I don’t know what you and your friends talk about when it’s serious conversation time (I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s global warming/ the possible European Federation and its impacts on the world economy), but when we really get into it — we talk about Divas. Capital D. And no, not Beyonce or Lady Gaga or whatever other pitiful facsimile of a Diva our generation has managed to scrounge up, I’m talking about real ones. Tina, Whitney, Barbra, Cher, and — in my opinion, most importantly, Celine. We’ve gone back and forth on what really makes a Diva, and we’ve generally come up with a three-pronged set of criteria.
1. Overcame some kind of struggle
2. Has A Phenomenal, Life-Changing Voice
3. Goes balls-to-the-wall on every song, no exceptions
Miss Dion clearly has all of these three in spades. She dealt gracefully with her incredibly public, early-teenage awkward phase in which she looked like a less delicate Sarah Jessica Parker (and, did she ever turn into the swan!), not to mention all that public stigma of marrying her (let’s be honest, incredibly creepy and so much older) manager who mortgaged his house when she was 12 to launch her career. That is, by all standards, almost Woody Allen unacceptable — but she didn’t let our wrinkled noses and furrowed brows get her down. Struggles=overcome. Let’s not even discuss her Hope Diamond of a voice, as we are frankly not even worthy to talk about it. And no one goes all out like Celine does. You hand her the sheet music to the Eensy Weensy Spider, she sings that thing like it’s her last five minutes on Earth and those will be her last words to the human race. Celine knows what it means to be a singer.
Listening to her songs is like God blowing you kisses and winking at you. I often consider breaking up with my boyfriend (whom I love dearly) simply to, two weeks later, passionately reunite with him as “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” blasts at full volume out of the enormous speakers I’ve suddenly installed in my apartment. Her music is such that you create moments to appreciate it, to absorb it, to try in vain to rise up to its level. There is absolutely no song that Celine Dion has touched that she hasn’t made infinitely better — no exceptions. She drove all night, she’s alive, she has the power of love, she knows the way it is. What have you done with your life? Nothing. If Celine is the yardstick against which to measure yourself, consider your mere existence a perpetual failure.
If there could be one thing that could possibly enhance Dion’s God-like prowess, it would be when her work is combined with that of another Diva. Her work on VH1’s Divas spectacle makes your face melt off into a tiny puddle of admiration, and her cover of Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High” is like a thousand tiny orgasms going off in your ears. Dion needs no wall of sound; she is the wall of sound.
Not to mention that Celine is French-Canadian, God’s chosen people.
It’s time we all gave a little more thought to the deity in human form we’ve been graced with, it’s time we show more appreciation. With her dulcet tones beneath our wings, there is truly nothing we can’t accomplish in life — so long as we give the occasional human sacrifice and pray five times a day facing Montreal. It’s high time our Celine love go back to Titanic-era insanity, and she gets the attention she truly deserves. It’s the least we can do.