I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor- If you are in a happy relationship, if you are falling in love, if you are in the heady days of infatuation — get the hell off the dance floor. This is not for you. You need to take all of your emotional comfort and sexual satisfaction and get it out of our face. This song is for those of us who have been through the wringer, have read Thought Catalog articles about breaking up until our eyes bled, and are now coming through the other side. This is the song that will make you wish you had someone to hate, and if you don’t, you are not welcome to the club. If you wanna get in on this magic, you call that significant other right now and you tell them that it’s over and you don’t even need them anymore. Now. Here’s your phone.
Thriller, Michael Jackson- How much of the dance do you know? Three steps, and then the arms-up back-and-forth thing? Perfect! That is one hundred percent of what you need to know to get a round of this started in the middle of the dance floor. With those few opening notes, you know exactly whose time it is to shine. You set your drink down somewhere, you make your way to the floor, and you bust out about 20 percent of the actual choreography, combined with a lot of wiggling and looking awkwardly around you to see what everyone else is doing. Sure, you may look a little ridiculous in the moment, but getting out there to Michael Jackson is never a bad decision. No regrets, man, do your dance.
Gimme More, Britney Spears- From the coy opening of, “It’s Britney, bitch,” to the very last note, this is a song to get your disgusting, embarrassing, sweaty grind on to. You, in the corner, up against the wall with the guy in the wifebeater — you do you. Make the duckface, swing your stringy hair back and forth, and don’t even worry about the mascara starting to smear all over your eyes like a drunk panda. You are sexy, cute, and every other adjective that Britney herself has ever embodied. Now is the time to let yourself get a little crazy with one of Brit’s horrendous extension-era gems. Essentially, this song is Ke$ha with its underwear still on, and you should live up to it. You’ve earned it, be a little trashy.
Single Ladies, Beyonce- This is actually the song in which you’re legally allowed to kill your cute friend who just got engaged. Someone put a ring on it, and therefore she needs to be run out of the village on a stake while you throw tomatoes at her. This is the song where you’re feeling sorry for yourself, but you’re wayyyy too drunk to coherently think about why, so you just stand in a circle and flail your hand back and forth as you scream along. Ooh, he made a mistake leaving you, girl, and watching you knock back Long Islands with your eyes closed as you quasi-twerk on the dance floor is going to teach him the folly of his decisions. Show him what he missed, with the help of Beyonce.
Baby Got Back, Sir Mix A Lot- It does not matter if your ass is so flat it’s essentially concave, and even skinny jeans billow around you like Gone With the Wind-era curtains, this is your song, too. For this song, we are all a part of the club, and we’re all going to tell off Becky and her judgmental friend with this ode to the few extra pounds we’ve been holding onto since Christmas. Let’s be honest, everyone needs to feel sexy once in a while, and this song is like injecting a hypodermic needle full of confidence and sex appeal into anyone’s arm, especially after a few Tequila Sunrises. “36-24-36? Ha, only if she’s 5’3”.” Truer words have never been spoken.