Tea People Vs Coffee People

Because there is no such thing as middle ground. You are either decidedly one or the other, and if you hang on the fence to avoid the revolution, you will be cast into the pits of rabid dogs along with those heathens, the Hot Cocoa People.

Where You Are Most Comfortable

Tea People: You are into all things knit and cozy. Your ideal setting is curled up next to a window during inclement weather, inside some sort of makeshift fortress made entirely out of blankets you purchased on Etsy. You are all about the journaling, the feelings, and the way a nice cup of Earl Grey adds a distinct tinge of refinement to even the most frat boy-esque activities. As long as you are somewhere which is highly Instagrammable, there is no limit to the amount of time you can spend in the fetal position.

Coffee People: There is but one word for you: Cafés. You’re just chomping at the bit to get yourself over to an unnamed city in Europe where you can sit for hours on end, watching people walk by in their terrible tourist clothes, leaving strategic coffee stains on the pages of A Moveable Feast. You will always have a soft spot for the tiny little spoons they serve with the espresso (it thinks it’s real cutlery!), and you don’t even notice the brown tooth stains anymore.

Your Dream Partner

Tea People: Let’s not mince words here: You want someone British. Culturally speaking, you’re not straying too far from your drink of choice, and would be happy for a little Benedict Cumberbatch spread over a crumpet around four in the afternoon. You’re all about the cardigans, the charmingly befuddled mannerisms, and the accents. Always the accents.

Coffee People: I’m picturing an Italian dude that chain smokes and refuses to call you back, yet always shows up at inopportune moments and makes passionate love to you in your cramped European apartment. I would say his name is Paolo, but it could very well be Gianni.

Your Social Life

Tea People: Few things are more overrated for you than having an active social life. You see all the people who are constantly going out to these parties and bars and Roman orgies and you’re like “Really? Haven’t they heard of Dr. Who?” You’re not really trying to get crazy and social, you’re more about curling up with your aforementioned blankets and hanging out with your myriad feelings. Also, if you do end up getting dragged to a house party, you are most likely going to be found in the corner, hanging out with the family pet and trying to talk to it.

Coffee People: You are a fully charged battery, prepared to handle the loud noises and activity of the daily grind. You’re completely comfortable in a boisterous coffee shop filled with the sound of coffee beans grinding/morning people chattering, and you’re even capable of engaging in socializing with a barista if the opportunity for small talk arises. When night falls, you are looking for the cool local chef who was this close to getting a spot on the Food Network and having a tasting in between shots of fair-trade espresso. You’ve got shit to do.

Your Professional Life

Tea People: When people ask you what you’re planning on doing with your life, you generally curl up into a small ball à la Roly Poly and cry softly to yourself. You have way too many books you plan on reading — and Tumblr posts you plan on reblogging — to consider things in terms of “career.” You are not really upwardly mobile, professionally speaking, but that’s okay. You’re just figuring things out. You’ll get to it. It will be fine.

Coffee People: You are all about stabbing your coworker in the back to get one sweet, sweet rung up that corporate ladder. You have not yet encountered a meeting you wouldn’t attend fifteen minutes early to set up coffee and donuts for everyone. As long as you’ve had your morning cup, you’re good to conquer the world. If you don’t get it, however, you’re most likely to tear a coworker’s esophagus out on the way to your cubicle for breathing too much in your general direction.

Your Future

Tea People: Basically becoming some extra from Harry Potter who reads tea leaves and tells every other person that they’re going to die within the week.

Coffee People: Switching to tea because, if you don’t, you’re going to have a heart attack by age 35. All of us succumb to the “tea people” lifestyle, it’s just a matter of time. TC mark


Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.


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