Hey Guys, Guess Who’s Starring In That New Tim Burton Movie?

You know, the one with all the creepy, weird characters and the mix of Hot Topic 13-year-old Goth macabre and acid-trip color palettes? Yeah, that would be inimitable Johnny Depp. And I know what you’re thinking: “How is that possible? Burton is known for his constant, grating casting of Daniel Day-Lewis, constantly sticking him in absurd costumes that overwhelm any ‘acting’ that might have been going on and more or less ruining his reputation through sheer overuse.” I know. Poor Daniel Day-Lewis. But this time, it’s Johnny’s turn.

In all seriousness, though, when is Burton going to let Johnny rest in peace? Did Burton witness Depp in the act of committing a murder? Is this the penance that needs to be paid to keep Burton from going to the cops and revealing Depp’s sordid past? Go to jail, Johnny. This isn’t worth it. Don’t let the man with the fork-in-electrical-socket hair win. You’re better than this.

Now, I don’t know much about the film itself, but if you’ll allow me to make a few assumptions, I’m pretty sure there’s going to be some spoOoky characters, and Depp delivering his lines with this peculiar but, by now, predictable mix of quiet curiosity and pseudo-goth strangeness. There is probably going to be some overwrought set design, lots of furniture and wall decor with curlicues and other classic-Victorian-on-mushrooms-style, and a bunch of smaller characters that litter the film, serving as nothing more than moving set pieces to add to the general “wonkiness,” so to speak. And there will be makeup. Cascades, rivers, a veritable ocean of makeup — both cosmetic and special effect — so much so that you’ll find yourself in the theater vaguely asking yourself, “Wait, is that… anyone other than Johnny Depp?” only to shake your head in reassurance when you realize that it is just, in fact, Johnny Depp with a metric ton of makeup on. Phew.

Oh, and of course, there is undoubtedly going to be The Patron Saint of Nepotism, Helena Bonham Carter. Sure, she’s Tim Burton’s wife, but that doesn’t mean she’s not an awesome actress. I mean, she goes from playing spooky woman who talks to Johnny Depp while having delightfully absurd hair, to spooky woman who talks to Johnny Depp while having slightly less delightfully absurd hair. I often find myself thinking, “I’m so glad that Tim Burton chose to look at Helena every morning when he wakes up, because now we get the pleasure of doing it, too. He is truly doing the Lord’s work.” If only every film could feature her pre-packaged kookiness, the world would be a better place. (Don’t tell me you didn’t go into near cardiac arrest when you saw her range in the Harry Potter films. Black corset, ridiculous hair, dark makeup, macabre settings, and carrying a wand? This woman knows no limits.)

Now we can only hope that people go see this film in endless droves, hordes upon hordes of loyal viewers who haven’t yet seen a couch that wouldn’t look better if it were candy-cane striped and covered in spiderwebs. We can only hope that this film makes so much money that Hollywood literally gives Burton carte blanche to turn every beloved series ever into a vague hour and a half of scary-looking clocks and weird hairstyles. We really owe it to ourselves as a culture, as a society, as human beings.

Congratulations, Burton, on becoming the new M Night Shyamalan. We knew you could do it. TC mark

image – Warner Bros

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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  • Emily


    Go to jail, Johnny. This isn’t worth it. ”
    Blasphemy.

  • Guest

    Dude, I don’t get your beef with Helena Bonham Carter. She’s an amazing actress. I’d like to see you do better.

    • Uhh

      “where’s the beef?”

      dude, can you read? where is it uttered that she has a problem with Ms. Bonham-Carter?

      • Guest

        I didn’t ask where it was. I said I didn’t get it. Know the difference. 

    • Gmo Saza

      Yes, she’s really good… in the one character she plays in every single movie.

      • really?

        Did you see King’s Speech?  Lady Jane?  Room with a View?  She doesn’t play the same recycled character in all her movies.  Granted, most are the cooky character, but not all.  She has the capability to do other things. 

  • http://twitter.com/FailboatSailor Justine G.

    Johnny Depp as a gothic character in a Tim Burton movie?! That’s madness! What a crazy cinematic path for Burton.

  • http://twitter.com/emilcDC Emil Caillaux

    Burton likes to cast/torture his favorite actors until they become unpalatable to audiences. Michael Keaton was the first with Beetlejuice and the two Batman movies. His thanks for that was Multiplicity and being Katie Holmes’s dad in a rom-com. Sarah Jessica Parker went through the wringer as well until her last movie with Burton involved her head being stuck in a chihuahua’s body throughout 80% of the movie.

    What’s surprising to me is how many movies Depp has done with Burton (Edward Scissorhands, Ed Wood, Sleepy Hollow, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Corpse Bride, Sweeney Todd, Alice in Wonderland, and now Dark Shadows) and he still has enough staying power to be on the cover of Vanity Fair once a year.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      It must be Depp’s eccentricity. I mean, it has to be. Right? 

  • Tomas

    Fagan is jealous of Helena. She just wishes she could have been in as many movies with Depp as Helena has. 

    • Lynette

      If she’s anything like me, she doesn’t want to be in movies with him…well, at least not the kind where they’re wearing clothes…

    • Guestropod

      pfft having a bone for Johnny Depp is so 2000

  • Jazmyn taylor

    “Oh, and of course, there is undoubtedly going to be The Patron Saint of Nepotism, Helena Bonham Carter.” Love it. Ha! It’s true, this is true, BUT I LOVE the three of them together. Johnny and Helena are both wonderful actors, because while they seem most at home playing weird kooky characters, they do excellent in other roles.  And I know that I shouldn’t be under any influence if a movie is made by Burton. He’s eternally on acid. But I don’t think he’s M Night Shyamalan level yet. That guy’s on shrooms atop mount Fiji.

  • Anonymous

    I can’t believe you compared Tim Burton to M Night Shyamalan. -_-

    • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

      yeah seriously what the fuck

    • Anonymous

      Yes, how dare she defile the cinematic genius of Mr. Shyamalan!  Director of such classics as unbreakable, lady in the water, the village, the happening, and signs. For fuck sake, compared to him, Kubrick is an amateur!

      • Anonymous

        You forgot to mention Avatar: The Last Airbender. It was epic shit.

      • Guestropod

        Signs was awesome.  

      • Anonymous

        I know! It totally blows that stupid Citizen Kane movie out of the water.

      • Guestropod

        Duh!  

  • Reenieho

    I love your sarcasm. That was my first impression when I saw the trailer. Actually I was excited when I first heard of this on Wiki, Tim & Depp & Helena at it again. The A-Team at the freaky-deakies. But when I saw the trailer, not hoping to count the chickens before they hatch, but it looks… horrid. It’s not about over-casting a person in your movies. Fuck, Depp is talented and probably the one in a thousand actors that could pull off roles like these, but if they had taken the movie a little more seriously, it would look better. Alice in Wonderland was such a let down, I think I’m awaiting Marilyn Manson’s one more than I did for Tim.  

  • aa

    verrr funny

    • Melissa

      TBS.

  • http://twitter.com/meganfauxxxx meg davies

    Say what you will, it won’t stop the movie, and at the end of the day your bitter sarcasm will look childish in comparison to what Burton has achieved. Regardless of how you feel, he has fans, and those fans have money. It’s almost silly that you took your time out of your day to write down an article like this – just from the pure anger you have against something you really shouldn’t give a shit about. While it was an entertaining read, your talents could be of use elsewhere. 

  • LOL OH BBY NOOOO

    LOL I LUV REVIEWING MOVEEEES THAT I HAVNT SEEN EITHER! U MUST BE A TOTAL AWSUM WRITER IN PARIS LOL BBY LYKE THE CITY OF LOVE. LYKE I LOVE UR REVIEW OF A MOVIE U DDNT SEE LOL

  • http://twitter.com/iamthe0nly Jordana Bevan

    chelsea fuck off, tim/johnny depp are a perfect f-cking team. and they do great f-cking things because they have so much star power and when they make a move, and put rising or new actors in the movie, they are BOOM propelling them to excellence. god dammit people being dumb makes me so angry which is dumb and now i’m angry for being angry and it never ends. thanks a lot.

  • Mila Jaroniec

    Helena Bonham Carter will always be Marla Singer to me. That is all. 

  • Fancyface

    I love Tim Burton
    I love Johnny Depp
    I LOVE Helena Boham Carter
    Im not so keen on you

  • Anonymous

    The best movie Tim Burton ever did was Ed Wood. The irony however is that he doesn’t realize he is Ed Wood.

  • Anonymous

    Haters gonna hate. I can’t wait for the movie to come out!

  • Caroline T

    I often enjoy your articles but with this one so I’m sorry to say it, but it really seems like you’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here. Sounds like you’re just not really a fan of the Burton brand of entertainment. He’s not my favorite either, necessarily, but directors working with the same actors over and over again is not really something he came up with. Godard, Fellini, Allen, Hitchcock, Altman, P.T. Andersen. You could make the same gripe about all of these guys. Some people think they make great films, and some may not.

  • Kells

    King’s Speech? Ophelia? Twelfth Night? Wallace and Gromit? The list goes on. She is more than an accomplished actor even if you take out her work with Burton.

    If you are going to attack Burton/Depp, where is the article about the whole Brat Pack or the Frat Pack? Scorcese/DeNiro? Nolan/Caine? Almodovar/Banderas? If Tim Burton (or any director really) wanted to continually give me employment? I would have a hard time saying no.  Unless of course the movies were to be rated with certain letters of the alphabet. Then I just wouldn’t invite my mother.

    • Really guys?

      Room With a View as well. 

  • Vanessa

     “Now, I don’t know much about the film itself…”

    Exactly.  

  • Melissa

    thank you for this!!!

  • Guest

    Maybe I’m missing the point of all the criticism of this article.  Tim Burton has been making the same movie over and over again for the past few years.  That’s not to say he’s bad or good at it, but Depp is his muse and Carter is the muse he could legally marry.  Burton hits home runs with Ed Wood, Big Fish, Edward Scissorhands, Beetlejuice, etc… but at the same time, when you hear a Tim Burton movie is in development, do you bat an eye if you see that Depp, Carter, Plummer, and some slightly “awkward” or “abnormal” child is going to be in the cast?  It’s not that his movies are bad, its just that he hasn’t changed up the formula.  If that is his “style”, so be it, but compared to the cinematic spectrum, you can’t say that Burton ventures too far from his “style” and he has become very predictable. 

    • Lover

      Yes, you did just rehash her entire article. All of those points were essentially her point.

  • Megm87

    love. this. VERY well done, lady

  • Narkhn

    This was amazing. Very well written.

  • Anonymous

    I just read pretty much this exact article on another blog site (Grantland), right down to the Shyamalan reference. Weird.

  • Bee

    Tim Burton is a genius, Johnny Depp is a fantastic actor. i have no problem with this pairing 

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