Some Suggestions For New “FHM Top 100” Lists

All the internet, and society at large, is abuzz over the newest Sexiest Woman Alive, Tulisa Contostavlos. Sure, you’ve never heard of her, but she represents everything that a woman should be looking up to, both in terms of personal achievement and intellectual prowess. Her career as a… famous person… is one that is deserving of not only the highest praise, but the top spot of female beauty, power, and worth. Now she is off to accept her grand prizes — standing doe-eyed in front of Terry Richardson’s unbelievably creepy camera lens and, one would imagine, a trip to Bermuda or something. Either way, she’s got some serious celebrating in front of her. She is the winner of a contest that consistently reminds us, “Hey, ladies, why don’t you not so much with the talking and maybe shake your ass a little more?” FHM is essentially the equivalent of a bus full of school boys driving by a pretty girl and all simultaneously licking the windows, but that’s why we love them. However, it’s not fair that women should get all the absurdly objectifying glory — men should have equivalent lists that celebrate who they are as people, and, more importantly, who they are as nameless sacks of meat. Here, some ideas, should their creative department be stuck looking at a breast-shaped potato chip or something:

  • Top 100 Average-Looking Guys Who Make Up For It By Owning A Porsche
  • Top 100 Guys Who Got Awesome Middle Management Jobs In Their Dad’s Above-Ground Pool Company, Ladies
  • 100 Most Circumcised Penises
  • 100 Most Latently Homosexual Fantasy Football Parties
  • Top 100 Most Unfortunate Opening Lines That You Can Tell He Read In A Magazine Like FHM
  • Top 100 Guys Who Still Wear Ed Hardy Like It’s Somehow Not The Abomination It Is
  • 100 Saddest Pancake Asses
  • Top 100 Crushed Dreams Of High-School Football Greatness
  • 100 Most Bearable Cargo Shorts
  • Top 100 Guys Who Wish They Could Admit, Occasionally, That Michael Fassbender Is Actually Pretty Good-Looking
  • Top 100 Former College Bros Who Are Now 28 And Still Constantly Reminisce About Rushing Their Frat
  • 100 Most Skinny Guys With Tiny Beer Bellies
  • 100 Most Persistent Neckbeards
  • Top 100 Guys Who Insist On Magnums And You’re Just Like LOL Ok, Whatever You Say, Bro
  • Top 100 Premature Ejaculators
  • 100 Most Insecure Straight Guys Who Can’t Shake Another Man’s Hand Without A “No Homo”
  • 100 Sexiest Men Alive Who Perpetually Friendzone Themselves And Then Whine Endlessly About It On Reddit TC mark
image – MTV UK

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://twitter.com/karlusss Karl McDonald

    You surely have the requisite sway with Thought Catalog to actually make these lists, continuing through them daily as everyone forgets what the original joke was.

  • Anonymous

    The only reason Tulisa Contostavlos has been voted sexiest woman alive is because of the (possibly self released) video of her giving some guy a (really bad) blowjob.  

    • Anonymous

       Uh, let’s not forget that N-Dubz was fucking awesome

      • Anonymous

        Ha. I hope that’s a joke.

  • Michaelwg

    I absolutely agree, boys should be doing something of more, oh I don’t know, substance, than oogling the newest “hot girl”. Like, watching Rom Coms.

  • http://summerslowrunner.wordpress.com/ Summer

    ” Top 100 Guys Who Insist On Magnums And You’re Just Like LOL Ok, Whatever You Say, Bro”

    I lol’d IRL. Funny because it’s true.

  • https://twitter.com/#!/ZachAmes macgyver51

    Whats that? Can’t hear you over my reading of “Fifty Shades of Gray.”

  • Anonymous

    100 Most Circumcised Penises

    lol I CAN NOT.

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    #3 was painful to read.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

    “Hey, ladies, why don’t you not so much with the talking and maybe shake your ass a little more?” Oh, so you listen to hip hop do you?

  • Anonymous

    What’s a Tulisa Contostavlos?

  • Guestropod

    radical

  • https://plus.google.com/u/0/104823831473876010792/posts Audrey Lynn

    “…insist on Magnums” – hahahhhh. Admittedly, this trick worked on me. I saw the Magnum wrapper the next day and immediately thought “oh???” – then for the next 3 or 4 times we did it, I believed he was gifted (mind you, I was heavily intoxicated all these times). But, I did eventually realize his average-ness. But it was a clever trick.

  • Guest

    perfection. this made me so happy.

  • Ford Tennis

    “Breast-shaped potato chip” was hilarious. Can’t stop cracking up.

    The rest….eh. 

  • Guest

    I don’t understand your anger here… there are plenty of sexiest man alive lists too.  Both sexes are shallow at times, deal with it.

  • Dang

    If you’re British, you know who she is. And I’m pretty sure this poll was done by the UK version of FHM.

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