Celine Dion Is The Best Part Of Being Alive

I don’t know what you and your friends talk about when it’s serious conversation time (I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume it’s global warming/ the possible European Federation and its impacts on the world economy), but when we really get into it — we talk about Divas. Capital D. And no, not Beyonce or Lady Gaga or whatever other pitiful facsimile of a Diva our generation has managed to scrounge up, I’m talking about real ones. Tina, Whitney, Barbra, Cher, and — in my opinion, most importantly, Celine. We’ve gone back and forth on what really makes a Diva, and we’ve generally come up with a three-pronged set of criteria.

1. Overcame some kind of struggle
2. Has A Phenomenal, Life-Changing Voice
3. Goes balls-to-the-wall on every song, no exceptions

Miss Dion clearly has all of these three in spades. She dealt gracefully with her incredibly public, early-teenage awkward phase in which she looked like a less delicate Sarah Jessica Parker (and, did she ever turn into the swan!), not to mention all that public stigma of marrying her (let’s be honest, incredibly creepy and so much older) manager who mortgaged his house when she was 12 to launch her career. That is, by all standards, almost Woody Allen unacceptable — but she didn’t let our wrinkled noses and furrowed brows get her down. Struggles=overcome. Let’s not even discuss her Hope Diamond of a voice, as we are frankly not even worthy to talk about it. And no one goes all out like Celine does. You hand her the sheet music to the Eensy Weensy Spider, she sings that thing like it’s her last five minutes on Earth and those will be her last words to the human race. Celine knows what it means to be a singer.

Listening to her songs is like God blowing you kisses and winking at you. I often consider breaking up with my boyfriend (whom I love dearly) simply to, two weeks later, passionately reunite with him as “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” blasts at full volume out of the enormous speakers I’ve suddenly installed in my apartment. Her music is such that you create moments to appreciate it, to absorb it, to try in vain to rise up to its level. There is absolutely no song that Celine Dion has touched that she hasn’t made infinitely better — no exceptions. She drove all night, she’s alive, she has the power of love, she knows the way it is. What have you done with your life? Nothing. If Celine is the yardstick against which to measure yourself, consider your mere existence a perpetual failure.

If there could be one thing that could possibly enhance Dion’s God-like prowess, it would be when her work is combined with that of another Diva. Her work on VH1’s Divas spectacle makes your face melt off into a tiny puddle of admiration, and her cover of Tina Turner’s “River Deep, Mountain High” is like a thousand tiny orgasms going off in your ears. Dion needs no wall of sound; she is the wall of sound.

Not to mention that Celine is French-Canadian, God’s chosen people.

It’s time we all gave a little more thought to the deity in human form we’ve been graced with, it’s time we show more appreciation. With her dulcet tones beneath our wings, there is truly nothing we can’t accomplish in life — so long as we give the occasional human sacrifice and pray five times a day facing Montreal. It’s high time our Celine love go back to Titanic-era insanity, and she gets the attention she truly deserves. It’s the least we can do. TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://twitter.com/scruzz Shawn

    I am ze greatest singuhh… IN ZAH WORLD!

  • http://twitter.com/ImNotUrGuildie Tena van der Sigmund

    Are you freaking kidding me?

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_VYDVROKY4PUBOKUHB3QF42FH2Y Paul S

    Is this some sort of ironic hipster thing you kids are into?

  • http://twitter.com/Nadiaaa87 Nadia

    I never did get why it was so “cool” to hate Celine Dion. If you don’t melt at that song from Beauty and the Beast, you probably aren’t human.

  • guest

    Celine Dion is far inferior to Cher.  Get outta here.

  • Andrea

    Oh, this is great!  Génial! Fantastique!  I teach French and extra credit on every Midterm and Final Exam is about Céline.  A former student actually sent me this link. ;)

  • J in DC

    Great article … and hilarious video.  Celine is great.  All she needs is a new song featuring Nicki Minaj and she will be back on the charts.

  • http://twitter.com/jonkristinarson Jon Kristinarson

    couldn’t. agree. more. we all know I’m here for Beyoncé and Lady Gaga… but, gurrl, don’t even get me started on Céline. Quote her on the daily (TAKE A KAYAK!), adore her fist thumping, just can’t get over how funny she is… love her.

  • Meghan

    My mother and gradmother were OBSESSED with her when I was growing up. They flew to Vegas to see her, they bought her new album the day it came out, we all danced around to her songs and knew all the words…especially “That’s the Way It Is.” Now that I am an asshole hipster who has buried my past with Celine, I’m proud to say that she’s pretty fucking incredible. INCREDIBLE.

  • Rachel N. Smith

    you seem to have forgotten aretha. one does not forget aretha.

  • Kerry C

    Bless you for writing this perfectly written article.

  • Marisa schaafi

    Amen.

  • http://twitter.com/ScottJJLewis Scott Lewis

    Andrew Lloyd Webber said Celine Dion’s version of “It’s All Coming Back To Me Know” was the best song of the 20th century. I think it’s better than “Imagine” at least.

  • http://twitter.com/goldenhotpants Golden Hot Pants

    I am SO on board with this and have been preaching it to everyone I know for the past few years.

  • Liesel

    Thank You!!! Finally someone who GETS it and doesn’t put Celine down as a screaming has been.

  • Joshgondelman

    You raise a lot of compelling arguments.
    I hear she doesn’t get proper respect in Canada. That’s a shame.

  • http://strugglingsingletwentysomething.blogspot.com/ Katie

    Chelsea, after your post about things we’ll have to explain to our kids about the 90s, I thought maybe I like-liked you. With this post, like-like has turned to LOVE. I love this post almost as much as I love Celine herself.

  • Manuel

    EXACTLY!!!!! I have said this over and over and over again to everyone that has ever crossed my path! She IS the ultimate Diva. She IS the greatest singer in the world. She DOES deserve to have the best career because her songs NECER get old and they ALWAYS help us through tough times. Like many other singers, politicians, actors, etc. have said, “she is the best!” And no, she is in no way inferior to Cher!

  • Giao

    There will be a day when Celine in her old age has passed away and I’m still going to be alive. That’s going to be a really sad day.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=648318342 Brittany Lee Hellmeister

    OMG. You said it!!! This is amazing :) :)  and SO TRUE! ah!!! love it!!!!!

  • Lilly

    Celine dion is the greatest voice of all time. Anyone who doesnt think that is ignorant and probably jealous that she’s a nicer, better, and funnier person than you. Shes absolutely crazy but has the personality that everyone should have. She’s super crazy funny but yet she has the biggest and the most humble heart. You will never hear about Celine dion being drunk or Celine dion saying something mean.
    Love you Celine. You will forever be my role model <3 and you have the voice of an angel. No doubt. <3

  • https://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/discussion-who-is-the-ultimate-diva/ Discussion: Who Is The Ultimate Diva? | Thought Catalog

    […] who will always hate Bobby more than a little bit for clipping her wings. There’s Team Celine, who is perfect and flawless in every way. (Okay, and we also forgive the inherent creepiness of […]

  • http://www.itmakesmestronger.com/2012/10/discussion-who-is-the-ultimate-diva/ Only L<3Ve @ ItMakesMeStronger.com

    […] who will always hate Bobby more than a little bit for clipping her wings. There’s Team Celine, who is perfect and flawless in every way. (Okay, and we also forgive the inherent creepiness of […]

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