So, this volume of Husband Material is possibly the most delectable HM that ever existed, that will ever exist, whose existence could ever be discussed without your tongue literally melting from sheer unctuous heat. My future (unwitting) husband, the love of my life, the Golden Deity of Men I Would Totally Settle Down With, Jeff Goldblum.
Name: Jeff Goldblum
Age: Not important, Jeff is timeless.
Occupation: Actor, master of the “sexy stutter,” possibly invented by Hugh Grant but no doubt perfected by Goldblum himself
Description: Without a doubt, the most attractive man who ever lived. There is something very specific about Jeff Goldblum’s intelligence that makes him so particularly irresistible—whether manifested in his quirky genius characters or displayed in his hyperliterate, uncannily funny interviews — he is so intellectually nimble it’s staggering. The way he says everything with a half-smile, just enough to let you know he’s in on the whole “Nebbishy New Yorker” joke, it melts my little steel heart. He seems like the kind of guy with whom you would have an incredible, 5-hour long conversation over dinner that spilled out into the streets and eventually ended in bed, where his perfect SAT score would not in the least imply a disheartening lack of familiarity with the female form.
Also, he is beautiful.
Benefits to Marriage: Being with a man as at once intelligent and sexy as Jeffiskins would no doubt be a test to anyone’s self-confidence, but judging by how complimentary and courteous he always is to hosts and interviewers, one can only imagines he treats his woman like a golden goddess. If not, whatever, you get to have sex with a perfect male specimen.
Drawbacks: He may have aged slightly since his Jurassic Park heyday. Slightly. Research is still out on this one. Also, he will likely perch himself like a feathered-haired pelican above your towel rack and watch you poop.
You Must Be: Judging by who he gets spotted with these days — 22, blonde, and living in the greater New York area. But I assume that Jeff also has a think for really smart, somewhat uncomfortable girls–who come in all shapes and sizes. I have to believe this. I have to.
The Dowry Jeff Brings: 8 hectares of fertile soil, the most reliable well in the village, a sizable llama farm, and that sexy, bizarre Ian Malcolm laugh.