What I Think I Look Like Vs. What I Actually Look Like

Let’s face it, we are incredibly sexy. Everything we do, from walking down the street, to squeezing avocados for ripeness, to watching The Biggest Loser in our Forever Lazies, is incredibly suave and attractive. And no one typifies that general sensuality more than James Bond, Sofia Vergara, and myself. In my mind, I ooze charm and coolness — there is never an occasion in which I’m not a wink and a subtle nod away from going home with seven European male models. In my mind. Unfortunately, from what I can gather — from candid photos, seeing others, and the unforgiving regard of passersby — I may not quite be as hottt as I imagine.

Activity: Listening to a smooth song on my iPod as I saunter down the street
How I Think I Look: Damn. Get it, girl. Work those hips. Yeah, they’re all staring at you. They want it, oh, they want it, but they’ll never get it. Even those gay men, even that fire hydrant by the tree — they all wish they could go home with you, girl. I bet they’re thinking, “What sexy-ass song is that girl listening to that’s making her hips shake like that? She looks like a young Naomi Campbell with that model walk!”
How I Actually Look: “Ummm, is that rhinoceros aware of how loud she’s stomping?”

Activity: Entering hour 2 of a heated dance-floor session
How I Think I Look: Capturing the lights like this, damn, they should put me in a music video. I just feel so in touch with my body, so in touch with everything around me. I feel like I could just dance for the rest of my life and I’d be happy. There’d be no wars. This, what I’m doing right here, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I’m so sexy! I just feel so alive, so free, I could marry this stranger I’m grinding on. GOD I’M SO YOUNG AND ALIVE.
How I Actually Look: “That girl’s face looks like a melting Dali painting. Someone should hand her a moisty towel. Also, she’s going to get pregnant if she dances any closer to that guy in the wifebeater.”

Activity: Kissing my boyfriend on a street corner
How I Think I Look: Ahh, l’amour. Young love at its very finest, how we just capture the very essence of what it means to be free, beautiful, and interested in one another. Those demure little pecks on the nose, that romantic swoop into his arms, that endless look into each others’ eyes that tells the other — nay, the world at large — how very much we were meant to be together. Mwah mwah mwah.
How I Actually Look: “Yikes, I hope those two are up to date on all their vaccinations.”

Activity: Taking pictures of myself while out with girlfriends
How I Think I Look: Hehehehe! God, we are so effing adorable! 1, 2, 3, KISSY FACE! Mwah. What should we do next, you guys? Oh my God, how about a duck face? I know, that’s so gross but, like, we know how gross it is so it would be ironic! Christ, we are so ORIGINAL.
How I Actually Look: “Some people don’t have enough food and those girls own a camera. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

Activity: Spending a Friday night in
How I Think I Look: This is so precious, all curled up in my little crocheted blankie, eating my little pint of Haagen Dazs and catching up on some old Mad Men. Gotta get ready for that new season! I should really do this more often, it’s so much better to take care of myself once again instead of fighting a bunch of skeezers out at the bar. Hmm, I think this calls for a little solo photobooth! Better show everyone how cute this is.
How I Actually Look: “OMNOMNOMNOM garble garble NOMNOM *burp* *fart* *belly scratch* I’m not putting on sweatpants… what is this, the Ritz? Screw that, my window faces an abandoned lot, no one cares if I’m naked from the waist down. What can I dip in this Nutella? TRICK QUESTION LOL my fingers.” TC mark

image – Shutterstock

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    Can we ever see ourselves the way we really are?

    • Gretchen Frost

      I too often realize the reality of how I look and feel silly all the time.

      • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

        I usually prefer the image in my head. But sometimes it’s not so pretty.

  • http://twitter.com/Connor_FinishIT Connor Bennette

    Id like to think we’re somewhere in between..  Its the humility of realizing the situation that keeps your suave Bond-ness in check.  Both sides are present and the ‘you’ walks down the middle being guided by each.

  • Anonymous

    hilarious! I’m with ya, girl. I’m with ya.

  • Emily

    we are “incredible sexy?”

  • http://itsrainin9.com Geraldine

    “What can I dip in this Nutella? TRICK QUESTION LOL my fingers.”

    LOL (Y)

  • anon1

    LOL!!!! “Some people don’t have enough food and those girls own a camera. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”

  • jacq

    agree with this whole article, glad i’m not the only one. it’s like my confidence level drops whenever a picture is taken. i can think i look so hot but then someone snaps a picture and i’m like omfg is that me i need a paper bag

  • Wildkard1339

    have any of you started dancing, then RIGHT when the song gets to that perfect point, you get super-self-conscious. and then all you can think is “oh GACK Paralyze me and drag me from the floor, they’re all watching me…”

  • diva

    you literally described me and my roommates to a T. like do you know us? do you have a hidden camera in our house? either way, youre our best friend. HAHAHAHA LOVE IT. i legit LOLed at everything – especially the hr 2 of heated dance sess and “What can I dip in this Nutella? TRICK QUESTION LOL my fingers.”  

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    Funny stuff, I liked this one. 

  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    You’re unsexy and you know it.

  • Sophia


  • http://www.twitter.com/heyjeannie Jeannie

    Smdh if you think strangers actually care that much about you.

  • Peet

    “That girl’s face looks like a melting Dali painting.” i typically don’t like your style, but that line is golden. there’s a sad truth to be found in that nutella quip as well, i wish i didn’t relate

    • Anonymous

      Slick insertion of insult into that compliment, brag. I dig, I dig.

  • Anonymous

    is the smize the default facial expression for all of these instances or what am i right

  • MP9090909

    How I Actually Look: “Some people don’t have enough food and those girls own a camera. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”


  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1135356335 Josh Barrom

    That last bit, about Friday night in, convinced me that you have been stalking me, because that describe my Friday perfectly (and also most other weekdays)

  • Guest

    “What can I dip in this Nutella? TRICK QUESTION LOL my fingers”

    I lol’ed.  A hearty laugh.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1050510007 Kathryn Power

    That last paragraph.  #Preach.

  • Mike

    I find you extremely sexy after reading this article. 100% serious.

  • Elena Belaya

    You are one of the most refreshing writers I have stumbled upon recently.  All the things you mentioned are very true and almost everyone can relate! I haven’t laughed so hard while reading in a really long time. Thank you for sharing!!


    Love this. A day in the life of the “What It’s Like to Be Pretty”-author (and her supposed admirers) if she posessed a modicum of self-awareness? (I just read that article before this one so it seems totally apropos.)


    Also I sort of feel the opposite most of the time and then someone catcalls me (OMG I’m so top 1% hotness, rite? Maybe I should write an article about how hot and smart I am?) I process first whether they are making fun of me and OMG am I standing up too straight again and people think I’m a ferret attempting to runway strut?) So I suppose I wouldn’t identify if I hadn’t had such a shitload of drug experiences that translated into feeling like this on the Vomit Commet on my way home every night, when ‘(semi)hot mess’ would have been a massive reach, even.

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