Thought Catalog

What Your Drink Says About You

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Going out is nothing if not a series of statements you inadvertently make about yourself through your actions. Are you gonna be the girl screaming “Wooooooh” at every other song, or the guy standing by the wall with his bros, putting off talking to a girl until the night is over? Are you here to dance, or mourn your ex? Here, what your drink order communicates to those around you.

Microbrew

Getting drunk as quickly as possible is not (at least not yet) your priority — you’ve got savoring to do. You might actually love the taste of a good beer, but come on, you also like how drinking it makes you look to other people. Admit it, you kind of get off on being “microbrew person” who knows their sh-t when it comes to hops and malt, and goes to tastings and whatnot in their spare time. If put under some kind of torture, you might admit to having said the phrase “beer is the new wine” at least once in your life. This isn’t about getting drunk, it’s about looking good.

Whiskey Neat

You either think this looks really cool, which immediately means it isn’t, or you actually enjoy drinking these, which makes you so, so cool. It’s kind of the catch-22 of drink orders — you can never actually embrace the chill you possess with this choice, as it will completely evaporate if you do.

Margaritas

This is the drink that signifies that summer is officially here, and it’s time to enjoy it by drinking your alcohol in pitcher form. As it has the consistency and general flavor profile of a Slurpee, you are automatically able to justify the indulgence, as it’s almost more of a dessert than a real drink! Throw in some tortilla chips, and it’s basically a healthy meal! It’s summertime, and you’re not here to be judged.

Bloody Mary

You’re drinking at 10 AM and it is everything you imagined it could be.

Big-Name Domestic Beer

You’re here to Git-R-Done, and you are drinking this for one of three reasons: a) It’s on special and you can get a literal wheelbarrow’s worth of beer for 2 dollars, b) You’re drinking it “ironically,” in which case someone should just take you out back and put you out of your misery right now, b) You’re a real-life bro who just enjoys a good Miller Lite every now and again, even though it’s an objectively horrible beer. In any case, the night has officially begun.

Old Fashioned

Someone clearly needs to put down the Mad Men for five minutes. Don’t be that guy.

Candy-Colored Martini

Okay, I hate to play the gender game here, but let’s be real — you’re probably a girl, and you probably have a flutter of “OMG, SATC” in your head as you clink these bad boys with your girlfriends. You’re clearly in for the long haul tonight, because as we know, those drinks offer the absolute worst ratio in terms of money spent and hangover accrued. They cost, what, at least 10 bucks a pop, and are just corn syrup and grain alcohol — they’re essentially what you’d drink out of a giant cooler at a frat party, only put in a fancy glass with a piece of fruit a toothpick. You know where the night is headed after these.

White Wine

Umm, you’re a WASPy 45-year-old blonde woman wearing pearls, or you’re aspiring to be one someday.

Champagne

No matter in what form you’re drinking your bubbles — bought in a magnum for your table at the club, or sipped while glaring at others as you languish by the bar — admit it, you’re kind of bougie. Tonight is your night to just judge the f-ck out of everyone who walks by you, flirt with the 90th percentile of hot people on the premises, and only dance to the best songs that come on. It is the night to pretend you’re at least 30 percent better than you actually are.

Vodka Shots

Often pronounced “vokka shots,” this is undeniably the entry into the part of the night where things are getting just a little bit too awesome, and you might have to start screaming at the DJ to play a certain song. These shots mean that you’re ready to take things next-level, and you’re not embarrassed to be the first person in the bar to initiate things — the first person to propose vokka shots is clearly the one who is grabbing this evening out by the balls.

Red Wine

“I read books. Big ones, with no pictures.”

Vodka Red Bulls

Well, I mean, if these are your drink of choice, you’re just an enormous bro. You have probably watched Jersey Shore unironically and like getting your picture taken by party photographers. But even if you don’t usually go for a VRB, a simple order of one immediately conveys that you’re fresh out of coke but are still determined to dance all night long, until you’re just a moving body mass of sweat and embarrassment. By the way, if anyone actually does have any coke, you could totally go for some — but if not, it’s no big deal. Just asking.

Long Island Iced Tea

Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl……..

Jagerbombs

That sh-t is gross beyond imagination, and you should feel bad about yourself. I mean really, who decided that they were going to take Jager — the most cough medicine-y of the already extremely medicinal world of alcohol, and mix it with Red Bull, which is amongst the most cloyingly sugary of all mixers? Why don’t we just hold a funnel into each other’s mouths and pour sacks of cane sugar down our throats? You know what? Get out of the bar.

A Bottle of Grey Goose

Hey, girl, why don’t you come hang out at the VIP table? You look good, girl.

Tequila Shots

This is the funeral for any hope you once had at the night ending well, at a reasonable hour, or without at least one soul-crushing mistake. You’re just getting in a few gulps of liquid courage before you a) Grind by yourself on the platform while no one watches, b) Text your ex to ask if they still think about you sometimes, or c) Pull someone aside to tell them how much you just love them, man. If you’re the one ordering tequila shots around 1 in the morning, people should stay the hell away from you, because you’ll fight anyone, you don’t even give a f-ck. TC mark

image – Sin Amigos

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    • Kate

      How many times is TC going to publish this same article??

    • durr

      I swear, this article’s been posted on this site at least five times before in similar, if not exactly the same, incarnations.

    • laura

      I probably read a different one of these but I don’t really care because I’m weirdly obsessed with them.

    • http://gravatar.com/ctempel ct

      or you could think real hard and not be an identity politic retard that creates graven images of people by what they drink. that’s a sin.

    • Sasha

      long island iced tea ftw

    • http://gravatar.com/mumblezone Madi

      I am disappointed that vodka shots were portrayed in a positive light. They are disgusting and ordered by underaged girls at bars that don’t know any other type of drink.

    • YOLOMA

      AWESOME

    • vodkadrinker

      Mila Jaroniec wrote a much better one a couple months back. This just reads bitchy, and obviously is unoriginal at this point.

    • http://www.12inchpianist.com Derek Springer

      Reblogged this on 12-inch pianist and commented:
      Absent: beer cocktails–the hipsterest of drinks. Clever article.

    • Kim

      GNT??

    • http://www.facebook.com/davey.kuraner Davey Kuraner

      Easily the best incarnation of this article. On this site.

    • http://www.facebook.com/davey.kuraner Davey Kuraner

      Also, needs to include gin & tonics. For those who want to order a bitch drink, but don’t want to drown their pride in it.

    • Guest

      You are the most judgmental writer on this entire website.

    • http://www.raymondthimmes.com raymondthimmes

      I just go for bottle service.

    • Ali

      WHERE IS THE RUM?!

    • Charli

      ummm maybe Jager is the most “medicine-y” because it was originally a medicine? .

    • http://www.facebook.com/michellerows Michelle Garcia

      I love half-off raspberry lemon-drop martinis for happy hour after a long day at work, but I don’t know what “SATC” means…

      • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti (@kyleangeletti)

        Sex and the City. C’mon, did you have to make me to that?

    • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti (@kyleangeletti)

      Your red wine descriptor is bang on. Where’s the apple brandy??
      A version of this list explicitly for fancy French drinks would be a great read as well.

    • Elle

      what about hard ciders? for people who don’t like beer, but everyone around them is ordering beer, and they don’t want to draw too much attention to themselves so they order cider because it kind of looks like beer and it tastes good?

    • http://atlfreewifi.com/what-does-your-drink-say-about-you/ What does your drink say about you? | ATLFREEWIFI.com

      […] to Chelsea Fagan’s essay ‘What Your Drink Says About You,’ “going out is nothing if not a series of statements you inadvertently make about […]

    • morgan

      the tequila one cracks me up. Tequila is NEVER a good idea. I can’t say there has been one night that I took tequila shots and was proud of my memories the next day and sometimes I didn’t even know where I was when I woke up in the morning.

    • ES

      Please remember whatever you were going for with “bougie” looks like “booger” and i in fact spelled “boujis”

      • http://lizsachs.wordpress.com esachs

        *is

    • rob

      Berlin club drink, great substitute for VRB: vodka + Club Mate (mate based caffeine drink).
      The way to properly consume it: Once you order it, bartender passes you unopened 0.5l bottle of Club Mate. Open it, and drink as much out of it as you want. Pass it back to bartender, who refills it back to top with vodka.

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