Things We Could Talk About Other Than Our Relationship Status

I’ll be the first to admit that I am no exception to this rule. Amongst friends, on social networking platforms, to my mother on Skype, even on this very website — I like talking about romantic relationships of all kinds. When I have them, when I don’t, it’s all good. And it’s no surprise. Love, sex, cuddling, romance, intimacy, touch, someone to pick you up from the airport on short notice — we all want these things, to varying degrees, if perhaps in different orders.

In any matter of entertainment, we’ve all seen it: A tortured male singer/ songwriter who only stops whining about his tortured love life just long enough to grow his beard some more; a group of smart, incredibly professionally successful and immaculately dressed women ignoring gunfire, screams, and explosions just outside the chic restaurant window to discuss how John isn’t calling someone back; a group of standard-issue toolbros commiserating over legally-required domestic beers and whiskey shots about how very little poon they’re currently getting and how to remedy this in the most hijinx-filled way possible.

We know what it looks like. We do it. We all nod along with each other’s problems, successes, confused anxiety, and desperation until it’s our turn to ramble. And whether we’re a walking Adele song who can’t buy an avocado without breaking down in the produce aisle about your ex-boyfriend getting married, or in the throes of the honeymoon phase and constantly referencing how everything pales in comparison to the way your partner’s beautiful hair clogs the sink, we’re all guilty. So, for future reference and our collective sanity, here is a brief list of things we can address the next time we’re overwhelmed with the urge to talk about how holding hands just feels soooo good:

  • The dimensions, browning, texture, and degree of meltiness of the ideal grilled-cheese sandwich. Also, whether or not the diagonal cut down the middle is only good to demonstrate in commercials the stretchiness of the cheese, and actually makes the sandwich cool down too quickly.
  • Which television series is most an insult to our collective intelligence: Whitney, Two Broke Girls, or New Girl. (Answer: The Big Bang Theory). Bonus question: Does Sheldon single-handedly redeem that abomination?
  • Whether the concept of planking as a generational marker is more horrifying than the word “swag.”
  • Why people on Tumblr actually argue, in all seriousness and blinding earnesty, about how the word “muggle” is offensive, ableist, and racist.
  • The concept of humblebragging as it pertains to Twitter, and whether or not a Twitter account in and of itself is not just a perpetual, albeit subtle, humblebrag about whatever we’re doing at a given moment.
  • Why God saw fit to bless Khloe Kardashian with what is ostensibly a real, functioning personality, then stick her in that family.
  • Whether or not Joan is an admirable character on Mad Men, without letting your answer be influenced by her face-melting cleavage.
  • Why the often harsh, judgmental rap community has welcomed Jimmy from Degrassi with such a warm, unmocking embrace.

If you run out of solutions, I recommend eating or staring each other blankly until you reach at least the 20-minute point without relationship-based conversation. And please, add your own suggestions as to what we could talk about when all we can think of is how awesome it would be to have sex in a Snuggie when it’s cold like this. TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Mashka

    “Why the often harsh, judgmental rap community has welcomed Jimmy from Degrassi with such a warm, unmocking embrace.”

    I ponder this DAILY. It’s like, mindboggling to me that more people don’t realize this connection. I’m still always a little take aback that whenever I see ‘Drake’ performing on TV, that he’s not in a wheelchair

    • Melissa

      and….he was in a wheelchair. got it.

  • Miara

    I fully cosign the Kardashian statement and ask that question often. Kim has NO personality what so ever yet makes the most money and has the most followers. It will never make sense!!

    • Anonymous

      khloe however has the most successful relationship life, with her husband being wayy richer than kim.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Steven-Timberman/922794 Steven Timberman

    Chelsea, have you found the French to be as relationship-obsessed as us ‘Mericans? 

    I had a really rough time a few nights back when I realized that it has been 22 months ( 22!) since I was last in a serious relationship and all of my British friends just shrugged their shoulders and acted confused as to why I was drinking cheap white wine at 11 a.m. on a Tuesday. 

    Then I went out with my pocket of American friends for drinks and they all instinctively just, got IT. I don’t care how you look at it, that shit’s depressing. 

    And I would twist the tv question to just focus on Zoey Deschanel. I do dig the whole faux-hipster thing, but I just don’t get why everyone laughs at her manic pixie dreamgirl twee act. Just don’t get that one, I guess. 

    • http://twitter.com/rmnks ramnik s.

      Yeah…I don’t get how everyone is so enamoured by Zooey Deschanel

  • Anonymous

    The tumblr word police are a constant source of ire for me! I even drew a pictograph the other day, outlining how wrong they are about everything.

  • Adélaïde

    I LOVE YOU (r writing) SO MUCH! 
    im gigglin’ at the jimmy from degrassi thing because I’ve always thought the same thing. It’s like I can objectively see that Drake is a hottie, but he will always be Jimmy for me. 

    • Melissa

      oh okay. i get the story now. so that’s where this “drake” comes from. cute.

  • Elizabeth

    Sex in a Snuggie – yes!  http://thesnuggiesutra.com/

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    “Which television series is most an insult to our collective intelligence: Whitney,Two Broke Girls, or New Girl. (Answer: The Big Bang Theory). ”

    YES OH MY GOD YES

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/5jo

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    Other conversation topics:
    How do fish sleep?
    I wonder what Charlie Sheen is doing this very moment.
    Why the hell is furniture in the midst of an identity crisis? Futon just be a bed or be a sofa, same goes to you water bed.  

  • Guest

    And why is Big Bang Theory ALWAYS on when you go to the gym?

  • Chezdawg

    “And whether we’re a walking Adele song who can’t buy an avocado without breaking down in the produce aisle about your ex-boyfriend getting married, or in the throes of the honeymoon phase and constantly referencing how everything pales in comparison to the way your partner’s beautiful hair clogs the sink, we’re all guilty.”

    Most brilliant line, ever. 

  • Guest

    “Why the often harsh, judgmental rap community has welcomed Jimmy from Degrassi with such a warm, unmocking embrace.” — 
    Answer: It hasn’t. Drizzy Drake gets about as much shit as Ray J does, but he keeps swaggu-ing with the right people so they keep letting him put stuff on the radio. I don’t really know who has to fellate whom to make it happen, but it happens.

  • Elina Rose

    Important topic for regular discussion: Ricky Gervais’s sell-out style downfall. Breaks my heart & blows my mind!

  • Tia

    Ryan used to be my favorite writer on this site. Not anymore….

  • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

    *Khloe has a personality? Must have missed that one, possibly because Kim never shuts up.
    *Love the grilled cheese section. I feel the need to immediately discuss this topic. Even more so, is Kraft Singles the only cheese that makes the stretchy cheese effect so delicious looking?
    *Really dumbfounded by the idea of a made up word from a fiction writer’s novels becoming a racist remark (racist against who- EVERYONE, seeing as to how we’re all dreadfully unmagical?)
    *And FINALLY someone else makes that distinction with Drake and Jimmy. His music is nothing to be excited about either, just like that damn show that started addressing ecstasy and sex when they were like 13! What the hell is going on in Canada that kids started ecstasy and screwing that young?
     

  • Anonymous

    ta.gg/5jo

  • Ag213

    i’m sensing a pattern here with your articles…they’re all pretty bitter about being single. “things we could talk about other than how sad i am to be single” should be your next article. please?

    • Anonymous

      Relationship status applies to being single, in a relationship, married, divorced, whatever.  Pretty sure she didn’t moan once, about being single in this article.

    • Anonymous

      For the record, I am in an incredibly happy relationship, and have been since I started writing for Thought Catalog.

      However, talking about how in love I am and how much I like spooning in the afternoon is the stuff of boring, tedious articles.

  • Jkafka

    Beg to differ… “someone to pick you up at the airport on short notice.”. Truth…

  • ariel

    I like The Big Bang Theory! I also spent a lot of my undergrad working in laboratories. 

  • Anonymous

    phlpn.es/7x9vmd

  • http://new.moducopy.co.kr/modu_download/134039 Anup

    Anup

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