I’m not ashamed to admit (well, only slightly ashamed, but mostly annoyed and flabbergasted) that I am a virgin. At the age of 24, I am a full-fledged, only-been-kissed-three-times, never-seen-a-penis-in-real-life virgin. It’s annoying. By this time in my life, I was hoping to have at least one pregnancy scare, three drunken hook-ups and a handful of dance floor make out seshes. After all, I am a lady. It’s also flabbergasting because I’m one cute girl with a great sense of humor. One thing I didn’t find funny was when my older friend (who doesn’t know about my situation) was explaining that one of her friends was a virgin and had no chance of getting into a relationship because she is a virgin. All of my hope disappeared. So, here are my questions. Are boys seriously not going to want to be in a relationship with me because I’m a virgin? Am I going to be a virgin forever? and How can it be that I am still a virgin even though I’m a beautiful human specimen with an above average IQ and funnier than an episode of SNL (the Jimmy Fallon era, obviously)?
21st Century Mary
Well, let me start off by saying that no matter how much you think you want a pregnancy scare, you absolutely do not. They’re called pregnancy scares and not pregnancy carnivals for a reason. They are terrifying and extraordinarily unpleasant. If you can count at least one sure thing amongst the positive side effects of your virginity — that would definitely be one. And on to your question of whether or not you’re going to be stuck being a virgin, absolutely not. Not if you don’t want to. Clearly we live in a fast-paced modern society that doesn’t exactly look kindly upon people who take their virginity into their mid-twenties and beyond (though men undoubtedly get more crap for it, it’s got a certain stigma for everyone), but that doesn’t mean everyone holds those beliefs. There are plenty of people who would be perfectly accepting of your virginity, and who would accept your reasons for choosing to stay that way, whatever they may be. However, since you said that you had hoped you’d have a few drunken hookups under your belt by now, I feel you have a few options for how you want to go about losing it.
If you just want to get rid of your virginity and move on with your life so it’s no longer hanging over your head, you could just go the one-night-stand route and get it over with. You don’t have to tell the guy you’re a virgin if you don’t want to and you can just enjoy it for what it is. I personally didn’t choose this option, but I know many people who have and have said it completely got them over the weird “building it up in their head” thing that was going on. So that’s an option. You could also, of course, construct an actual relationship with someone and lose your virginity that way. If you’re having trouble meeting people because you think your virginity may be a hindrance, I’d suggest online dating. You get a wider spectrum of people to choose from, and the pressure is much, much lower. You can find five dates in a single week if you so choose and not feel obligated to fall in love right away. Often people turn to online dating because they’re frustrated with the birdbath-shallow pool of prospects to be found at bars — often for reasons similar to yours. I think it might broaden your horizons in that way.
In the end, there are many wonderful guys out there who won’t care if you’re a virgin — who will love you for you and want to help you feel comfortable initiating a sexual relationship. It’s just a question of finding them if you want to, and widening your field of options never hurt anyone. Good luck, and don’t stress over it.
For the past 18 months, I have been in love with my best friend. (Classic, I know.) He’s charmingly nerdy and debilitatingly shy but completely lovable, nonetheless. I’m certainly his best friend too, but I can’t help but feel the electric chemistry between us. Being a girl, and a self-proclaimed princess myself, I’m more likely to amputate my left leg than make the first move. Sometimes I get the hint that he might be into me too, but he’s never made it crystal clear. How do I open his eyes while maintaining my subtlety?
ARE YOU ME!?! ARE YOU ME?!?! Because this is who I am in a nutshell. No one loves themselves a shy, charmingly nerdy, but completely lovable boy more than I do. They are, I’ve always found, the absolute best kind of person to date. They’re fun, respectful, intelligent, interesting, loving, and usually end up being the people who run society and invent Windows, if history has taught us anything. Anyway, I couldn’t be more supportive of your choice in this matter. And bonus points for the fact that he’s your best friend and shy/nerdy, yet hasn’t slipped into needy “Nice Guy” mode. That’s where you know you truly have a winner.
If I had to guess, you’re probably right about the electric chemistry. He probably just doesn’t think you’d go for him. This is where you go over to eBay and pick yourself up a spine (made out of titanium, if possible, don’t want to have to replace it every 2 years). You put that thing in, you straighten up, and you tell him that you’re into him. Tell him how you’ve been feeling, and how attractive you find him. Don’t leave anything to interpretation, because it may put you guys back into this “do-we-or-don’t-we” limbo that we all know is the emotional equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. Do it, do it, do it, and please send me a follow-up email letting me know how it goes. I must know!
I am 18 and dating a great girl (a lesbian couple), we have been dating for about a year, and I go to college next fall for psychology… My girlfriend recently proposed to me, asking me to elope with her and then after college we would have another ceremony for everyone else. I agreed to this, considering I have already made it so I will be closer to her next year. Many people have told me this is a stupid decision, that I am too young, and I need to slow down, or go try to date other people. In my opinion I think it depends on the person. Everyone is different and both of us are the type of people who really don’t feel a need to go looking around for someone else. Everyone thinks they know us, and that we are the typical 18 yr old couple. I would like to know what you think of all this, and if you have any advice, then please give it to us.
Wants to elope!
Guuuuuurl. First of all, you know that if you were as gun-ho about this as you claim to be, you would not be asking a Thought Catalog advice column whether you should be getting married. You would just be doing it, no questions asked. But you are asking because you are intelligent and discerning and realize that, hey, on some level, this is probably a ridiculously bad idea. It could be that everyone in your life is out to get you and giving you bad advice because they hate you and want to see you fail and die alone, or it could be that they have some concern for your decision-making and don’t want to see you a 20-year-old divorcee (I know a few personally, it’s not pretty).
Look, I’m sure you love her. That’s awesome. You’ve made it so you can be closer to her, that’ll make next year easier. But you’ve only been with her a year, you’re 18 years old, and you’re about to start college which, if teen sitcoms have taught us anything, ~*~cHaNgEs EvErYtHiNg~*~. Just relax on the whole marriage thing. (Do you even have the money to be getting married right now? If so, put that money towards your tuition.) You’ll be near her for college, wait and see if this thing stands the test of higher learning on your part, and think about marriage once you’re out and have some semblance of a job. If you guys are that solid, waiting it out for college won’t be a problem.
Be smart. You’re an upcoming college student, come on.