Celebrity Math

All celebrities can be figured out with a simple set of equations. Even if you failed that insultingly easy college algebra class, I promise you can master this timetable in mere minutes.

1. Zooey Deschanel – highly profitable child-like sense of wonder + British-accented HPV = Katy Perry
2. Asher Roth – hair = Mac Miller
3. Britney Spears – rehab + (glitter x Jack Daniels) = Ke$ha
4. Adele + absolutely no sense of restraint over vocal wailing and show-boaty high notes = Christina Aguilera
5. Mariah Carey + terrible life choices – Nickelodeon-approved husband = Whitney Houston
6. Michael Fassbender + the vague sense that this man would kill you silently in your sleep if given sufficient reason = Viggo Mortenson
7. Michael Cera + 50 years + an overly eager support of the adoption process = Woody Allen
8. Lance Bass – life behind the eyes + a 74-hour work day = Ryan Seacrest
9. Daddy Yankee + (CULO! x MUJERES!) = Pitbull
10. Lil Kim – demure, restrained conservative attitude = Khia
11. Kanye West – the last semblance of self-awareness he has about what a massive tool he comes off as = Tyler the Creator
12. Young Will Smith – charm + (Canadian inoffensiveness x the assumption that anyone cares if he banged Nicki Minaj or not) = Drake
13. Kim Kardashian – everything that makes Kim Kardashian even remotely interesting + spawn = Kourtney Kardashian
14. Madonna + exploitation of sociopolitcal movements – a pornographic coffee table book, though we know that’s only a matter of time = Lady Gaga
15. Celine Dion – incredibly creepy husband/ father figure – charming French Canadian bilingualism + incredibly irritating song named after you = Barbara Streisand
16. Marilyn Manson – intelligence + (Faygo x meth) = ICP
17. Reese Witherspoon – cuteness + anti-depressants = Kirsten Dunst
18. Johnny Depp – pretentious pseudo-Eurotrash thing + British accent – any semblance of talent = Orlando Bloom
19. Glenn Beck + the slightest bit of control over political tears/ self-righteousness = Keith Olbermann
20. Luke Wilson + that scene in Brady Bunch where Marcia got hit in the face with a football in the back yard = Owen Wilson TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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  • macgyver51

    Books. Read em

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    ….

  • http://twitter.com/butchproblems Jess

    “20. Luke Wilson + that scene in Brady Bunch where Marcia got hit in the face with a football in the back yard = Owen Wilson” — Bwahahah. LOVE it. 

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    This is spot on!

  • Adolf Hipster

    11. Kanye West – the last semblance of self-awareness he has about what a massive tool he comes off as = Tyler the CreatorListen to runaway.

    • Adolf Hipster

      Whoops, thought there was a gap in between the quote and ‘Listen to runaway.’

  • http://www.facebook.com/ashesfall Mike Murray

    they forgot “- talent” on number 4. ;-)

    • WeLikeToWatchYouLaughing

      Christina Aguilera is the shit, missy. Everyone else can try, there will never be a song more empowering then Beautiful.

  • Thalia

    oh god, you’re great. i didn’t look at who had written this at first but by the time i was cracking up and nodding in agreement, i knew it must be ms chelsea fagan. 

  • samantha

    ugh.

    • samantha

      also, not that they’re the same, but how can you berate a guy for berating mac miller and then bash tyler the creator? selective uptight-ness.

  • alisalei

    this premise + more pop culture savvy = good article 

  • http://www.s1ckb1tch.blogspot.com Mich

    “Michael Fassbender + the vague sense that this man would kill you silently in your sleep if given sufficient reason = Viggo Mortenson” <— I lol'ed hardcore at that one. ;)

  • http://www.facebook.com/grc15r Gregory Costa

    Greg Costa + Zooey Deschanel = match made in heaven

  • A-W

    I was with you until 15, then I was like “What?? NO.”  

    AND ITS BARBRA GODDAMNIT!

  • Anonymous

    50.gd/2g

  • Anonymous

    50.gd/2g

  • stef

    Michael Cera + Adam Sandberg = Jessse Eisenberg

    • Anonymous

      What are you going for here? Andy Samberg or Adam Sandler? Or perhaps a little know Jew named “Adam Sandberg?”

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