6 Foods That Are Literally The Devil

Why do some foods just set out to make us unhappy? Whether from taste, sugar-fat content, or just pure inability to stop — it’s as though these foods laugh at us every time we sit down in front of them. Well, I, for one, am done playing servant to these foods’ fickle whims! I’m going to break the habit and stop these forever…tomorrow.

1. 100-Calorie Packs

I don’t know if you’re one of those people who can daintily eat about three Doritos and then set the bag down with the honorable resolve of a warrior, but I am not one of those people. If I open a pack of Oreos (when I’m by myself, let’s be real, when we’re around other people we can usually feign self-restraint for a little bit) I’m lucky if I don’t manage to ravage both sleeves in their entirety. Thus these 100-Calorie abominations provide just enough gastronomical pleasure to make my stomach grumble, turn over, and say, “Oh, hey, we’re eating now?” They are an appetizer to an appetizer — they are not food. Who could be satisfied with just one of these by themselves as an afternoon snack or, God forbid, an entire breakfast? And while we’re on the subject, it pains me to even think about the incredible bastardization they’ve put their “inspiration-foods” through. Look at their version of Oreos! Look at them! What are those things? If I want an Oreo, I want an Oreo, not a paper-thin piece of slate covered with cocaine sprinkles. Sell those “cookies” if you want, but don’t refer to them as Oreos — call them what they are, “horrendous diet cookies.” Diet food needs to stop messing with my emotions like this.

2. Chicken McNuggets

I know that these things are a monstrosity of modern cuisine. I know they are not fit to be consumed by anything, much less humans capable of higher brain function and reason. I have seen the images of what mechanically-separated-chicken actually looks like. (Yay! Strawberry soft-serve!) I just cannot stop loving these little things like they were my own children. Children that I would eat in their sleep. But I mean, let’s be honest, McDonald’s products are absolutely terrible any time ever except for the first three minutes of their lifespan, and only when you really want McDonald’s (nine out of 10 times, completely wasted). But when you’ve had a few too many drinks, and you happen to get finger-burningly hot fries and chicken nuggets, does life not feel just a little bit better? And with an array of dipping sauces to please any palate, you can’t say the evil corporation isn’t trying its best to take care of your gluttonous, gluttonous needs. I know I shouldn’t, but damn if I can’t stop. Ugh, now I want McDonald’s.

3. Gummi Candies

Whether in worm form, rope form, bear form, peach ring form, or sweet, sweet, Sour Patch Kids, gummies are out to get me. It cannot be just me who is incapable of opening a pack of gummies without finishing it. At least, I hope it’s not. They’re just so delicious, and somehow light enough that you don’t really feel like you’re eating much of anything. There has never been a bag of Haribo gummi bears that I haven’t slain like a fire-breathing dragon. And those peach rings, what kind of dark magic are those things?! Perhaps it’s a metaphor for life, the soft-yet-chewable texture of these candies. They’re just tough enough to require some serious tooth action, but delicate enough to be pleasant. I don’t know, I think my conscious mind just wants a reason to justify tearing through a movie-theater pack of Sour Patch kids before the previews were over. I’ll just stay away from the gummi section of the candy aisle — nothing good awaits me there.

4. Nutella

I’m not even going into this, except to say that Nutella has caused so much shame, self-loathing, and tummy aches — it is the punisher of the internet for its sins — but I cannot stop loving it. I would literally fill up a bath tub with Nutella and flop around it like a dying fish, yet I can’t stand to look it in the eye in the grocery store. It is truly the hate sex of snack foods.

5. Starbucks Drinks

The thing about Starbucks is, regardless of how much it puts us into severe credit-card debt or leaves us in a lethargic caffeine crash post-lunch hour, that sh-t is delicious and, frankly, we cannot give it up. But the problem is not just in the rather steep daily price tag, or the undulating waves of sugar and espresso which pass through our bloodstream, it’s also that we’ve managed to convince ourselves it’s not “that bad for you.” I mean, we walk around with one of those insane Rachel Zoe-sized latte cups and we feel cool, and chic, and not as though we’re essentially drinking a bucket of lard covered with whipped cream and drizzled in syrup. Sure, you can change some of the more heavy ingredients out, but then you’re just drinking a gallon of skim and/or soy milk filled with liquid aspartame. No matter how you slice it, it’s just probably not what we should be downing first thing in the morning. But we will continue to go there, and to rationalize the little cakes and scones, and drink the sweet, sweet nectar of the Gods. As soon as someone can make an actual decent breakfast, like a bowl full of bran and some cut up fruit or whatever, taste that magical — we’ll be consuming it in droves. Trust me.

6. Tempura Anything

I think we’ve all been in a Japanese restaurant at some point and ordered a big-ass basket of fried food and somehow thought to ourselves, “Ehh, it’s Japanese, how unhealthy could it possibly be?” as we sucked it down with a giant bowl of white rice drowned in molten sodium, known in some circles as “soy sauce.” We just have this mental image of going to a sushi place as “eating light,” even if we’re literally just eating deep-fried batter dipped in spicy mayonnaise. There exists no basket of veggie tempura too big to be taken down in one sitting, and I feel blessed to be allergic to shrimp, as I will never fall victim to the crunchy ebi roll, also known as the Funyuns of Japanese cuisine. (However, I do frequently partake in the spider roll, made with fried soft shell crab, and it tastes like I imagine Ryan Gosling’s kisses do.) Let’s go get some sushi, you guys! TC mark

 

image – Artnow314

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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  • http://www.facebook.com/brianmay Brian Gregory May

    This made my head literally explode. Literally.

    • Helene

      Literally? You should really call a doctor, if you can manage.

  • maddy

    couldn’t agree more with ALL of these! especially chicken mcnuggets.. I dread to think what I’m doing to my body but damn… they just taste so good.

  • Emil Caillaux

    Tempura Anything? I say: TEMPURA EVERYTHING!

    But seriously, when you realize the tempura process is basically battering and deep-frying, you realize you’ve basically stumbled onto one of the few connections between Japanese cuisine and the South.

    • http://gravatar.com/ellapalooza Ella Ceron

      I’m convinced deep frying is the UN of cuisine. Jalapenos. Okra. Dough in multiple forms. Tempura. Oreos. Paneer, even though that’s fried and not DEEP fried. Ice cream, even. Soda. BUBBLE GUM. But that’s also because Americans just laugh in the face of common sense and decent eating habits.

      • http://twitter.com/Bealtaine6 chloe cass (@Bealtaine6)

        Churros if you want to be Mediterranean about deep frying :)

  • Ang

    LOL-ed at everything. “Funyuns of Japanese Cuisine”. Can we be friends? …and grab some McD’s strawberry soft serve every now and then?

  • http://www.facebook.com/megelizabethgrace Meg Watson

    Nutella – “truly the hate sex of snack foods.” Yes. Just, yes.

  • wendy

    I think we are the same person..except I’m not living in Paris and can’t write. Maybe we are just the same person when it comes to food. I loved this almost as much as the one about what you can’t keep in the house…

  • Kyle

    Why did I ever do this to myself and click on this?

  • Emily

    Every one of my favorite Thoughts is written by Chelsea. She is brilliant, hilarious and takes the words right out of my mouth. Especially concerning nutella.

    • http://twitter.com/Chelsea_Fagan Chelsea Fagan (@Chelsea_Fagan)

      I feel so undeserving of such a wonderful compliment! o=(^_^)=o

      • Emily

        Ahh! But I mean every word! Each time I start reading and find myself laughing, I scroll up and see your name on the article. Please never stop writing for Thought Catalog… Hope I’m not going too awkward anonymous internet fan on you.

  • http://twitter.com/alisonwisneski alisonwisneski (@alisonwisneski)

    I could honestly cry with laughter. Sheer genius. I have said these things before about 5 of the 6. Adore.

  • Piper

    100 calorie packs are really just gluttony speed bumps. Let’s be real. Thanks Nabisco for reminding me to pace myself.

  • Halley

    Damn you, I just picked up a 4 piece mcnugget…. I always forget about the super weird aftertaste. Maybe I’ll remember this for next time? /doubt it.

  • Lauren

    I was literally eating a 100 calorie pack of cheese-its when I clicked on this article, and I finished it by the first paragraph, and now I’m STARVING.

  • http://www.facebook.com/dickinson.peter Peter Dickinson

    starbucks dosen’t make coffee last time I checked, but theres some good (Mc)Nuggets in this piece for sure

  • Tom

    Nothing is more repulsive than Nutella.

    • http://twitter.com/rob_t_firefly Rob Vincent (@rob_t_firefly)

      Seconded so much.

  • clairez93

    Now I want all these foods. Dammit.

  • Guest

    I love this! So hilarious and, unfortunately, true.

  • reg

    this is the truest thing ever written.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10613242 Elizabeth Asaurus-rex

    “It is truly the hate sex of snack foods.”

    Oif. Indeed.

  • http://twitter.com/CatWitches Sophie Cat (@CatWitches)

    You live in France right? If so have you ever eaten Carambars?
    If not, go RIGHT now to the nearest shop an by some caramel (original) flavoured ones…
    My childhood summers over there were spent getting cavities from those things BUT IT WAS SOO WORTH IT – also try some Mikados, nom.

  • http://ofela.wordpress.com/2012/06/14/the-thing-about-starbucks/ The thing about Starbucks… « Blub

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  • Munchkin

    Agreed on everythiiing! Especially on Haribo, coming from the German city (Bonn) where it originates :D

  • ufufufu

    Chelsea, I think this is the second article I’ve read that’s from you, you are brilliant. Thank you!

  • Colleen

    hilarious.

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