10 Junk Foods That Have No Business Existing

Look, we all love junk food. Between that and sex, you’ve got pretty much 90 percent of the reason for sustained human life. What are we working all these boring jobs for, if not to go home to a big plate of take-out pad thai? But there are some things that, beyond just being delicious ends to a particularly stressful day, seem purely out to destroy us. Whether too good, too bad, or just ridiculous, these treats need to just quit it, because they’re kind of being assholes.

1. Cinnabon

Does Cinnabon as a concept serve any purpose other than making you question every decision you’ve ever made the second you sit down to eat one? It’s like you’re sticking a plastic fork and knife directly into a hot, gooey pile of self-loathing and hypertension. There are no upsides to a Cinnabon — even as a cinnamon roll, I think we’ve all had better. They’re less a pastry and more a lardy, solidified blob of sugar, coated in a generous helping of still more molten sugar. There are certainly danishes more worthy of our time, and yet we still give our souls over to these abominations. We have to stop.

2. Deep-Fried Twinkie.

I get the principle of a Twinkie. I understand that, as far as pre-packaged dessert-cake snacks go, they are amongst the least egregious offenders (even nutritionally speaking — seriously, go look it up). But they already exist as a ball of goldeny dough with a creamy center. Is the goal now to add another goldeny dough layer so as to render the once-distinct Twinkie components into one vegetable-shortening infused bomb of yellow cake? Amongst all the foods we could deep-fry, did this not most take us over the threshold and eventually lead to our indifference towards things like deep-fried soda, and deep-fried butter? There is no reason for a deep-fried Twinkie. We need to stop pretending that there is.

3. Dunkin Donuts

I’m just going to put this out there — Dunkin Donuts is bogus. Their donuts are all cakey and never hot, their coffee drinks are sub-par (though I will admit their roast isn’t as offensive as, say, McDonalds’), and they almost invariably mess up your order in some way. Can’t we collectively make it to a Krispy Kreme, an actual bakery, or — even better — a Fractured Prune, and have a legitimate donut experience? I am tired of the twice-baked socks that DD is passing off as breakfast pastry. We can do better as a society.

4. Pumpkin Spice Anything

As fall approaches, my dreams are once again haunted by the imp-like spectre of Pumpkin Spice syrup, sending my every food and drink on an irresistible, sugar-filled Waltz of the Taste Buds. This delectable sauce — on everything from lattés to beer to muffins — says “unbridled fall weight gain” more than a baggy sweater and a Breaking Bad marathon. Pumpkin Spice was brought here to bring us down, and we can’t let it beat us. This fall, we’ll try to at least cut our intake down by 14 percent. Just 14.

5. Taco Bell

Does any single establishment incite such simultaneous disgust and desire as Taco Bell? It’s as though this spicy fast-food establishment was the asshole who is clearly so bad for us but whom, for the life of us, we can’t stop sleeping with. Everything from the Cheesy Gordita Crunches to the sweet, sweet, cinnamon pork rinds or whatever those monstrosities are reach the darkest, most beautiful parts of our (often drunk) soul. Taco Bell touches something that no other fast food place can, and yet leaves us feeling like enormous, gassy failures at the end of every shame-filled meal. And considering 90 percent of their menu is simply the same five ingredients stacked in different orders, we can’t even blame our repeat offenses on curiosity. We know what we’re doing, we just can’t stop.

6. Sno-Balls

Just, what even are these things? Who is like, “I want a delicious dessert today — I’ve worked hard, time to really treat myself. I think I’m going to get a florescent-pink ball of coconut-rolled marshmallow sponge filled with dry cake and partially hydrogenated frosting!” Who?? No one, ever. Cut this shit out, Hostess.

7. Funyuns

Weren’t onion rings hard enough in actual onion form? I mean, when you either had to purchase a relatively expensive (in the junk food world) snack, or make your own from scratch, God forbid. Either way, onion rings were going to be an investment — and so worth it. Onions are everything that’s good about junk food: salty, fried, bringer of terrible breath, and usually accompanied with a zesty dipping sauce. But now, with Funyuns, one can have a passable facsimile of the onion ring experience with only 99 cents and a convenience store. Now we have to live with the constant possibility of oniony goodness over our heads at all times, and are simply not equipped to make these kinds of decisions. Funyuns — and Hot Fries, while we’re at it — can go f-ck themselves.

8. Slim Jims

No human should ever eat a Slim Jim, not even for survival in some kind of stranded-island situation. Death is more honorable than eating a Slim Jim.

9. Mountain Dew

I can almost see the point of Mountain Dew — it is the crack to Red Bull’s cocaine, I suppose — but God, it just seems so cruel. Putting kids on this horrifying witch’s brew of caffeine, sugar, and krazy-ass colors at the age of, what, six? Eight? How old are kids picking up the ‘Dew these days? I don’t want to go into detail about my ordeal with the stuff, but let’s just say that putting down Code Red for good was a process that I would not wish upon my worst enemy. It’s just so sugary, so efficient, and so incredibly unnatural-looking, it’s the nectar of the computer-geek Gods. It’s there to sustain us, to love us, and to ultimately make us hate ourselves.

10. Cake Pops

I don’t know if you’re aware, but there is this website called Pinterest, and its basic purpose in the Grand Internet Scheme of Things is to show us pictures of cupcakes shaped like things that are not cupcakes and promptly put on a stick. Do you want to eat a cake version of Pokémon? How about Hello Kitty? Avengers? Channing Tatum’s pecs? Of course you do, because as we all know since all of those absurd cake-decorating shows first came to our attention on the Food Network, a cake is only as good as the crazy-ass fondant sculpture that covers it. But seriously, wasn’t cake enough of a problem in our collective lives before we could get it in the perfect shape, color, and product placement to suit our mood/event? I don’t need my cake to look like Miley Cyrus and be on a popsicle stick. Save that shit for popsicles, so the shapes can get all hilarious and wonky when they melt. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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  • Guest

    You upset me with over half of these. I like to combine most of them….a MTN DEW with some Taco Bell…and I definitely had a code red for breakfast. But Pumpkin Spice seriously? Pumpkin Spice is more a nostalgia thing than anything! Makes you know fall is here! IT TASTES LIKE FALL!

  • Anonymous

    Slim Jims are the best things in the world.

  • jq

    SPOT ON! except dunkin…

  • http://Rumblestripq.blogspot.com Doug Hart

    They’re less a pastry and more a lardy, solidified blob of sugar, coated in a generous helping of still more molten sugar.

    Yeah baybee!

  • Hailie

    #11 Nutella. Most pointless, overrated junk ever.

    • michaelwg

      blasphemy. Nutella is the answer to “Why’re we here?”

      • Hailie

        Ugh. Maybe in America.

      • http://twitter.com/millon228 Denise Millon (@millon228)

        Nutella is amazing. It’s also made with simple, quality ingredients, which flies in the face of everything on this list.

      • Hailie

        Its primary ingredient is sugar. Which is, y’know, a poison to the human body. It’s no better than any of the stuff on this list.

      • Doug Hart

        I thought the answer to that was 42.

  • Fort Worth

    First article of yours I’ve disagreed with! Maybe I’m just a fatty at heart.

  • Coco

    You’re associating junk food with guilt, and that’s not OK. Moderation, people.

  • http://midlasnight.wordpress.com IsabelB

    Lame. This is just a rant about food you hate. And you really did it with insulting McDonald’s coffee. Probably the best mass-produced coffee out there.

    • http://twitter.com/millon228 Denise Millon (@millon228)

      Gross. GROSS! McDonald’s coffee is terrible, as are 9 of the 10 things on this list (to insult cake pops is blasphemy).

  • http://crapodelic.blogspot.com Naomi

    Cinnabons are awesome.

  • USA

    but cake pops

  • Anlon

    Anyone else craving a doughnut right now?

  • Dave

    WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE TO SHIT ON EVERYTHING I LOVE.

    • Guest

      This.

  • Rachel Ramirez

    Also those breakfast sausages wrapped in chocolate chip pancakes.

    • http://gravatar.com/linkhoarder linkhoarder

      lol wut. that sounds so foul

  • Molly

    MORE MORE MORE!

  • .thedoj

    Ok. Stop feeling guilty cuz you eat it and know it is bad for you. Read its contents, not just its listings and rebute it by saying ‘it is good’.

  • thedog

    Ok. Stop feeling guilty cuz you eat it and know it is bad for you. Read its contents, not just its listings and rebute it by saying ‘it is good’. These shit is very subjective in the first place! Take a chill pill!!

  • J.L.

    I’m guessing you’re a Starbucks fan? I don’t like Dunkin’ Donuts either, but at least their iced coffees have more coffee than ice. You get something iced from Starbucks and it’s gone in three swallows. Though I’m also on the “Starbucks coffee tastes burnt” train…

  • Boston Dunkies Lover

    WTF Dunkin Donuts? I stopped reading after #3. I couldn’t live without Dunkin Donuts. Medium ice and a turkey sausage egg white flatbread once a day everyday or else.

  • http://twitter.com/millon228 Denise Millon (@millon228)

    You really did it with insulting cake pops! What did cake pops ever do to you? But seriously, they are amazing! The candy shell locks in moisture and makes the cake about 1000x more amazing than anything else ever could. Plus they are one of the only junk foods in America sold in a respectable serving size!

  • Na

    SCREW YOU. DUNKIN IS THE GREATEST.

  • Tammy

    taco bell beans are the best thing in the world!

  • Alexandra

    FRACTURED PRUUUUUUUUUUNE, yus. nothing in the entire world compares.

  • Chan

    you are amazing and hilarious.
    why are people actually offended? haha

    • Alex

      I dont think they’re genuinely offended, they know she only writes this stuff to get a reaction/hits.

  • alansmithee88

    It was bad enough that you trashed Dunkin Donuts, but to put Krispy Kreme up as some paragon of donutty goodness is just ridiculous. There’s a reason there aren’t many KK locations in the Northeast – KK’s lone flavor is “sugar and shame”, apparently.

  • Allie

    This is the saddest thought catalog article I have ever read.

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