I Want To Kill Anthony Bourdain And Steal His Life

It’s not fair. It’s just not fair. There should be some kind of system set up where you have to choose between the following:

  • Be a chef at an incredible Manhattan restaurant
  • Be an acclaimed author
  • Host several TV shows and guest star on others
  • Travel the world and eat some of the most delicious food in existence
  • Be BFFs with Joel Robuchon
  • Be hilarious

Because to have all of them simultaneously, or even at varying times in your life, seems just far too embarrassing for the rest of us. How is it that one man managed to go from doing hard drugs and washing dishes with his hair down to his butt cheeks to essentially being the Crown Prince of all things travel and food? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have nothing but respect for him — but it just seems such an astronomical rise one wonders if he didn’t sign a flaming contract with the devil at some point along the road.

Everywhere he goes, he just has this amazing ease and wit about him that makes you feel like you’re right there next to him, eating fresh warthog rectum in Namibia. Granted, he doesn’t always get the most delicious welcomes wherever he goes, but even watching him suffer through a food you can tell he thinks is grotesque is somehow charming. He makes the most out of every situation, and brings a little humor and levity to it. Then he sits down with Eric Ripert and Joel Robuchon for a huge meal and several vineyards’ worth of wine and you’re just like, “Damn, bro. Damn.”

And it makes everything infinitely more wonderful when you realize just how humble, open, and appreciative he is of everything he does and all he is given. No one is more polite with their hosts, respectful of other cultures, or eager to learn and try new things. Is there anything we couldn’t learn from Lord Bourdain’s subtle, hilarious manner? I think not. And even if someone would dislike his rather acerbic delivery or brutal honesty, you must at least admit that the man is consistent and thoroughly himself — something about as rare on television as a plus-size celebrity receiving a compliment that doesn’t feel extracted with pliers.

He also seems, it must be said, firmly planted on the ground — something most of his equally famous counterparts can’t claim. When you see him in interviews, or on other shows, he always has an incredibly reasonable, honest way of answering questions and observing things. You get the feeling that he is an actual human being with feelings and opinions, which can be upsetting for someone who has more than one show on the Travel channel.

The point is, Anthony is getting to live the life that science and all objective reasoning want to convince us is impossible. He travels the world, gets drunk, eats incredible food, stays svelte, meets amazing people, and rides the occasional elephant. He is living the dream, in every sense of the word. And yes, sometimes, as the title states, I am tempted to vampire him and suck the life force out through his neck — it’s true. But, most of the time, I’m comfortable eating ice cream on my couch as I live vicariously through the salt-and-pepper haired cursing man on the television, enjoying the fact that, culturally speaking, there is at least one solid American nemesis to Rachel Ray. TC mark

image – lwpkommunikacio

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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  • A.

    you forgot to mention his really trendy drug addictions 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      he went to rehab, come on 

  • Anonymous

    living vicariously through Lord Bourdain is my fave past time. & when the ever amazing ZAMIR is his sidekick, I’m hooked. 

    good read! keep it up Chelsea. 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    a perfect rachel ray ending

  • Ldbxb

    Only thing that irks me about him is his constant deprication of the tourists wherever he goes. Wtf does he think he is??

    Don’t answer that, I know exactly what he thinks he is.

    • http://twitter.com/mme_gawks_a_lot Puss n Boots

      that would be because most American tourists act like complete and utter douchebags while abroad, leaving the rest of us apologizing and trying to make up for their idiotic behavior. 

  • Guest

    Chelsea Fagan WOULD idolize a dick like Bourdain. Of course.

  • Clover

    I love Anthony Bourdain, Id tap that lol

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    Really? I’ve only seen a couple episodes of his show but, to me, he comes off like a pretentious douchebag.

  • lisa

     i wish he took me along on christmas eve when ottavia “kicked him out” i adore him and i do agree that he comes off like a pretentious douchebag, but i so so so want to hang with him and dine with him and laugh with him.  i dig his books, too.

  • Zimmerman Wishes

    Haters be gone. This man is the king of cool. Good job Miss Fagan; I’m right there with ya.

  • Stephanie

    I would marry Bordain if I could. Great piece.

  • http://lifeasacynic.blogspot.com/ synical

    I give the man props for diving into durian with such gusto on camera – something Zimmern never embraced.

  • Holla

    i envy you bourdain, i envy you.

  • Max

    Chelsea, if you somehow figure out a way to superimpose your life over his before me, I will unceremoniously take your head off at the jugular.

    Side note, HIS DAUGHTER IS ADORABLE.

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  • http://twitter.com/gypzAndy AndreaCarmona

    Agreed. I want to steal his life. Or join him at least. I could be his trusty sidekick!

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