45 Reasons America Is The Greatest Country In The History Of Planet Earth

1. Jeff Goldblum in Independence Day.

2. Popeye’s fried chicken with all the sides.

3. The fact that Courtney Stodden and Dakota Fanning are the same age.

4. The Founding Fathers, who were essentially the 18th century equivalent of a bunch of Jeff Goldblums.

5. Titties.

6. Barbecue pork ribs.

7. The Wire, Mad Men, Game of Thrones, Breaking Bad, Arrested Development, and all the other television programming that reminds us how superior our entertainment is.

8. The Amish, and their delicious, horse-drawn food. (If any of you have ever lived near an Amish Market, you know the bearded joy of their pretzel twists.)

9. Hot Dogs — and not the bullsh-t merguez and wiener schnitzel and other actual sausages with discernible origins — I mean good old fashioned American hot dogs made out of raccoons, spare tires, and freedom.

10. Deli sandwiches stacked so high as to resemble Bibles made of meat.

11. ESPN having at least 18 channels to choose from at any given time.

12. The fact that we gave Ryan Gosling his big break.

13. Basically every other country’s diplomats just pretend to be interested in trading with us so they can hang out with our unbelievably chill president.

14. Jack Bauer.

15. Bruce Springsteen.

16. Gourmet food trucks that utilize cutting-edge phone technology to let you know when they’re in your neighborhood.

17. We invented Facebook, Apple, Twitter, and technically Myspace (although we’re currently in the process of expunging that from public records).

18. Johnny Depp dumped Vanessa Paradis. You can’t have him, France, you’re not good enough for him.

19. Toaster Strudels.

20. Bald Eagles, also known as the most majestic animal since the dinosaur.

21. We created Kim Kardashian, and thus are the only ones capable of destroying her.

22. We beat the Soviets at hockey in ’80, and they’re still butthurt about it.

23. We’re too good to care about soccer.

24. The Kennedys.

25. Michael Phelps.

26. When you pull apart the two halves of your grilled cheese, and it’s all melty and perfect, Kraft-style, and you’re just like aww yissss.

27. Wu-Tang Clan.

28. You can essentially come out of nowhere and end up being Bill Gates or Lady Gaga, depending on your skill set.

29. Sesame Street. Elmo, man, Elmo.

30. Chili cook-offs, which we should all be so lucky as to judge one day.

31. Paula Deen and Butter, America’s OTP.

32. Calvin Klein ads that know what the people want and just give us gorgeous, ripped men in tighty whities.

33. Giada de Laurentiis’ cleavage hovering daintily over her myriad pasta dishes.

34. Scott Disick’s wardrobe.

35. James Deen.

36. New York of Flavor of Love fame, also known as history’s most prominent HBIC.

37. Unlimited Bloody Mary bars at brunch.

38. Channing Tatum actually being a stripper, and then us giving him an entire film in which to show us about his life when he was a stripper, in case we missed it the first time.

39. The Dark Knight trilogy.

40. Reluctantly enjoying Lana Del Rey’s music and then feeling mildly dirty afterwards.

41. Kool Aid with tons of sugar in it, not the stuff that some of your “healthier” friends’ parents made that tasted like water with batteries in it.

42. Watermelon, and spitting the seeds into the lawn.

43. The perfect burger with three strips of bacon, crisp lettuce, ripe tomato, and all of your favorite condiments, directly from the grill.

44. Pink lemonade.

45. Wearing cutoff jean shorts, holding sparklers, and celebrating with your friends today like some kind of busted Ralph Lauren ad. TC mark

 

image – Shutterstock

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Marc

    Loved it! But her name is Giada de Laurentiis.

  • andrew

    PINK LEMONADE AW YEAH

  • http://twitter.com/johntaylortweet John Taylor (@johntaylortweet)

    A M U R I C A

  • http://www.twitter.com/bossjones bossjones

    # 14!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • ks

    fuck yeah

  • CJB

    Is that why you live in France, then, Chelsea? Also, is James Deen the nephew of Paula Deen?

    • K-Borg

      Aw nuts. You got to make the Paula Deen/James Dean joke before I did! Well done, good sir/madame.

    • G

      I’m not sure if you’re being sarcastic or if you just don’t know, but James Deen is a young, non-threatening, acclaimed porn star. It’s only his screen name.

  • http://gravatar.com/danielavelosom Dani

    I don’t know if the title of this is suppossed to be ironic…i liked it though, and it made me laugh. i’m not “american”, but really, i am. I am LatinAmerican, Chilean, to be exact, but i had a very “americanized” upbringing, my school being a international school with lot’s of people from different countries, all my lessons were conducted in english (except for high school, but even then we had 6 hours of english a week) My dad was suscribed to some american magazines and i loved – stil do – reading in english…

    As i said, i am also american, but of the latin kind. Let’s not even go there, that debate has been going on for too long, i mean why do you call yourselves “american”, don’t you have a name for your nationality other than that? Like canadian, mexican (who, by the way, are american too) Anyway…i found this to be pretty funny and i get most, if not all, references…but i just wanted to say that the title bothers me a little. It sounds so self absorbed and that is the reason that many people don’t like you. I get it, you have done lots of amazing things in terms in entertainment, technology, music, cinema, arts in general, food…and i like many of these things…but…i don’t know….that’s what i meant when i said if i don’t really get if the title is supossed to be ironic or not…this site being thought catalog and having a lot of ironic and/or sarcastic writers.

    Well that’s all i guess. Please don’t take this the wrong way.

    • Lia

      Of course it’s not ironic, America IS *the greatest country in the history of planet earth!*

      Also how can you spend your first paragraph using “American” to refer to things from the U.S. (except for “English,” perhaps you are not aware but our language comes from England), and then spend your second COMPLAINING about calling things/people from the U.S. American?

      Also, we get to be called “Americans” because we rule and are better than everyone else, obviously, since we come from the greatest country in the history of planet earth. Oh wait, no, it’s actually because we are the “United States of America” (in reference to the explorer who discovered and claimed us), and therefore the country we all come from is America. America also happens to be two continents hanging out next to each other compromising many countries, one of which is America and one of which is Chile. This is why you are “Chilean” and we are “American.” I guess we could be “United Statesians” but then people from other countries that are also made up of united states would probably be upset, and since “American” is a lot less dumb sounding than “United Statesian,” the greatest country in the history of planet earth went with the lesser of two evils.

      • danielavelosom

        I use “american”, note, between the ” “s for lack, unfortunately, of a better word, and so you can understand. In spanish, i wouldn’t call all those things “american”, i would call them estadounidenses, as someone commented below. Also note that the explorer who discovered you, also discovered Latin America. Actually, he didn’t claim North America or South America, as he first came ashore the Bahamas, then travelling to what we know now as Cuba, then called Juana.

        Maybe you should call yourselves Statesians, it kind of has a nice ring to it. Everybody else would get it, as you are, the greatest country in the history of the planet earth, so everyone would know what you’re talking about.

        I still wonder why canadians and mexicans call themselves that, they are in america too, as far as i remember…

    • exploredreamdiscover

      okay everybody. This rando says it’s time to call ourselves “Statesians” because it has “a nice ring to it.” We’ll get right on that bro.

      • http://howlingvenus.wordpress.com howlingvenus

        We’ll start calling ourselves Statesians when we’re tired of being AMURRICANS. So that should be sometime never.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brandi.alexis1 Brandi Alexis

    * James Dean, but I loved this!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/brandi.alexis1 Brandi Alexis

      oh shit never mind I’m daft

    • derp

      *James Deen, as in the pornstar

  • http://twitter.com/christinalefou Christina (@christinalefou)

    I like the hot dogs comment about raccoons, spare tires, and freedom. Hahahaha. Brilliant. Also, agree on the Bruce Springsteen.

  • http://bloggingnola.wordpress.com/2012/07/04/45-reasons-america-is-the-greatest-country-in-the-history-of-planet-earth/ 45 Reasons America Is The Greatest Country In The History Of Planet Earth | Blogging NOLA

    […] 45 Reasons America Is The Greatest Country In The History Of Planet Earth: […]

  • Ale

    AMERICA IS A CONTINENT, NOT A COUNTRY

    • Asdf

      Actually, it’s not. North America and South America are two distinct continents, there is no such continent as “America.”

      Furthermore, citizens of the United States have been known both formally and colloquially as “Americans” for hundreds of years. Deal with it.

      • Hry

        The division of North America and South America is a phenomenon as recent as the 1950s, and it was a division created by geographers from the USA. Latin Americans still don’t really believe in the Panama/Colombia border as dividing the two continents, as the mainland countries of America (or the Americas if you like) share a great deal of cultural and social heritage, excepting the two northernmost countries (the Anglo-America/Latin America divide). Continents are at least partially arbitrary divisions. Remind me exactly where the line between Europe and Asia lies again?

        The word “America” derives from the explorer Amerigo Vespucci, the famous early-16th century explorer, whose name the German cartographer Martin Waldseemuller first used for the landmass of South America. You’ll never catch the Latin Americans confusing to “los Estados Unidos” with “América”; indeed, the demographic adjective is not “americano” but rather “estadounidense”. The term predated the USA, and I’d put very good money on it eventually postdating the country as well.

      • Anchorman

        I believe it is maintained that America means “A whales vagina”

  • Adrian

    In regards to 43, you should allow meat to rest in an aluminium tent for 10 minutes before eating it. This will allow you to cook the meat properly without losing too many juices.

  • jess

    this is the new we didn’t start the fire. can someone say it and then autotune it, and then have david guetta (or let’s think of an american) make it all electronic? and then email it to me so i can see if it meets my standards.

  • http://www.facebook.com/carolyneconcrete Carolyne Concrete

    # 12 lies – Ryan Gosling was popular during his Breaker High days. which was a Canadian show

  • Paul

    The Dark Knight Trilogy? You mean that trilogy written and directed by Christopher Nolan (born in London) and starring Christian Bale (born in Wales)?

  • Sascha

    Usually love all of Chelsea’s articles but, being from the Netherlands myself (despite my expat/American-like upbringing), find this title to be bigoted and naive. As 90% of the pop culture in the States comes from television, I’ll refer to Aaron Sorkin’s (amazing) new show, The Newsroom.
    Within the first 5 minutes you can see the reaction of a room full of “USA” chanting college kids, jaws dropped and shocked with their iPhones out, recording the “maniac who had something bad to say about America.” For those who haven’t watched it, I highly recommend it.
    Here’s what Jeff Daniels’ character had to say about the US:

    “And with a straight face, you’re gonna sit there and tell students that America is so star-spangled awesome that we’re the only ones in the world who have freedom? Canada has freedom. Japan has freedom. The U.K. France. Italy. Germany. Spain. Australia. BELGIUM has freedom. Two hundred and seven sovereign states in the world, like, a hundred and eighty of them have freedom.

    And you, Sorority Girl, just in case you accidentally wander into a voting booth one day, there’s some things you should know. One of them is there’s absolutely no evidence to support the statement that we’re the greatest country in the world. We’re seventh in literacy. Twenty-seventh in math. Twenty-second in science. Forty-ninth in life expectancy. A hundred and seventy-eighth in infant mortality. Third in median household income. Number four in labor force and number four in exports. We lead the world in only three categories: Number of incarcerated citizens per capita, number of adults who believe angels are real, and defense spending, where we spend more than the next twenty-six countries combined, twenty-five of whom are allies.”

    Sure, don’t get me wrong I love the States and always enjoy myself when traveling, and to be honest most of my friends are American or somehow connected, but I simply cannot STAND the overly exaggerated patriotism for every. little. fucking. thing. From laundry detergent commercials to… the Kardashians. Are they really at ALL something to be proud of?
    I think not.

    • yay:)

      AHHHHHHMAZING.

    • Domino

      i think i love you.

    • Danielle

      What you said. Thank you!

    • gabymatz08

      Thank you, you just expressed everything that people that are not, um, let’s say ‘citizens from the United States’ (after all, you could call an Argentinian, a Mexican, or a Canadian ‘American’ and it would be correct) say.

    • danielavelosom

      Thank you, I think that quotes says it all, and i agree with what you said after said quote. I understand everyone, or mostly everyone, loves their home country, i feel patriotic too when we celebrate our national independence day (i do give props to USA though, you were the first to achieve independency from your mother land and this wave of adequate patriotism and want of freedom soon propagated to other countries in the continent) and when it comes to defending my country and our way of living, but i like to distance myself and detach from my emotional ties too, and see the ugly aspects from my country and society. I think citizens of the USA have a hard time doing that. All these claimings of “America is the best woo hoo” not matter what the facts say (see above post) comes off as a holier than thou attitude that rubs me in the wrong way.

    • Nicola Themistes

      THANK YOU.

    • Holly

      This. This. This. But enjoy your empire before it falls, USA :)

    • K

      Guess what America IS number one for? PATRIOTISM. Proven fact. Google it. And that’s what makes us the greatest country on planet earth.

      And what was she going to make the title “45 Reasons Why America is Just One of The Greatest Countries But There are Some Flaws Still So I’m Not Going To Get Too Patriotic Just A Little Patriotic I Hope You Don’t Mind, Oh And BTW Some TOf These Things Are Exaggerated”?

      Fuck off.. if you don’t agree with the article THEN DON’T READ IT. Go troll elsewhere.

      • georgie

        under hitler, germany was also probably number one for patriotism (which quickly turned to nationalism for many when things began to get nasty after hitler was voted in) did that make them the greatest country in the world then? i think not.

        there’s nothing wrong with patriotism – i happen to love my country of good old england, despite the weather. but i don’t go around brashly screaming that it’s the greatest country in the world, as seems to be the case with most american ‘patriotism’. it’s not patriotism. it’s nationalism. patriotism is a love of a place and of the people in a place. nationalism is the opposite belief; that your place is better than everyone else’s and that people who don’t feel this way about it are somehow victimising you.

        read this. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-18645370
        written by an american who has taken the time to actually think about his patriotism.

    • Lucas

      Pretty much this. Calling this article a “thought” might be pushing it.

    • An American (United Statesian?) weighs in

      You may “find this title to be bigoted and naive”, but that’s also because it’s a JOKE that perhaps you don’t quite get. All of the things on the list are awesome, but the title is hyperbolic. It’s meant to poke fun of the caricature of the ignorant “Amurrica, beer and bald eagles and shit” asshole that we Americans (or United Statesians, if I am to placate a few other enraged posters) who do not reside in the bible belt have encountered with reactions varying from bemusement to annoyance. This joke of mocking overzealous patriots has actually become commonplace in American culture within the last year and is old news. We know that we’re not the best. WE KNOW. Why is it that people from around the globe characterize American’s only as the lowlife individuals in our society that even we dislike/mock?

    • Christina

      but we’re number one in self esteem!!!!!!!!

  • sarah

    soccer’s the best

  • http://hotfemmeinthecity.wordpress.com natasiarose

    Fuck yeah,America!

  • http://karaqueen.wordpress.com Kara Queen Art

    Of all the things I could nit pick about.. the guy who directed the Dark Knight trilogy is FROM London…

  • Charli

    Kraft style cheese, or Kraft anything, is most definitely not something to be proud of.

  • obtuse

    fierce.

  • Lace

    Spitting out watermelon seeds? I’m not sure on this but I’d put money that America also invented the seedless watermelon.

  • Yes!

    #46 the word “busted”

  • http://mangopeels.wordpress.com mathewpaulk

    AMERICA SUCKS
    BLOODY BASTARDS !!

  • http://blog.burnetteweb.com Joel

    Love the list, however I have one possible amendment. The beginning of the list should obviously be “Chuck Norris”. You don’t need to replace number 1because Chuck Norris comes before number 1.

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