Husband Material, Vol. 6: Armie Hammer
By Thoughtis
What do you think of when you think of the All-American look? Is it a fresh-faced, eager young man with strong shoulders, big eyes, and a smile that makes you feel there is still a little bit of hope for humanity? Good, because we have found that prototype. We have found the man that seems to be made entirely out of Ralph Lauren ads, sailing competitions, and a smooth baritone voice: Armie Hammer. And though part of his charm may stem from the fact that we were first introduced to him as a set of twins in The Social Network (“I’m 6’5?, 220 lbs, and there’s two of me.” Indeed, good sir), we can rest assured that Armie will continue to be prime Husband Material, no matter what role he takes on.
Name: Armie Hammer
Age: 25
Occupation: Actor, charmer, convincer of the world that the Winklevoss twins were actually good looking (when in reality, they are kind of scary and still dress in matching outfits in their thirties).
Description: With the name of a WWII-era porn star and the charm of an old-Hollywood leading man, Armie essentially travels the world, reminding women everywhere to settle for nothing less than the perfect gentleman. Though he is married now (ugh, God, ugh), we can at least take from the admiration and sweetness with which he talks about his bride that he, above all, respects his ladies. And with the face of a prep-school Adonis, there are few people from whom it’s more appealing to hear such old-school chivalry. Oh, yes, and he also acts. Quite well, it must be said. In fact, Google him as “Prince Andrew.” You’re welcome.
Benefits to Marriage: You’ll most certainly be the envy of every girl at the country club, golf course, regatta, tennis championship, and wherever else people who look like him hang out. You’re essentially marrying into American royalty, as Armie sort of looks like what we all hoped Prince William would grow up to look like, judging on how cute he used to be when he was young — before his face kind of took a potato-esque shape, his hair abdicated, and Harry overthrew him as The Hot One. It was like Hamlet, honestly. But I digress.
Drawbacks: None, unless you count an overwhelming, unyielding feeling of complete inadequacy compared to your partner as being a problem — which I don’t.
You Must Be: Literally perfect in every way, handy at tennis, knowledgeable of various madras prints and the current roster of top polo players.
The Dowry Armie Brings: 1,000 hectares of land ready to be converted into a private golf course, 90 alpaca for year-round production of lush, warm sweaters, access to the most abundant well in the village, and the promise of blue-blooded children.