Thought Catalog

8 Things You Should Never Say To A Woman

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We’re not picky, and we’re not hard to get along with, no matter what your men’s magazine research told you. Professors at the Institute Of Turn Off The Blow Dryer While Sports Center Is On are known for their bias, and I contest that we as a gender are pretty chill, overall. There are just a few things that should never, under any circumstances, be said to us — no matter how much you may want to. Trust me.

1. “Calm down about [insert flawless male celebrity here].”

Look. I know that, for many men, opening up a tab and hopping over to RedTube for a few minutes of extreme close-up thrusting is all one requires to fulfill the “imaginary love life I have with strangers” quota for the day. Unfortunately for many women, just the act itself is not going to make our day end on a high note. If I could just look at a picture of a penis and be like, “Okay, that’s it, I’m good for the day,” do you think I wouldn’t do just that?!?! Of course I would! Do you think watching hours of interviews with Benedict Cumberbatch, Ryan Gosling, Robert Sheehan, or Anderson Cooper and creating entire imaginary relationships based on what we think this person is like in real life is our first choice? No. But if we love a male celebrity, and I mean really love him to the point just under “5-year restraining order,” just looking at an out-of-context picture of the man’s crotch outline is not going to cut it. We need to learn all about him, and find every last picture, video clip, and GIF that Tumblr has to offer to satisfy that need. Why? Because if God didn’t intend for us to do this, he would not have made David Tennant look like a golden unicorn.

2. “Why are you worried about summer? You look fine.”

I know that the intent behind this one is good. I know, I know. I believe that you love us and are quite happy with our bodies just the way they are, and don’t need us to conform to some incredibly tough standard of beauty set out by a media determined to keep us constantly feeling less-than. I get that. But we’re not looking to turn into Kate Moss by the time June rolls around, we’d just like to maybe feel a touch healthier and less like a roly-poly you’ve just poked with a stick before we go lay on the beach. Essentially, we’ve been hibernating the entire winter, watching Netflix and drinking hot chocolate. Let’s be honest, we probably ordered a few pizzas here and there. But damn, it was cold, and workouts are just no fun. So, long story short, we’re probably not super pumped about our waistlines right now and know that, in T-minus a month or so, are going to be expected to parade it around like it’s on liquidation sale. And there’s always this feeling when you get to the beach, and are surrounded by people — male and female — who look like they just burst out of a gym and did back handsprings onto the boardwalk, like you’re the only person who didn’t get the memo and are still carrying around about two tubes of cookie dough on your hips. If your girlfriend is trying to get in a little shape for summer, don’t make her feel stupid for doing it. Sh-t is stressful already. Support her, and maybe get her a pair of cute yoga pants.

3. “Are you listening to the A-Teens? What the hell is wrong with you?”

The day I have to stop listening to terrible, late-nineties to early-2000s pop where everyone dressed in matching cut-off shirts with rhinestones on their belly buttons and bleached, spiked hair is the day I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. My iPod will have every manner of obscure, complex, thoughtful music you could possibly imagine, from every genre you’ve ever heard of and ones you haven’t yet, but there will always be room for S Club 7. And when I am driving down the street, bopping back and forth to one of my vintage Now! CDs with a couple of girlfriends, I can say I know what true happiness is. Don’t be jealous because you’ll never get that pure joy. Jealousy is ugly.

4. “I don’t know. Whichever.”

Let me save everyone in the world a little bit of trouble here and say that when you are out shopping with a girl, or getting ready for an event with her, or in a position where she wants your preference between the dusty mauve knee-length cocktail dress and the light maroon a-line day dress, just pick one. Yeah, for all intents and purposes, they look exactly the same, and truth be told she probably already knows which one she prefers herself, but just the idea of choice is all it really takes here. We just want the illusion of a preference, if anything. And of course, if there is an actual difference between the two and one looks markedly better, please tell. But in the absence of a logical choice, just give it your best guess. On that note, I was recently in a store browsing with a male friend, picking out a dress for an event that evening. I was choosing between two dresses that, even by my discerning eye, were pretty much the exact same thing. After a quick turnaround in both of them, he said, “The second, definitely. It fits better in the waist, looks tailored.” I could have kissed him. Just…how little effort that took, but how very appreciated it was. I’m not asking you to turn into a Bravo reality show and start redecorating street lamps as you walk to the bus stop, but a little aesthetic preference every now and again goes a long way.

5. “Will you shut up about Nutella already? It’s just chocolate-flavored peanut butter.”

Lol, get out of my house.

6. “Why do you spend so much money on beauty products?”

First of all, I am a big girl and can spend my money on whatever I choose. If it happens to be a facial cream that smells like happiness and makes me retain moisture on even the most humidity-deprived day, that is my prerogative. I don’t judge you for your purchases, don’t judge me for mine. That being said, all of those glorious women you see in those ads, those magazines, those TV shows, that high-budget porn? Aside from about three Intro To Graphic Design courses’ worth of Photoshop, they’re all wearing makeup. Subtle makeup, nicely applied makeup, but makeup nonetheless. What do you think women look like if they just wash their face with a bar of soap and let it air dry, nary a drop of lotion or wisp of concealer? They look like a bridge troll hobbling out to ask you his questions three before you can walk across. Soft skin, shiny hair, upward-flipping eyleashes, supple lips, rosy cheeks, and well-shaped eyebrows do not just magically appear on one’s face. It is something that every woman must cultivate, and maintain, based on her own complexion, oil levels, and desired effect. You may not like that the one serum that works well to maintain our hairstyle costs 30 dollars a bottle, but you would probably not appreciate it if we walked around looking like we stuck a fork in an electrical socket ten minutes before walking out the door. Let us do our thing in peace.

7. “Who needs so many pictures of themselves?”

Let me explain to you how the internet works, as you are clearly uninitiated. So-called “friends and family” are able to, at will, put up pictures of you on any and all social media platforms, in which you are likely to be mid-chew, ugly laughing, or leaning back and unintentionally giving yourself four new chins. Because we all secretly hate each other, we are liable to put these photos out for the world to see, tagged in their full glory with your name. Now, we can’t have people thinking we look like Quasimodo all the time. We need some awesome pictures to balance that out, and if we have to take 72 self-portraits while holding a cat in Photobooth to get that perfect angle, so be it. Our profile pictures can be this deceptively photogenic person whose room is clean, shirt is ironed, and life is generally in order. It’ll brace the viewer for their eventual spelunking through album after album of us looking as bogus and disheveled as possible. It’s only fair. Taking pictures of oneself is awesome, and in an age where we’re expected to reveal all to any stranger that wants to click on our name, it’s rude to expect that we wouldn’t want to put our best digital foot forward. This isn’t Myspace. Get it together.

8. “Cum”

Anyone who, under any circumstances, interjects that word — that abomination of a spelling — into civil discourse, should be met with no less than the death penalty. If you tell a woman she should “cum over later,” you are doing the linguistic equivalent of licking the side of her face during a good night kiss. In fact, just seeing it written down makes me feel like I’m covered in a thin film of grime. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a bath. TC mark

image – Shutterstock

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    • stab

      This sucks; “all women care about clothes/their weight/how they look”. Good work Chelsea. – A straight, white male.

    • Chelsea lee

      number 5 is solid gold

    • Anon

      All true, although it is “Cumberbatch”, not “Cumberpatch”. (I nearly screamed)

      • Anonymous

        Ack!!! Forgive me, ladies. :/

    • Nishant

      “I contest that we as a gender are pretty chill, overall”
      Oh man, that is not easy to believe AT ALL.

      • Guestropod

        not a very chill response bro

      • Guestropod

        not a very chill response, bro

        • Nishant

          Sigh. My 24 years of existence on this planet have only taught me utter helplessness when faced with situations in #6 and #7. What can I say?

        • Guestropod

          look man, I got my last haircut from a kitchen knife while drunk, so I don’t really get it either, but I think the point is that you do not say these things to prevent a situation from happening in the first place

          then you will know peace

        • Nishant

          hey, same thing! except stoned. not a good result then either… :

          but yes, i get your point. peace.

        • Nishant

          and hey, thats such a MLIB comment that it’s tough for me to NOT reply with a “sandwich” joke. :P

    • Guest

      “8 things you should never say to a white, heterosexual, upper middle class, suburban, culturally mainstream woman”

      fixed

      • HEAR ME ROAR

        YEAH CHELSEA SHUT UP YOU HETERONORMATIVE CISGENDER CRUSADER

      • Interneter

        Get off your high horse… *eye roll*

      • Anonymous

        Are you suggesting that only white, heterosexual, upper middle class, suburban, culturally mainstream women care about how they look?

        Are you sure you’re not the closed-minded one here?

    • Guest

      ALL TRUE. And of course David Tennant is a golden unicorn. <3

    • Rishtopher

      lol, Nutella is made of hazelnut. Yeah, #5 was the best.

    • Brononymous

      8 Things You Should Never Say to a Princess

    • Amanda

      #5 – FACT.

    • Michaelwg

      “We’re not picky, and we’re not hard to get along with, no matter what your men’s magazine research told you”
      So, let’s ignore that your entire article belies the idea that “We’re not picky” and move onto the assumption that all men take their cue from men’s magazines. Some of us (men) actually use the empirical evidence presented during relationships to reach our conclusions. If I were to claim, after examining said evidence, that women are “not hard to get along with,” well that would be the equivalent of denying gravity’s existence.

      • Guestropod

        women are just bros, we’re all just bros… 

        • Pepper

           ladybros

        • Guestropod

          ladybros are my favorite bros

      • Guestropod

        also, interesting that your empirical evidence based conclusion is obviously ‘women are hard to get along with’ and not ‘men are hard to get along with’ or ‘I am hard to get along with’

        • Michaelwg

          Exactly! So when that evidence actually presents itself I will of course reach a new conclusion. Science!

        • Guestropod

          the evidence has already presented itself brah, you seem difficult to get along with

          I’m a stranger on the internet, I know these things

    • Nishant

      I don’t understand why an author, knowing well that his/her opinions and experiences are personal and probably does not apply to most other men/women, would still go ahead and name an article as generically as this one is named. Especially, when it’s filled only with personal experiences and personal choices in music/men/food.

      I like the article, I just don’t think the title is at all accurate.

      • Guest

        My thoughts exactly.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9383035 Scott Muska

      BRB reintroducing myself to the A-Teens.

    • Guest

      Chelsea always makes being a woman sound like straight-up hell. It must be a gift.

    • Rohaina

      Lol. This is awesome! I laughed a lot. I love it and its very true. We just want someone to go along with us and our weird antics… Just as any man does too. Something we’re ALL guilty of.

    • Rachel

      chelsea fagan is shit

    • guest

      chelsea fagan degrades her own sex? really? who would have guessed?

      • Guestropod

        I bet she’s doing lines off the patriarchy right now

        • Anonymous

          Probably my favorite comment of all time.

        • Guestropod

          yessssss… I am a golden god

        • Anonymous

          I just read wayyyy too much of your comment history and I kind of want to be your best friend now. Did the awkward turtle hand gesture die out in 2005 or can I still use it here?

        • Guestropod

          Awkward turtle is timeless!

    • Anonymous

      Honestly, I didn’t relate to any of these “facts”. I don’t have a weird relationship with Nutella, and I don’t go crazy about A-teens lol. Maybe I’m just surrounded by sweet guys. 

    • Anonymous

      So that’s it, even though you know a certain thing a guy said meant well, you’ll still get all pissed off because it’s not exactly what you wanted to hear.  Grow up.

      • hrfe

        Relationships are supposed to be honest, so if I told a guy he isn’t really that big I would’ve “meant well”. Does that mean I should do it?

    • shannon

      oh god, when #8 (i can’t even type it) is said as a command, i pretty much shut down, become asexual and can think nothing except, “YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME, SIR.” 

      • Guestropod

        ahahahahahaha me too

        I’m not good with pressure =

    • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com/ Maxwell Chance

      Going to comment before I really start reading the meat of this article: 

      “We’re not picky, and we’re not hard to get along with, no matter what your men’s magazine research told you.  ”

      Incorrect.

      • http://dirtyyoungmen.wordpress.com/ Maxwell Chance

        Commenting after I read the article:

        Proved my first comment’s point. 

        Also, 
        “What do you think women look like if they just wash their face with a bar of soap and let it air dry, nary a drop of lotion or wisp of concealer? They look like a bridge troll hobbling out to ask you his questions three before you can walk across. ”
        Hilarious. 

        • Nishant

          If that line above is true, I haven’t complimented my girlfriend enough for how naturally beautiful she is. Texting her RIGHT NOW.

    • Mikey

      Jeeze, guys, harsh much? I personally (since I don’t talk to women romantically) found that I could expand it to people in general. the title wasn’t “too vague” at all.

      1: I know I don’t like being deflated when I’m talking about how beautiful [some actress] looks in a dress, or how absolutely stunning [actor] looks without a shirt. and I’m sure you guys don’t like being shot down about your possible celebrity-type either.

      2: You go to the gym. we all work out somehow, or we all do something to get ready for that season where people ogle us. like she said, the sentiment is appreciated, but don’t tell me what to do.

      3: We all have our guilty listening pleasures. we all also have listening pleasures we should be guilty about but aren’t. I’ll leave Britney alone when you give me back my Christina, thank you.

      4: help me make up my mind, god F—ing dammit! this has happened to me too often. Me: “What/where do you want to do/go?” Other Person: “I dunno you choose somethin’.” boy, I’m askin’ you ’cause I don’t know!

      5: seriously, out of my house.

      6: because that stuff’s expensive.
      7: self-explanatory.8: humans should agree with this one. seriously, please and thank you, never let me see you type that. leave it to the porn ads.

    • Erik

      1 Thing You Should Never Say to a Man (Regardless of Whether You Are a Man or a Woman)

      1. Women are pretty much exactly like every awful stereotype that you’ve ever heard about women. Trust me.

    • hannah w

      ain’t no party like an s club party.

      • Melissa

        that was really funny, and i think you were probably referring to the A Teens thing, but unfortunately i’m able to correct you and say those lyrics are actually from an “S Club 7” song.

        • Anonymous

           The author references S Club 7 in the paragraph.

    • Karen

      Hahahaha the makeup/ troll thing. I laughed out loud uncontrollably in a public place. It’s true. Let us buy our products in peace!

    • letswatchweirdvideosonyoutube

      honest questions: am i the only person in their 20s who doesn’t have a facebook?
      am i missing out? it seems like a fucking pain

      • Jake

        tell us more about how you don’t have a facebook, i’m sure those you interact with on a daily basis know all about it

      • Sdjfsbd

        no, there are many out there like you. re missing out, i would say that it depends on the people you know and how interested you are in knowing almost everything  -everything vapid- about them. it also depends on whether you care about your public persona and on the size of your insecurities/ego.

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