Husband Material, Vol. 3: Jeff Goldblum


So, this volume of Husband Material is possibly the most delectable HM that ever existed, that will ever exist, whose existence could ever be discussed without your tongue literally melting from sheer unctuous heat. My future (unwitting) husband, the love of my life, the Golden Deity of Men I Would Totally Settle Down With, Jeff Goldblum.

Name: Jeff Goldblum

Age: Not important, Jeff is timeless.

Occupation: Actor, master of the “sexy stutter,” possibly invented by Hugh Grant but no doubt perfected by Goldblum himself

Description: Without a doubt, the most attractive man who ever lived. There is something very specific about Jeff Goldblum’s intelligence that makes him so particularly irresistible—whether manifested in his quirky genius characters or displayed in his hyperliterate, uncannily funny interviews — he is so intellectually nimble it’s staggering. The way he says everything with a half-smile, just enough to let you know he’s in on the whole “Nebbishy New Yorker” joke, it melts my little steel heart. He seems like the kind of guy with whom you would have an incredible, 5-hour long conversation over dinner that spilled out into the streets and eventually ended in bed, where his perfect SAT score would not in the least imply a disheartening lack of familiarity with the female form.

Also, he is beautiful.

Benefits to Marriage: Being with a man as at once intelligent and sexy as Jeffiskins would no doubt be a test to anyone’s self-confidence, but judging by how complimentary and courteous he always is to hosts and interviewers, one can only imagines he treats his woman like a golden goddess. If not, whatever, you get to have sex with a perfect male specimen.

Drawbacks: He may have aged slightly since his Jurassic Park heyday. Slightly. Research is still out on this one. Also, he will likely perch himself like a feathered-haired pelican above your towel rack and watch you poop.

You Must Be: Judging by who he gets spotted with these days — 22, blonde, and living in the greater New York area. But I assume that Jeff also has a think for really smart, somewhat uncomfortable girls–who come in all shapes and sizes. I have to believe this. I have to.

The Dowry Jeff Brings: 8 hectares of fertile soil, the most reliable well in the village, a sizable llama farm, and that sexy, bizarre Ian Malcolm laugh. TC mark

image – Towpilot

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.


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  • Michael Koh

    ummmmm independence day?!?!?!

  • Faith Wright

    fuck yes

  • angelusgutmann

    Love the way his hips move when he walks!

  • Josh Gondelman

    This is my favorite opinion I have ever read. I don’t know if I agree, but I love it.

  • Mung Beans

    I can’t stop picturing that part in The Fly where his fingernails fall out 

    :'( :'( :'(

  • stuhlz


  • Alex Moschina

    I’m shocked there was no mention of “Earth Girls are Easy” (no I’m not).

  • Sesamesnaps

    Another plus – he laughs like this:

  • Mirabella

    I SO totally agree. *sigh*

  • Josh Liburdi
  • your friend

    this is The Very Best.

  • Anonymous

    even before finishing this article I was going to write “Jeff Goldblum watches you poop” but you beat me to it AGHH

  • Sarah @ Bend it Like Becker

    Oh sweet God I thought I was THE ONLY EARTHLING who had Jeff Goldblum at the top of my celebrity crush list!!! Although I am disappointed to point out one glaring omission- Jeff Goldblum on rollerblades in Nine Months… Mmmm hmmm…..

  • space mountain

    the fly -when he’s in his little white underwear looking like a crack addict 

  • Elena Belaya

    I can’t believe that someone else shares my unnatural love for Jeff Goldblum. The one and only man for me… we would have such beautiful and intellectual children together. *Sigh*

  • I Went To A Jeff Goldblum Concert, And This Is Everything I Saw | Thought Catalog

    […] my powerful love for Jeff Goldblum. He is my ultimate celebrity crush, the crown prince of Husband Material. I have had a crush on him since before I knew what a crush was, and his hyper-literate form of […]

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