How Drunk Should You Get In Your Holiday Clothes?
By Thoughtis
The drunkest. The most drunk. You are wearing fancy holiday clothes and it is the end of the year, time to get that exact level of drunk where you walk around the party telling people how good they look and how much you love them — how very excited you are for everyone to just be back together again in one place. Every sentence should start with, “Oh, my God! Look at you!”
You should be making witty observations, like how drinking the spiked eggnog is a lot like drinking a giant glass of frosting, and how you “like it” but it’s just “so heavy.” Pat your stomach to show how it’s a one-glass kind of thing.
You should be drunk enough that kissing everyone is suddenly incredibly appropriate — your crush, your ex, your best friends, the cat (it was wearing an adorable Santa hat!), everyone is getting it tonight. Everything from an adorable kiss on the cheek in photos to the kind of kissing in the corner by the fireplace that makes the host casually lock the door to his bedroom, the evening should be spent in an embrace. Mistletoe would obviously be of help in this scenario, but given that misteltoe doesn’t seem to actually exist in real life, other holiday memorabilia can be used as a substitute. Things that are acceptable to initiate a “Whoops! Looks like we have to kiss! Tee hee.”:
- The Christmas tree
- The Menorah
- The ham
- The punch bowl
- The cat
- A long line to the bathroom
- Someone spilling a drink
- The vaguest feeling of attraction, even for a person who normally evokes a resounding “meh” when not in an adorable holiday outfit
That’s what they’re there for — everyone knows that fancy holiday clothes are the secret ingredient to taking any party from an average mill-about-the-living-room affair to the kind of night that will result in several October babies. Anything we do is immediately rendered charming and “festive” (the universal code word for the perpetual drunkenness and gluttony of the holidays) because we look like something off a CMT Christmas Variety Show. Our grandmothers would find us adorable, even as we are vigorously heaving hot toddies into the bathroom sink.
The holiday outfit is the outfit that will only see the best of times, will only be taken out for celebration, and shouldn’t be bothered with a night of which the most is not made. You owe it to the holiday outfit to make an adorable mess of yourself, and sing “Last Christmas” by Wham! so many times that the host actually cuts off the karaoke machine and tells you to please leave the kitchen. This is not the time for moderation, it is the time to have someone walk out naked except for a strategically placed Santa hat. That person could be you, your holiday outfit won’t judge you.
In conclusion, you should be getting the drunkest of all at the coming holiday parties, wearing your little red cardigan or your silvery sparkle dress. You’ve clearly earned it, and that honey ham isn’t going to break down in the corner and eat itself with its bare hands as it thinks about all the presents it has left to buy.