11 Most Irritating David Guetta Songs

We are long-overdue for a proper ode to the man who somehow forgot that stringy-haired middle-aged Frenchmen are supposed to move to Provence and get an inappropriately young girlfriend, not produce the same song 50 times in two years. And as I was once dragged to a concert of his against my will (more aptly described as him pressing “play” on a Macbook and bobbing his head up and down), I feel qualified to do it. Here, a brief retrospective of some of his more choice morsels.

1. That one with Akon.

You know, that one that goes boom-boom-boom and Akon is yelling about how you can’t compare this “bitch” to your “neighborhood whore,” as though that is an acceptable thing for a human being to say.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SLy2W5eC7M%5D

2. That one where he somehow convinced Sia to sing for him.

As though her being on a Flo Rida song wasn’t dignity-eroding enough. I know she’s got to pay the bills at the end of the month, but damn. She is just giving that perfect, soaring voice out like Chuck E Cheese tickets at this point.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg%5D

3. That one where it’s like NOW THAT THE LOVE IS GOOOOONE.

Pretty sure this was the first tune that introduced us to his now-signature “boom-boom-boomity boom boom” style, to be manifested in every other song he ever produces, until the end of time, or until we have fully been cleansed for our sins as a people.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SHTT__uvD2E%5D

4. That one with Nicki Minaj.

In which Guetta reveals to the world that just when we thought Nicki’s voice couldn’t get more nasal and grating, we had barely scratched the surface of those possibilities.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YVw7eJ0vGfM%5D

5. That one where Fergie took a break from making terrible Black Eyed Peas songs to make this monstrosity.

Also known as “literally the exact same song as ‘Love Is Gone,’ only slightly more irritating.”

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hWjrMTWXH28%5D

6. That one where Usher says “withouchu” about 130233409283 times.

Because we all know that everyone needs a srs bsns love ballad now and again, even stringy-haired old Frenchmen, and this is as close as Mr. Guetta is prepared to get.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUe8uoKdHao%5D

7. That one with Taio Cruz.

Because apparently that guy made more than just that “Dynamite” song.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ha5ujHnYXg%5D

8. That one where David pretends to be some guy named Martin Solveig.

According to Science, these two men are literally the same person, and they should stop trying to trick us into thinking that they are different in any way. There is only room for one scrawny, stringy-haired, middle-aged French DJ with the “boom boom” sound, and it’s Guetta.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kK42LZqO0wA%5D

9. That one with Rihanna.

Taking a break from her busy schedule of talking about how much she loves rough coitus and dying her hair, Rihanna drops by to make a perfectly par-for-the-course Guetta number.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAc4zHEDd7o%5D

10. That one where Kid Cudi does his talk-singy thing.

Kid Cudi is great at many things, the most notable of which is where he sings in such a low, gravely tone that you kind of nod off while he is going on about smoking weed, having sex with women he doesn’t know super well, and attending house parties. When partnered with Guetta’s adorably repetitive beats, it’s essentially like taking a couple shots of NyQuil and watching Bob Ross videos.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UALKHmVc2g%5D

11. Literally every other song David Guetta has ever made.

All of them. Yes, even that one. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TIh95NptPr4&w=600&h=375%5D


image – Eva Rinaldi

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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