1. The couple fighting in a corner.
Lucky us! We all get to awkwardly move around this couple like a school of drunk fish avoiding a shark while they play out their melodramatic Romeo + Juliet film-student adaptation. This is the couple whose Whitney/Bobby love is just too passionate to leave behind, so they’re going to ruin everyone else’s night by holding their incredibly personal arguments out in full view of the innocent bystanders. I will admit that this can occasionally be hilarious entertainment for the evening, but even the most inappropriate fights have their limit in terms of how much humor can be squeezed out of them. I once attended a party featuring a couple that had broken up exactly five times so far that year, in which the girl, standing near the center of the room, screamed at the top of her lungs about how the guy cheated on her earlier that month, to which he replied “Just go, you don’t love me!” in full earshot of everyone who had toned down their own conversations to watch this trainwreck. She stormed out of the room, and he awkwardly asked for someone to pour him a whiskey shot. They got back together the next morning. Don’t be this couple.
2. The person who doesn’t know when it’s time to leave.
If you’re the guy who hangs out until the host is cleaning up the mess, still sitting on a couch nursing your beer, vaguely asking around for Hot Pockets, do not expect to be invited to the next party. It’s just the most uncomfortable thing in the world, because what are you supposed to say? “Hey, bro, just so you know, in the world of normal human interaction, the party is generally over when everyone leaves and the person who lives here is trying to go to bed. This is the part where you’re supposed to say, ‘I had a great time,’ and take off like a gentleman.” Somehow, in the inverted time-space continuum of house parties, that would make you the uncool one.
3. The person who throws up.
It’s one thing if you scuttle off to the bathroom like a debutante and do your vomiting in peace and tranquility — it’s quite another if you’re just going to walk out into the back yard and put on a full lawn-sprinkler display for everyone smoking their cigarettes. If you are over the age of 20 and vomit openly at a party, you can rest assured that everyone at that party and their mother is rightfully judging you for being tragically amateur and likely smelly.
4. The guy who insists on sitting by the computer and finding his shitty music online to play non-stop for everyone.
Spin those beats, DJ Asshole!
5. The friend that brings you and then ditches you.
Can it be made into some international treaty that if you bring your friend to a party where they know no one, you are not allowed to just wander off into the mist and join all the wonderful people you love so much until you’ve made at least one or two meaningful introductions? (And even then, you should be required to check in on them from time to time.) Otherwise, the straggler that no one knows is basically going to be forced to stand by the food table and awkwardly bob his/her head to the music as they try desperately to communicate with the house pets. It’s less a party for them, and more an endurance test for how long they can pretend to be totally having an awesome, New Year’s Rockin’ Eve-time eating chips in the corner by themselves.
6. The person who mooches off everyone.
If you’re the guy who doesn’t bring anything to drink but is happy to double-fist all night; if you are the girl who flits around the party taking sips out of people’s drinks like she’s on a mission to contract mono; if you are the person who “doesn’t smoke” but bums cigarettes from everyone until the sun comes up — a pox on your family.
7. The girls texting against the wall.
While I could be hasty in my judgment that these women are not doing research on their dissertation in sociology and are busy squirreling away the notes they’re gathering about this particular interaction, I think it’s safe to say they’re just making bitchy comments about people’s clothes/talking to their boyfriends. Having been this girl myself many times, I can assure you that texting/playing on Facebook whilst wearing your most “Don’t even breathe my air” face is the ultimate refuge from a party you are just not that into. It’s a good way to prevent drunk dudebros from hitting on you, from having to re-start conversations with people you have absolutely nothing interesting to say to, or be egged on to drink when you don’t want to. True, it kind of makes you look like a less-social Professor Umbridge in jeans, but at least you don’t have to pretend to like anyone.
8. The person hogging the bathroom.
I don’t care if you are pooping, crying, having a protracted conversation with your significant other that could wait til morning, or just two girls having a ~hilarious~ conversation while doing your respective makeup — if there is only one bathroom, you have two minutes, then get the f-ck out.
9. The person who brings 40 uninvited people.
I cannot even imagine what inspires people to do this, and yet so many do. It’s one thing to ask beforehand to bring a few extra friends, or even see if this is the kind of party that could be semi-greatly expanded. Things happen, people know people, it’s not outrageous to want to incude more people. But to just show up — or, God forbid, to show up early — with what is essentially a travelling hippie jam band of your acquaintances that no one’s ever met is just unacceptable. And they’re almost always the ones to be too loud, to disrespect everyone else, to steal things, or to make a mess of everything. What do they care? They don’t know anyone! They’re just here for the free drinks and to maybe punch through some drywall! If only we could create a small cage to put these people in for the duration of the evening.
10. The guy who is just a little too “epic.”
HEY BRO LET’S PLAY BEER PONG! HEY BRO DON’T BE SUCH A FAG! HEY BRO I BET YOU CAN’T BONG THAT BOTTLE OF MERLOT! HEY BRO DO YOU HAVE ANY COKE! HEY BRO WHERE ARE THE CHICKS THIS PLACE IS A TOTAL SAUSAGE FEST? HEY BRO IS IT COOL IF I BANG YOUR SISTER? HEY BRO DON’T PUSSY OUT IT’S ONLY 6 AM WHY ARE YOU GOING TO BED?