All Hail The Emperor Of The Friendzone

Striding down his carpet made of good intentions and inappropriate bouquets he offered you for holidays and milestones, here comes the Emperor of the hallowed Land of the Perpetual Friend. He stands a decent 6’1, but with his permanent slouch and uncomfortable shuffling, onlookers would put him at around 5’10, max. As he works his way up to the microphone to ask his subjects how they’re doing, and if they’re busy this weekend, but it’s fine if they are, he totally understands because he’s got some plans with some guy friends anyway. This is the moment we’ve been waiting for.

And what makes him the Emperor? What separates him from the rest of the guys who live, squirming, in the pushed-aside corners of our lives? What makes him the ultimate man referred to, among other things, as “like our brother” and “totally such a nice guy, you don’t even know”? Sure, he feigns deep, sincere friendship with us in the hope that one day it will magically transmute into a Six Flags-esque day pass to our vaginas, but that’s not enough. He is special, and he knew he needed to do more to set himself apart.

Does he pay far too close attention to everything we are doing, staying involved in our personal affairs and appearing, seemingly by magic, at our side when we go through a breakup? Does he listen endlessly to the problems we’ve faced with other guys — other guys who get access to us romantically not because they’re dicks, but because they are not the human equivalent of a hand-crocheted welcome mat from our grandmother’s house? Does he constantly come bearing gifts that seem to come from a genuine desire to make us feel special because we are his good friend, but ultimately are seen as some kind of currency to be cashed out in our underwear? Does he picture his good deeds like tickets at Chuck-E-Cheese’s, hoping to one day amass enough to get that shiny bra at the top shelf of the gift counter?

The Emperor does all of these in spades. He laments the cruelty of the girl whose affection he has yet to win out of relentless servitude and deference, spending his nights on Reddit and 4Chan, explaining his troubles in a veritable echo chamber of “Yeah, man. Girls suck.” His existence has been reduced to that of a 12-year-old boy in a club house, vehemently stating that there are, in fact, no girls allowed — but secretly hoping that one will break the rules and come his way. For if the Emperor stays in a perpetual state of dismissing and admonishing women, his constant rejection will seem more a condition of his own choosing.

He is strong, our new Emperor, steadfast in his determination to treat us like some strange amalgam of a fairy-tale princess and 5-year-old girl. He won’t stop until we eventually cave and sleep with him once, only to regret it immensely the second we realize we’re actually going through with it, or the friendship dissolves out of our inability to maintain “bff” status with someone who is perpetually trying to lick our face. Regardless of the outcome, though, and regardless of whether or not he’ll Swiper No Swipey his way into 10-17 minutes of sweet, sweet friend poon, he is a man of his word. He is totally going to be there for us, posting excessively on our Facebook, asking us about our “asshole boyfriends,” and reminding us that we are the greatest girl ever. By the way, he wants you to know you looked totally sexy the other night in your new skirt. But, like, as a friend, though. TC mark

image – Andrew Jordan

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

    More first world problems. It’s not that hard to kick a reverse fag hag to the curb, with illusions shattered and even dignity intact. Also a little gross that this feeds into the trope that girls only dig apathetic jerk offs. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

      You’re right. I’m sure that trope is just coincidence.

      • http://www.vview.co.za/ Glenn Kisela

        Jonathon 1 – 0 Aladin

  • aelienkind

    is there such a thing as empress of the friendzone? 

    • Anonymous

      Yes, and from early 2004 to late 2005, that person was me.

      • aelienkind

        I guess it makes no difference what gender pairings we’re applying this to. 

        how did it end? 

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

        How’d you kick that habit?

  • IrvineBlack

    Yeah, girls suck.

  • Nishant

    I would love to hear from the Emperor himself. Not a girl’s (no offence intended!) judgment of him and how he thinks.

    • Jenny

      that would be a hilarious article.

  • Anonymous

    I feel like those of us who actually do have a male friendship very similar to what you described & know it to be a genuine friendship are underrepresented & incorrectly judged in our generation. 

    I mean, according to popular opinion & what I’ve been reading on this topic these days, he would want to fuck me if I wasn’t so distinctly unfuckable. but y’know not everything in this world has to be about getting laid. I have a connection with this male human that is rare & important, and I will spend the rest of my life with him .. as my friend. We both know the kind of real love we want is outside of our friendship. 

    If I ever hear someone say to his future girlfriend, “Oh don’t be intimidated by Jessica. They are obvs just friends because she’s a cow,” (advice recently given in an issue of Glamour), both Ben & I would beat the shit out of said person & he would question any girlfriend who was surrounded by people with this opinion of one his best & longest-lasting friendships

    My best friend IS like my brother, he is always on my side & we talk frequently about how pumped he is to grill out with my future husband, while I hang out with his wife & tell his kids stories of road trips I once took with their dad. We’re not delusional. Give me a break. 

    • Guestropod

      awesome, this is not even about you and your male friend, then – plenty of people have meaningful cross-gender friendships, this is about a specific type of person who pretends to ‘just be your friend’ in hopes of one day fucking you while resenting you for not fucking him

      I’m actually impressed that you managed to take this personally

      • Anonymous

        Maybe I should have worded things differently, but justt so we’re all clear I have reading comprehension skills & I know it wasn’t referring to what my friend & I have. Just throwing this anecdote into a discussion of male-female friendships because I think it’s a valid counterpoint to what she was describing. 

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

      That’s all well and good, but you must realize that you are the exception rather than the norm. What you have (as far as you know) is mutual; you’re both on the same plane as to what you want out of the relationship between the two of you.  This article, however, is more about when each person wants different things; one person wanting (and getting) a friendship, the other wanting (but not getting) a romantic relationship.

    • JPeebs

      I totally agree, I have a female friend from childhood that I have absolutely no desire to sleep with. She’s pretty, but I just can’t explain it.

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Luan-Evert/100000983916816 Luan Evert

      Finally some sense ^^,)

  • Robert L.

    I can totally hear the Imperial March.

  • http://www.vview.co.za/ Glenn Kisela

    More guys need to read this. Friendzone isn’t always woman-made. Sometimes in life, you get what you ask for, whether you realised you were asking for it or not.

    • http://twitter.com/Commander_Co0l Tony F.

      truth

    • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jonathon-Ferrari/100001319787228 Jonathon Ferrari

      Additionally, being a passive aggressive (insert any piece of anatomy here) who does good things in your own self interest doesn’t make you a “nice guy”.

  • Guestropod

    yeah, I realized it was time to kick mine to the curb when he let himself into my house one day and I only barely made it into the closet to hide in time

    • Anonymous

      Wtf why didn’t you beat the shit out of him?

  • http://www.vview.co.za/ Glenn Kisela

    Chelsea, just saw the tag: “Friend Zone Level 9000”. So much win.

    • Anonymous

      Dumb overdone joke from 2007?

      Check.

      • http://www.vview.co.za/ Glenn Kisela

        ^ Asshole Level 9000

        Check.

      • Anonymous

        Seems someone can’t handle the truth.
        When’s the last time that was funny?

  • JadedRomantic

    You know, not so long ago, women would lament about how guys were all such jerks and that nice men were like the unicorn – mythical, prone to elicit warm fuzzy feelings but nonexistent. Hence the birth of the SNAG. In defense of my liege, unlike the unicorn, it is not always about the pointy thing. Guys are capable of genuine care and concern, and while the ultimate goal of procreation may be at the back of their minds, it is a good-to-have, a bonus.

    I find it inexplicable that said females then deliver the roundhouse kick to these champions of the friendzone – no looking and don’t even think about touching; you just don’t cut it. We aim to please, but for fuck’s sake, make up your damn minds.  

    • Anonymous

      Emperor, is that you?

    • Guestropod

      who spit in your bean curd

  • Mars

    Your recent writing has become complete and utter shit. Can’t believe you get paid for this garbage.

  • Jesse Vaughan

    SWIPER NO SWIPEY

  • James

    It’s articles like this that make me reconsider being a genuine, non manipulative, and generally selfless male. Maybe you should view your vagina as a Chuck E Cheese prize. It would beat the thank-you-come-again attitude some woman have. The same way that men should read this article and understand that they are responsible for creating these situations–females should realize their part in their own terrible situations. 

    • Guestropod

      yeah, you certainly sound really genuine and selfless and kind

  • Anonymous

    He’s a dick. 
    Period.

  • Anonymous

    Emperor? More like court jester. 
    If a girl makes her intentions clear and the other half insists on continuing in hopes she might, “Cave in” or vice versa it’s a manipulation. Plain and simple. 

  • Terrence

    Th

  • Terry

    I think it’s awesome that privileged and oblivious white females think it’s cool to write articles reflecting their derisive, holier than thou mentality and get paid for it, in the meantime garnering hundreds of snide and holier than thou smirks on the faces of other privileged oblivious white females. But you’re broadcasting to anyone with a brain that you can’t put yourself in others shoes, and that you’re less sympathetic than you like to think. I’m not asking you to become attracted to these people, the way you described them leaves a bitter taste even in my mouth. And we all know women have a need for their partner to be dominant and confidant, as it worked in nature. But I don’t know anyone that’s “friendzoned” that acted like how you’re describing they acted. They tried playing the game. They weren’t invasive, gave them space, tried their best to act confident, took care of themselves, displayed a humorous and laid back conversation style. But that isn’t why I’m writing this. I’m writing this to tell you that people kill themselves over this type of shit. People wake up everyday feeling worthless, unwanted, and irrelevant. People try their best to succeed in their endeavors but end up failing, because their genetic lottery failed them. And here you are, making fun of a group of people who you can never even begin to understand, and you will never know what they go through, because when you won the genetic lottery, it gave you more leverage in the invisible social hierarchy that pervades our society. “Well they should work hard to become better men”. No. If you majored in the sciences (not the social sciences), instead of majoring in liberal arts so you could live in paris and write hip articles about the struggles of being a privileged white female, you would understand that much, if not most of our life is predetermined from birth. I’m not asking you to fuck these guys; that’s the last thing I want. I’m asking you to understand that these guys have developed deep psychological issues because of people like you, and having “she’s a derisive bitch about it” on their minds makes it way worse. Don’t fuck them, but don’t be a bitch, and open your mind.

  • Ojinist

     >Sure, he feigns deep, sincere friendship with us in the hope that one day it will magically transmute into a Six Flags-esque day pass to our vaginas, but that’s not enough.

    Why do you entertain people who only feign friendship with you?

    I’ll tell you: because all your interactions are so deceitful, there’s little difference between this and any of the others, and you know it. The only difference is the level of scorn you hold him in and the ineptitude of his performance.

    >Does he listen endlessly to the problems we’ve faced with other guys –

    Before you blame him for listening endlessly, you should consider why you’re capable of spouting off endlessly to begin with. Listening is a passive position, you are the active subject in this dynamic. Take responsibility for that, you immobile specimen of subhumanity.

    >other guys who get access to us romantically not because they’re dicks, but because they are not the human equivalent of a hand-crocheted welcome mat from our grandmother’s house?

    Although you’ve defined the qualities that make him unappetizing, you’ve only defined your romantic partners as being that which is not this hapless friend-zoned fool. “You’re not him” is surely not what drew you to them, so please enumerate their qualities and, once again, we’ll decide whether or not the men in question are of good or bad quality. Nothing can or should preserve you from judgment.

    >He laments the cruelty of the girl whose affection he has yet to win out of relentless servitude and deference, spending his nights on Reddit and 4Chan, explaining his troubles in a veritable echo chamber of “Yeah, man. Girls suck.”

    The more important question is, why do you allow this poor, spiritually decrepit specimen to continue to languish under your self-confessedly tyrannical command? Why do you not set the poor beast free? Why, if you hold him in such evident contempt, do you allow the preening courtier to stay by your side?

    Because, I claim, just as his complaints on Reddit and 4chan contend, you really ARE a massive cunt.

    >He is strong, our new Emperor, steadfast in his determination to treat us like some strange amalgam of a fairy-tale princess and 5-year-old girl.

    And yet this illusion could be broken if only you would introduce him unambiguously to your true nature, which you choose instead to reveal only to sympathetic readers of your articles. I would advise you to link this cringing peasant to this article if his presence really is such a despicable menace. Then perhaps he can begin to regain some of the dignity which you see as lacking in his life. Will you do this?

    I’ll wait.
    I expect I’ll wait a long time.

    >He won’t stop until we eventually cave and sleep with him once, only to regret it immensely the second we realize we’re actually going through with it, or the friendship dissolves out of our inability to maintain “bff” status with someone who is perpetually trying to lick our face.

    I’m sorry, I’ve gone beyond the point of trying to be articulate:

    WHY DO YOU HAVE HIM AROUND THEN?!

    YOU ARE NOT A PARALYZED, THOUGHTLESS SLUG.

    YOU CHOOSE THE PEOPLE YOU SPEND TIME WITH.

    IF HIS PRESENCE IS SUCH AN IMPOSITION, CUT THE POOR FUCKER LOOSE, YOU SNIDE LITTLE HOOKER.

    You won’t, though, because this abusive little dynamic is pleasurable to you. This article you’ve written is not an article of protest, a symbol of your desire to rid yourself of this human annoyance, it’s simply another manifestation of an exploitative, sado-masochistic dynamic which you HAPPILY maintain. This is not a divorce document, it’s simply a mistress applying the whip. If you want rid of him, you know what to do. But you won’t do it. Because you don’t want rid of him. Because the poor servile idiot is fanning your clearly bulbous ego. And you’ll keep him at it, even as you spit in his eye.

    Fucking Pharaoh. Let my people go.

    • asdfjkl

      TL;DR

    • Anonymous

      Evidence that you should never be let out of the friend zone and/or prison.

      • Ojinist

         I ain’t in no friend-zone, bub.

      • Anonymous

        Just prison then. Sweet.

      • Fryingpan

        Jesus fuck, stop being such a mindless cunt and learn to listen to both sides.

        This whole article, and probably you to boot, describes the kind of person that makes me ashamed to be a woman because of all this ridiculous nonsense that you have to feel somehow privileged over men, goading them on, getting their hopes up and treating them like they’re your toys instead of y’know, actual human beings.
        You’re the kind of people that create the kind of men you hate!

      • Anonymous

        Yeaaahh okay. “You’re the kind of people who create the men you hate”?? I don’t hate men. Nor do I ‘create’ anyone. I’m just not big on someone calling an author who they don’t know a cunt and a snide hooker. But I guess because you don’t mind throwing that kind of thing around to strangers yourself, it probably doesnt bother you. You charming, delightful woman. Carry on!

      • Ojinist

         You left out ” immobile specimen of subhumanity”.

        That one had a nice rhythm to it, I thought.

      • Anonymous

        Check your ‘bulbous ego’ Ojinist!

      • Ojinist

         Hey, my ego is entirely in proportion.

        That is to say it’s huge.

      • Sam stone

        Oh god shut up, you absolute dick.  You don’t even know that this person was a woman.  They didn’t make any statement to suggest that.  They were just pointing out that Ojinist was too aggressive.  As are you.  People like you should be kept in a cage.

  • Julia Farnsworth

    You are a loathesome foul being.
    The patheticness of a friendzoned parasite is directly proportional to how soul-less and despicable the  fetid host is.

    In short, if you weren’t such an ego tripping horror of a person you wouldn’t be annoyed by a nice person being nice to you.

  • Anonymous

    Wow! You made a lot of people really mad!
    I didn’t even see it coming. Jesus. Good job

  • http://twitter.com/LeelaChrista Miss Navarro

    hahahhahah! loved it girl.. thanks for the read. 

  • EmperorOfFriendzone

    If you choose to maintain a friendship with someone who has clearly stated his/her feelings for you then you shouldn’t expect his feelings just to disappear. It’s not that easy. Maybe those who are less than genuine will continue to look for ”10-17 minutes of sweet, sweet friend poon” but the real ”nice guys” (or girls), who truly care about you, will try their best to make you feel comfortable being friends. Please accept the fact that it is hard. Just because you don’t feel the same or the way we feel makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t mean we’re all jerks because we still care. This article makes me feel like jerk because I find it hard to get over my feelings for someone who friendzoned me.

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