19 Ungodly Things The Pope Can Do Now


1. Reveal that he secretly has a deep love for all things contraception, and start producing all of the condom-based arts and crafts he’s been longing to do since childhood.

2. Tell everyone he was j/k about the whole Hitler Youth thing, he just thought it was “swaggy as hell” to have a badass come-up story.

3. Masturbate for 16 weeks straight, periodically stopping to demand that other clergy join him in what he proclaims to be “like fucking a big titty bitch, but with your hand instead.”

4. Line-up a selection of the choicest Mother Superiors in Italy à la Bunny Ranch and bring them back for an Eyes Wide Shut-esque masquerade orgy in the boom boom room of the Vatican.

5. Play Macklemore’s album for several days straight, commenting occasionally on his appreciation for a fellow “trill ass white boy.”

6. Take up adorable attempts at painting, much in the same vein as GW Bush or, say, Hitler.

7. Make handmade “Get Well” cards for all the people throughout the world who have suffered horribly at the hands of his anti-contraception rhetoric — complete with elbow macaroni and glitter.

8. Finally act on all that unfulfilled sexual tension he has with Bill Maher.

9. Get really into dubstep for a few months, only to soon dismiss more popular artists such as Skrillex or Datsik as being “shitty-ass brostep.”

10. Develop a debilitating cocaine habit that mostly stems from his inability to stay up for all four days of his beloved electro music festivals while sober.

11. Eat several mushroom caps while couchsurfing in Paris and later blog about the evening he spent “tripping his face off in front of that big-ass church with the bells.”

12. Have his people call the set of American Idol in an attempt to arrange a date with the “adorable loud girl with the weaves.”

13. Take up bare-knuckle boxing.

14. Embark on a two-week bender of eating nothing but pricy designer chocolate and catching up on Gilmore Girls.

15. Reveal that he was never bigoted against gay people “for real real,” but was merely jealous of the prospect of them being able to get married and enjoy a normal family life when “I still haven’t even been able to get a no-lube handy from Monica Belluci.”

16. Leave Italy to go chill with Gerard Depardieu in his underground tax shelter compound in Belgium.

17. Take up smoking cigarettes because it’s “soft grunge.”

18. Get a Tumblr that mostly includes pictures of a shirtless Ryan Gosling and Instagrams of pastries with inspirational sayings about travel written over them.

19. Get blackout drunk on church wine and wake up with several pictures of him on Facebook with various clergy member’s balls dipped onto his forehead. Promptly untag himself and send a strongly worded text message to a few cardinals about how “totally fucking uncool” that was. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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