Just Eat The Damn Donut, Ladies

I’m a young woman who, like many young women, enjoys a good carb every now and again. If said carb is deep-fried and covered in a sugary glaze, all the better. There are few pleasures in this world that are as direct and as pure as eating a copious, freshly-made dessert. And everything from hot chocolate to Nutella to cupcakes to ice cream to the aforementioned donuts are the kinds of things we should absolutely treat ourselves to once in a while. Imagine a life without an eclair every now and again — it’s a bleak and desolate picture. It’s a fate I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. We should enjoy our sugary treats for all they’re worth.

The idea that something so simply perfect could become so bastardized is a tough one to believe, for sure. But it seems that even the eating of a fresh-baked cream puff is not sacred — and there are people who want to sully its purity by falsely justifying their indulgence. And if I have to sit through one more soliloquy delivered by some girl who is clearly enjoying the pants off of her cookie dough milkshake but feels the need to explain this dessert to the world — and her friends, no less — I’m going to go crazy. We all know the running commentary:

“Oh my god, I totally never eat this stuff, it’s so out of character for me to have sweets like this — really I’m not even a sweets person.”

“Well, good thing I’ve only had a tiny little salad and ice water today. I really shouldn’t be so naughty like this!”

“There is someone standing behind me with a gun and they told me that if I did not drink this entire cookie dough milkshake that they would find and kill everyone I’ve ever loved. I can’t live with that guilt *slurp slurp slurp*”

No one is fooled. No one is fooled. We all know that, like the rest of us, you are on the verge of orgasm over the fact that not only is there whipped cream on your dessert, but it’s that really super-thick kind that you can eat with a spoon like it’s ice cream. We know the distinct pleasure this brings — don’t sully it with your shamed commentary. There’s no need! Indulging in a dessert like this needs to be put on the highest of pedestals, enjoyed to its fullest potential. We need to stop acting like this is some tortured love story. This is not The Bridges of Madison Donut. Life will go on after this.

There are even those that go so far as to deliver the exact same speech about how they are “not a dessert person” every single time they take a bite of a cookie. Who are they convincing?! We all love cookies! They were created by scientists to sabotage Monsanto and regulate the bathing-suit industry. We know this. This is common knowledge. Open a book, and stop trying to deny history.

And if you really are that tortured about eating the dessert, if you are really that incapable of fully enjoying it, then don’t eat it. But the last thing we as a society need is more perfectly healthy, reasonable girls talking about how they are gonna get “soooo fat” from eating one chocolate-covered Oreo which they “totally never do, ever.” We do not need to participate in this worldwide conspiracy of pretending like it’s so incredibly unnatural for us to be enjoying this brownie. If one of us drops the facade, we can all do it, I’m sure.

Scream it from the rooftops, you ordered that Thunder From Down Under without a trace of irony, and you would cut your best friend’s spoon hand off for the whipped cream. TC mark

image – Bob

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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  • guest

    Chelsea Fagan’s articles seem to always have this biting, angry undertone that rubs me the wrong way. I think maybe it’s because they so often outwardly criticize women in a tone that comes off as misogynistic. 

    • guestie

      calm down

    • Anonymous

      I mean, not all women. Just the shitty ones.

    • Anonymous

      You must be new here.

  • Sam

    Typo: “not only is there whipped cream on your desert, but it’s that really super-thick kind that you can eat with a spoon like it’s ice cream.” “Dessert” not “desert.”

    • guestie

      who cares? is that seriously all you gathered from this article?

  • Oliver Miller

    GIRLS B’ EATIN’.

    • Domino

      fAtty 4 lYf lOlz

  • Anonymous

    i 110% agree with this!! although the above commenters apparently never deal with this, I do and I can tell you that not only is it supremely annoying, it also ruins my enjoyment of the sweet treats. girls need to STFU and either eat it or don’t – all this guilt/shame associated with food is so annoying. 

  • Anonymous

    What is this thunder from down under you mentioned and where can I get one?

    • Anonymous

      just consume copious amounts of dairy?

    • Taylor

      It’s a dessert at Outback Steakhouse,  I think.

      • http://nonegenuine.blogspot.com/ Scott

         bloomin onion.

  • Christine

    THANK YOU. I hate having to make an excuse for eating a cookie. Girls be trippin, know what I mean?

  • http://twitter.com/SoosSahar Sahar Soos

    I regularly sell my soul for kirspy kreme’s original glazed donuts… and thank god none of my friends do this guilt thing when we have desserts! 

  • Anonymous

    I think you used the word “copious” wrongly.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jillian-Greuber/25829031 Jillian Greuber

    Would totally give anything right now to have a fresh Krispy Creme Donut or Choc. Chip Cookie Dough Milkshake….sadly…EXTREMELY difficult to get in China!! :-( And anytime I find good chocolate I enjoy it too the last bite! No guilt here!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jillian-Greuber/25829031 Jillian Greuber

    btw I like the style of writing…minus some typos but that’s cool. :-) I caught myself smiling when I was reading it. I liked the sardonic tone…but hey maybe that’s just me.

  • Skinnypignyc

    Ahh this is great. It’s like…just shut up and savor it. No one wants commentary with their carbs. 

  • guest

    Let them be. Let them be skinny. Let them feel fat despite being in a good shape. Let them feel guilty about every bite of their cookies. You seem to write about this topic incessantly but not everyone is as confident and happy as you’re handling(which is awesome by the way) if they are not skinny.

  • Guestropod

    None of my friends do this but everyone I work with does.  And my mother and her friends.  And my grandmother and all my aunts and my one cousin.  Anyway, I really really want a linzer torte this morning, what’s up with that

    • Guestropod

      Ditto my uncle who is on an extreme diet so he can die of tuberculosis in a play, as if anyone is actually going to see the play and think ‘that one guy just did not look gaunt enough, I did not buy him as dying’

  • Youresoproudofyourselfitscute

    I feel like I know girls who are legit not dessert people (but would eat their weight in pork rinds or nachos).

    I also know guys who are like this. Straight guys. They say they’re not dessert people (but weirdly crave Ben & Jerry’s when drunk?). No one writes articles like this about them though. Weird?

    • victoria elliott

      LADIES ARE THE ONLY DIVAS

    • Jenny

      i’m definitely one of those girls who’s a legit non-dessert person, but could eat a ton of popcorn, nachos, and chips. rarely do i ever crave/eat dessert. 

      as for the actual article, i loved it. there are so many girls who feel they need to justify their food choices. just accept it and eat it! if you feel bad, then don’t eat it. don’t make excuses for your lack of self-control. and men do that, too. 

  • Asdf

    New entry into rules of etiquette along the lines of  “Chew with your mouth closed”: “Keep your rationalisations inside.” Properly doing both of these allows us all to enjoy our own guilty pleasures.

  • http://stepandfall.blogspot.com/ Lu Han

    This makes me regret not eating that delicious cup cake I received today. All because I didn’t want to need to go for a run after. I mean … one cupcake wouldn’t have killed me. 

  • Samantha

    I wish I liked cookies. Or cake. Or donuts. Beats the hell out of being a caffeine addict, but at least that is socially sanctioned!

  • beatrice

    I don’t understand girls who do that. I mean I personally just tell my friends that I was on a diet but I like my krispy kreme more

  • http://twitter.com/hereticaneue Heretica Neue

    Thank you so much for writing this! I very much mirror your sentiments. And every time I indulge in a delicious dessert, I always make sure to let the onlookers (those afraid to truly indulge) know how frickin amazing it is.

    I’m also tired of seeing donuts and muffins with little pieces cut out of them, because the eaters are scared to consume a whole one. _Just eat the damn donut, ladies._ Seriously, I want to say this to them every time.

    Whew!

  • Sophia

    Can you please just write a how-to guide for the female population? Thanks.

  • Anna

    Oh gawd, that vanilla sprinkled donut in the picture looks so good!

  • dorito orgasmer

    I love deserts! But when I eat cake, in all honesty I don’t like the frosting and always let someone else have it unless it is chocolate or some other kind I can’t think of the name of…but I really am not a big fan of sweet things. I mean I apologize and everything but it is true… My innndulgence is doritos.

  • Itsme

    Um, but then there are women like me who genuinely are not big dessert people. There are desserts that I love and can’t resist like creme brulee or pana cotta, but for the most part I’m pretty blah on desserts. Give me a juicy steak or a heaping bowl of pasta any day of the week. Oh, I’m so the kind of girl who would ever just eat a salad; I just really am not a big sweets person.

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