1. A BLT on fresh-baked bread will never magically run off of your plate and go start flirting with your best friend while you aren’t looking.
2. You can look at all of the food porn you want without having to clear your browser or use an Incognito Window.
3. Your lover’s genitalia don’t come with your choice of zesty dipping sauce.
4. Giada de Laurentiis’ heaving bosoms lingering over a warm dish of pasta.
6. You can’t pour ranch dressing on your lover to make them less bland.
7. In order to reach pizza, one need only pick up the phone/go online to order it. And there is no doubt as to how long pizza will take to respond to you. You’re not going to be sitting by your phone for four hours waiting for pizza to remember you exist.
8. Paula Deen’s sandwich made out of a brick of lasagna pressed between two whole loaves of garlic bread.
9. We say we are “drunk/high on love,” but come on, you’re not “drunk” like you are off a giant, perfect frozen margarita.
10. You will never get to order your lover “well” or “medium rare,” they only come exactly as they want to, which is often not exactly to your specifications.
11. No lover will ever sit you down and patiently teach you about the chemical composition and history of the cashew the way Alton Brown will.
12. You can’t box up half of your date and take them home, keeping them in the refrigerator until you want more of them.
13. A box of chocolates has near-dozens of flavors and comes with a chart to distinguish them, as opposed to humans with whom you just have to guess at random.
14. Chocolate chip cookie dough-anything.
15. There are not state fairs of potential significant others which feature deep-fried versions of every possible kind of love.
16. There are not fat-free/calorie-free options, which I suppose in emotional terms would be sex without risk of STDs or falling in love (but it won’t feel as good).
18. Chocolate-dipped frozen cheesecake.
19. A bag of Funyuns will never judge you if you eat the whole thing in one sitting, unlike those pesky humans who are constantly trying to hold you up to their impossible standards of only eating just one chip.
20. When you’re celebrating a special event, no one writes “Congratulations!” on a penis and gives it to you at your party. We do this with cake because we know it is vastly superior to any other gift we could possibly receive.
21. A food baby will never ruin your dreams of a fulfilling career.
22. Your lover’s kisses do not, and will never, taste as good or as perfect on any occasion as Sriracha.
23. In an ever-changing world full of mystery and disappointment, Reese’s Puffs will always remain a loving, comforting constant. Cereals are forever. (Except Rice Krispie Treats Cereal, apparently, whose sudden disappearing from my life is a wound I am still treating to this day).