Laziness Is The Greatest Virtue

That awesome moment when you’re sitting in your room and you’re like, “Damn, I should totally go to the corner store and buy a pint of Chunky Monkey and eat the entire thing sitting right here in front of my computer, because I am all alone and no one is here to judge me and it is truly the little moments that make life.” But then you consider it for a moment or two, and you’re like, “But, damn, I am so comfortable in my room right now and I’m wearing my ‘society doesn’t understand me’ robe and walking all the way to the corner store in this weather would completely negate the pleasure I would get from that Chunky Monkey, plus the cashier always tries to awkwardly hit on me no matter how soccer-mom-sad my ponytail is and frankly, I’d rather not deal with it.” And then you just end up eating that apple that was sitting in your kitchen, and your body feels somewhat refreshed afterward and doesn’t hate you for yet another in the endless list of sins you commit against it.

Laziness is awesome.

That awesome moment when you’re on the internet and you’re watching some ridiculous fight go down and people are just screaming at each other about the socioeconomic undertones of American Idol and there’s this one guy going on and on about how offended he is by the whole program as a concept and somehow Jesus was brought into the conversation, and suddenly racial slurs are flying all around you like so much confetti. So, naturally, you start to come up with the kind of witty, well-thought-out response that could totally put an end to all of this madness and put people in their rightful places, showing them how very wrong they are. Crazy religious man would be directed to a Joel Osteen video, ultra-PC guy would go over to UC Berkeley’s website, racial slur-throwing-man would get his internet cut off, and people asking for thumbs up would have their actual thumbs cut off, as God would have wanted it. All would be right with the world. But then, you realize that engaging in this would take you absolutely nowhere, and besides, you’re so not in the mood to type right now. You’ve managed to escape getting mired in an endless merry-go-round of semi-literate arguing about the Illuminati.

Laziness is awesome.

That awesome moment when your “friends” — more acquaintances with sweet social calendars than anything — invite you to this cool party at this hot bar and you’re totally planning on going and spending about 15 dollars a pop for drinks you will spend the entire evening complaining about (as for 15 dollars, you should just be handed a bottle of Smirnoff and a condom). You’re planning (whether you know it or not) on throwing up more around than in the toilet, ruining a new pair of shoes on unforgiving sidewalk grates, getting into an argument at the bar that looks for a moment as though it may turn physical, but actually won’t because you’re both lame, and passing out on your floor as soon as you close the door behind you. But then you think, eh, I don’t really feel like dragging my ass all the way across town, and besides, I could spend all night Skyping, watching so many stolen movies, and taking pictures of myself drinking out of a big glass of wine. And then you do it, and it’s the most awesome night in recent memory, and your checking account doesn’t look like someone napalmed it the next morning.

Laziness is awesome.

That awesome moment when you are getting home from a night out that you actually did get suckered into, and are starting that glamorous, sexy, well-coordinated dance of stumbling out of the majority of your clothes as you fall into bed. And then suddenly it hits you: There is someone out there in the cold, unforgiving night for whom you have more than a few choice words. By gum, you have things to say, and now is the very most opportune time to call them and tell them exactly how you feel — now, at three in the morning, when you don’t remember your middle name and every time you swallow it tastes like alcohol-soaked Sour Patch Kids. You get up the gall to have this very important conversation, locate your phone, and start fumbling with it. But then you think — ugh. Dialing ten whole numbers? Right now? What am I, that Sesame Street Vampire? You’ve suddenly stopped caring what a phone even is, or what purpose it serves in our complicated modern society. So you do the honorable thing: You eat half a bag of Doritos and pass out in a pile of drool and crumbs. And, when you wake up, you’re in a state to fully understand how terrible that conversation would have been.

Laziness is awesome.

I rest my case. TC mark

image – shohleh!!

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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  • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray
    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      are you serious with removing the article?

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray

      just a glimpse into chelsea fagan’s self hating, biologically determinist, chauvinistic mind:

      “And for a man, a sexually and visually driven man not in full command of his wits, having a woman tell him “no” while wearing the most provocative, arousing, blatantly sexual outfit possible is, to say the least, confusing.”

      • Chelsea Fagan is a misogynist

        THANK GOD YOU EXIST HUNTER RAY

      • Chelsea Fagan is a misogynist

        Fuck she is bleak. 

        Dear Chelsea, women get raped because men rape them. There is nothing a woman can do to prevent being raped. To posit otherwise is to HATE WOMEN. You are a fucking idiot if you don’t understand this.In our society, women live in a permanent state of consent i.e. our only use to the dudeliocentric universe is so we can wear “the most provocative, arousing, blatantly sexual outfit possible” for their pleasure. EVEN IF WE SAY NO, we are still “confusing” poor little sexually and visually driven men who can’t possibly be in full command of their wits. Whatever we’re wearing, even if we’re wearing fucking hijabs, is an excuse to be raped. You are a sick human being and a rape apologist Chelsea Fagan.

    • http://twitter.com/no_cazador hunter ray
  • CUinNYC

    Sloth is one of the seven deadly sins.

  • http://twitter.com/butchproblems Jess

    Opening sentence describes my life. I actually lol’d and tried not to cry.

  • Anonymous

     “I’m wearing my ‘society doesn’t understand me’ robe” ha! Yes. 

    • Anonymous

      sounds very ryan o’connell like

      • lianne

        sounds very brad pike like

  • Fuckyoutubecomments

    “and people asking for thumbs up would have their actual thumbs cut off, as God would have wanted it”

    lol so true

  • Guest

    Hahah this hilarious, great article.

  • bones

    chelsea, so pathetic your life. get a job, you have too much time on your hands. plus, you know you’re drinking way too much. it will come to no good. so bleak. turn off your computer and go meet your neighbors. you won’t be so angry and your writing will improve.

    • Becci

      Who are you to judge her? Do you know her personally? Didn’t think so.. Oh, and you know, She may be using something called an IMAGINATION or past experiences and not writing about her daily life as you seem to think she is. Get over yourself or try getting off of your computer, where you’re writing angry posts trying to put others down, and go meet your neighbors. You wont be so anrgy and your life will improve.

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