With the season 5 premiere of Breaking Bad just around the corner, it’s time to examine one of the most underrated, yet undeniable slices of Husband Material that television has to offer: one Jesse “I’m a criminal, yo” Pinkman. With his beautiful blue eyes, nervous smile, and conflicted moments of humanity constantly peering through his forced tough guy-image, he is the definition of the bad boy with a soft heart we all secretly want to run away with and live off of a suitcase full of meth money. From his difficult relationship with his family, to the loss of his Daria-esque girlfriend Jane, there are many boo-boos on this lovely boy that we may have to kiss and make all better, and it certainly won’t be easy. I can only hope we’re up to the task.
Name: Jesse Pinkman, Cap’n Cook, Blowfish, Diesel, Jesse Jackson
Age: Doesn’t matter, bitch, but let’s just say mid-to-late 20s.
Occupation: Apprentice meth cook, partner in crime, friend to the fallen Combo, former DeVry University student, conflicted pretty boy.
Description: From his upper-middle-class roots to his JNCO jean-esque wardrobe, Pinkman is everything that could go wrong with fragile suburban sons, if left to mingle with the wrong crowd. And though his self-worth is often called into question by the horrible chain of events his life choices seem to cause, he always retains just enough awareness and empathy to remain someone you root for. Sure, he killed Gale, but he was crying while he did it! And yes, he openly smoked meth around his recovering girlfriend, ostensibly leading her down the slippery slope to relapse, and, ultimately, death — but he feels so badly about it! He just scoots around with his enormous, beautiful eyes and his sense of self-loathing, making us all hate/adore him, and wanting him to fulfill his lost potential as an artist. Go re-watch the scene in the gas station with the cashier girl (and his flawless eyelashes) and tell me you wouldn’t buy anything that guy was selling to you.
Benefits to Marriage: Umm, endless meth. Also, he’ll try (fumblingly, but adorably) to make you breakfast in bed. A meth omelette.
Drawbacks: I would think that the drawbacks to being married to someone in his line of work would be obvious, but I recommend you also take a look at the Meth: Not Even Once campaign to get a picture of what could happen to those cheekbones of his, should he continue to use.
You Must Be: Street-smart, prepared, not too attached to your town (in case you have to go hide out in southeast Asia for a while on a moment’s notice), willing to cuddle. All Jesse Pinkman really needs is a good cuddle.
The Dowry Jesse Brings: 100 acres of freshly-tilled farmland, a herd of New Mexico’s finest alpaca, enough of the blue stuff to smoke until your kneecaps fall off.