Hey, guess what, guys? That Mark Zuckerberg guy — the one who has spent the past 8 years of his life economically giving the finger to all of the people who didn’t accept him socially in his youth — he just took one more step towards his rightful place on the throne of Holy Emperor Overlord The Great. Yeah, according to a lot of financial reporters who have had to more or less wear adult diapers to contain themselves about the news the past few weeks, Facebook is public and worth something like 100 billion dollars — a number so high as to not conceivably exist.
And what does this mean to us? Absolutely nothing! Well, aside from the fact that all of the personal and purchasing information that Facebook has harvested from us like so many Matrix-esque pod people is about the most valuable thing in the world. The social media platform that your aunt uses to post pictures of her summer quilt project and harass you about your drinking habits is now the public property at which every rich white guy in a pinstriped suit is throwing himself shamelessly.
Mark even rang the bell today! How adorable! That will show Rooney Mara for rejecting him — bet she’s feeling pretty silly right now as ZuckZuck is wiping himself with gold bars and giving Fortune 500 companies the access codes to Zion.
So how should we respond to this information? Should we continue making little internet signs to get Facebook to stop shelling out our private information to every Tom, Dick, and Harry who asks for it, signs that we — with no concept of irony whatsoever — fervently pass around Facebook? Should we try to scrape up enough money to buy a share, knowing full well that we never will? Should we stop posting so many photos of us doing bong rips where everyone, including and especially the police, can see them at their discretion?
All of the above!
The point is, with this news that literally everyone has been screaming about for the past few weeks, things will never be the same. A website is worth more than many, many countries put together, and for so many already-rich people that we will never know the names of, times have never been sweeter. They’re going to get in on this, a lot of champagne and cigars will be enjoyed, and we’ll continue seeing advertisements of cribs pop up in the corner the second we start complaining via status updates about our friends posting pictures of their ugly kids.
And all is right with the world.