1. Ride a skateboard.
He was a boy, she was a girl, and I think you all know the rest of this song (as well as the rest of Avril Lavigne’s entire debut album, but I’m not here to judge). If you are going to seduce your Early-2000s Girl (E2G), you’re gonna have to know your way around a half pipe. It’s just like, come on, if you’re not a real sk8er boi, how is she going to look in front of her friends when you’re all hanging out in front of the 7/11 and pretending to inhale your cigarettes? It’s just an essential for any healthy relationship. (Longboards are also acceptable, but there is a minimum weed-smoking requirement per month. I’ll send you the requisite paperwork.)
2. Be an alt-bro.
You got your JNCO jeans, you got your tickets to Ozzfest, you got your studded bracelets — you are ready to dip into that E2G honeypot. You just have a lot of issues, and a lot of rage (often directed towards the machine, but it varies). The girls love that, because it means you have the emotional spectrum to oscillate between a little Sum 41 levity and some Papa Roach Murder-Suicide Realness. As long as you’ve got that perfect mix of Alt and Bro, you will never be The Man, but you will always be pretty manly.
3. Get her tickets to DMB.
“Are you going to see Dave this summer?” “Is Dave coming to town?” “Are you gonna do a little pre-Dave tailgating?” “Who is going to see Dave? (We’re looking to get a group together.)”
If you are not planning to get your E2G her tickets to Dave this summer, you can basically kiss any picnic-blanket-on-the-field-pre-opening-act-canoodling goodbye. She is going to reserve it for someone who had the foresight to check out Ticketmaster in a timely manner and hook her up with a cooler full of underage beers. You had your chance.
4. Think Incubus is really deep.
You know all about Buddhism, man. You know about wearing hemp necklaces, and smoking weed, and hanging tapestries in your room that help to cover up various spills accrued when passing a single bottle of wine around your circle of friends. You just know about things, and E2G is only too happy to hear about them. Watch her eyes fill with romance and wonder as you recount the time you saw Brandon Boyd in the grocery store (you think) and it basically changed your life. Play “Aqueous Transmission” 47 times in a row and bring yourself nearly to tears while the incense burns. Also, grow some white man dreads.
5. Drive a Jeep Wrangler.
As I understand it, there were some pretty high-level discussions within the Jeep corporation around the year 2002, centered around changing the name officially from “Wrangler” to “Girl Who Listens To Soul Decision’s Pussy Incinerator,” but they couldn’t reach a consensus. It is the car of the dude who knows exactly where he’s going, and that he needs to arrive there with the top down. If you’re driving it to a beach party with a few surfboards sticking out the back, all the better.
6. Have highlights.
If you don’t have those frosted tips, then you won’t get her rock-hard nips.
7. Be John Mayer.
All of our bodies were wonderlands just waiting to be discovered, and there was no song too painfully romantic to not enjoy. If you were John Mayer, you truly had your pick of the litter. You could walk into any room and a limitless amount of panties would be thrown in your face in between cries of “‘DAUGHTERS’ CHANGED MY LIFE I LOVE YOU.” John Mayer could do no wrong, and between his on-point sense of humor, his incredible guitar skills, and oddly sexual singing voice, he was the E2G’s ideal man. This was before he basically devolved into a weird racist bridge troll who wouldn’t stop giving inappropriate quotes to the media, so you’ll have to look at him without all of that perspective. It was better then, just trust me.
8. Have crucial lyrics on your Buddy Profile.
There was no emotional problem too heavy for a couple of quotes from Oasis in blue text in between a link to your blog. As long as you kept the musical references somewhat highbrow and the sappiness to a pitch-perfect medium, you were golden. You just… you just… “I don’t believe that anybody / Feels the way I do about you now </3."