Let’s All Get Drunk And Go See Magic Mike

Here’s what I’m saying: Can we please all just get together on the premiere date, go get drunk on jewel-toned martinis like some busted version of Sex and the City, eat a sampler of deep-fried appetizers while giggling about how we should really have a salad, and then go get rowdy in the theater and scream at the mantreats to take it off? Can we please? There is seriously nothing that would make me happier.

I am just so excited to finally see a film that just takes a bunch of gorgeous men, cuts out all of the pesky middlemen such as plot, dialogue, or artistic integrity, and just injects our veins with a near-lethal dose of assless chaps and butts that look like two glorious scoops of butter pecan ice cream. I mean, really, Channing Tatum has been playing the hot high school jock/be-wifebeatered dancer for like ten years now — homeboy is 32 and still looks gorgeous hitting on some girl outside of chemistry class. The man is beautiful in such a delectably bro-y way, who is better for this film? And before his fame, he actually was a male stripper — apparently this is semi-based on his experiences… but that is getting too into plot, let’s not overthink this.

And Matthew McConaughey, that precious, slightly weathered blonde. He’s had that sexy, drawling southern gentleman thing going on for several decaes, and the act never gets less attractive. Can his character smoke weed and play naked bongos? Can he be the veteran stripper that teaches the young upstarts the ropes with patience and grace? Can he do full-frontal?

I have no clue who Alex Pettyfer is, but I’m sure you all can help me out there. In any case, he looks beautiful.

Have you guys seen the red band trailer where Matt Bomer just straight-up lays down on top of some woman and shoves his only-barely-obscured-by-a-white-thong crotch in her face? IN HER FACE, YOU GUYS. What is this beautiful, beautiful movie? I don’t know what I appreciate more about it — that someone decided to make this and have that exact scene at one point, or that Matt Bomer, an at least semi-legitimate actor, was like, “Hell, yeah, I’ll put on that thong and rub my weenie all over that woman’s face. Hell yeah.” Everyone involved with this picture deserves the Nobel Prize.

And though I have never watched True Blood (I know, I know), I can safely say that seeing Joe Manganiello as a character named — I kid you not — Big Dick Richie will be amongst the highlights of my year. That man just looks like an amalgam of every bored housewife’s fantasy, covered with baby oil and smiling at you with his chest muscles. We are all that bored housewife, Joe, we are all her — our bodies are ready.

Look, all I’m saying is that movies this perfect don’t come around very often, so I think we just need to put on some oversized sunglasses, get outrageously day drunk, and go and cat-call a movie screen for an hour or two. We all deserve to let loose and just stare at some aesthetically perfect men every once in a while — we work so goddamn hard. I’ll see you all on premiere day, I’ll be the one with the apple vodka and the “MATT BONER” shirt. I should be easy to spot. TC mark

 

image – Warner Bros

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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  • Janna

    My thoughts exactly!

  • Craigory

    Yes please! This will be a huge hit, pun intended!

    They’ve got the girls and the gays (me) roped in. Opening night should be a loud mess- can’t wait

  • Guest

    DEFINITELY.DOING.THIS. Fried food before hand is genius. Then making my boyfriend pick my drunk/horny ass up. Chelsea, you’ve just made my day.

  • Adina

    I had to google for that picture you put!

  • Adrea

    I’m in!

  • We enjoy it and wish you would too

    I love it! Well, not so much the idea of seeing this movie, but that you women objectify us. If I were dating any one of you (sans the male, sorry bro), I would be happy that you were putting together a girls night for something like this.

    Honesty, I might be a little hesitant about . . . um, “giving it up(?)” later because I know there is absolutely zero chance that I’ll be in your headspace while we are scratching that itch, but I’d get over it and try not to ruin it for you.

    Please, women, go see this film. I don’t mean this sarcastically at all. You really should do this and have a good time.

    • http://twitter.com/Chelsea_Fagan Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan)

      THIS COMMENT IS STRANGELY ENDEARING. YOU GO, GUY!

    • http://www.facebook.com/michellerows Michelle Garcia

      I would totally hit the like button for this comment.

    • The Pumpkin

      I love that you love our reaction :) Women are totally objectifiers too; we’re just usually stealthier about it. Channing Tatum and Matt Bomer have neutralized our discretion I guess…

  • Seth

    Alex Pettyfer..I am Number Four, Beastly..he’s perfect

    • http://twitter.com/JustGeeee Geleen Faye Gallego (@JustGeeee)

      yes he is!

  • Cait

    Om Nom Nom. Can’t wait!!

  • http://gravatar.com/blackholesunshine Kix

    YES, PLEASE. Can Thought Catalog just put together an official outing for this? Like your meeting last year? Please?

  • http://www.facebook.com/sophiakiona Sophia Anderson

    The fact that I have no close girlfriends in this town with whom I can get drunk and see Magic Mike with is a HUGE bummer to me.

    • http://blackholesunshine.wordpress.com Shady Satin Drug

      Biggest bummer ever. I’m insanely tempted to make a meetup group. Who’s with me?!

    • http://www.facebook.com/jesuskiller Mercedes Villanueva

      All my friends are guys…. :(
      I will watch this alone. HAHA.

  • http://ethanbaldwin.com Ethan

    This has already been put into motion. I would like to invite you all to this.

    http://www.facebook.com/events/191802504278579/

    Just show up to the 11:30 showing at AMC Loews 19th St. East 6, and look for all the loud-as-fuck drunk folks wearing LED necklaces. Oh, this is happening.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brandonwhumphries Brandon Humphries

    I’m down with it, but only if I have a hot guy to get down with afterwards.

    And Matt Bomer, he’s so pretty I want to punch him in the teeth and then hate fuck him. I’m sure he’s a great guy, but no one person should have that much pretty. (And turn off the faucet ladies, he bats for my team).

    • Patamar2

      Sweetie, don’t care who he bats for it doesn’t change how I feel when I see him. A girl can dream & enjoy!

  • http://taekia.wordpress.com taekiab

    HELL YES. Can I captain the DC meet-up for this shit. Sigh, love.

  • Patamar2

    Say, Chelsea, Matt Bomer is a great deal more than a “semi-legitimate actor”. You need to get out more or research better or at all

  • S.Jones

    Pssst gurl *decades not decaes

  • nicole

    I love that all these “get drunk and watch Magic Mike” posts are popping up because that has been my plan since I heard this movie was happening. #NotAlone

  • http://twitter.com/JustGeeee Geleen Faye Gallego (@JustGeeee)

    read while listening to we found love by rihanna :)

  • http://www.mandysmind.com Mandy

    if you live in or near Vancouver BC that is EXACTLY what we have planned – maritni’s and appies and cat calling at the theatre – epic girls night – epic!!!

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/aaron-chang/2014/06/magic-mike-and-feminisms-double-standard/ Magic Mike And Feminism’s Double Standard | Thought Catalog

    […] “anti-feminist”, while movies like Magic Mike are being celebrated for the characters’ “assless chaps and butts that look like two glorious scoops of butter pecan ice cream.”? No, that wasn’t me over exaggerating; that came from a Thought Catalog article by Chelsea Fagan. […]

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