We all have to get up and do stuff we don’t want to do — go to work, go to that math class we put off until the last possible semester, go to the post office, etc. — and we have all come to dread the heinous sounds of our various alarm clocks. However, there are some people who seem to rise with the birds, singing a beautiful song and praising the Sun Goddess or whatever the hell they do. But how is this physically possible? And why, why must we reward them for how bright and early their internal clocks seem to wake them up? A few points I have true intellectual difficulty grasping:
Who actually likes going for a six a.m. run? Who hears that alarm clock go off and think, “Screw getting an extra hour of sleep! I’m gonna go outside in the freezing rain and wear my poor, poor knees down repeatedly against the unforgiving pavement! YES!” I refuse to accept that this an actual human impulse for some. It’s just too absurd, too cruel, too masochistic. Maybe that’s it. Maybe morning people are just the most civilized of masochists, and it was either this or hiring a dominatrix, and this was the less expensive option.
What is the desire, the need, to make others aware of their Morning Person status? There is no doubt in my mind that the inspiration for all the various statuses and tweets along the lines of: “What a beautiful morning, a nice hour of yoga and I’m so ready to attack today! #GettinThatWormBro” is simply to make the rest of us feel bad as we stand, comatose, in front of our coffee machines. I hate you, social networking-capable morning person. You are the worst part of waking up. You are the Anti-Folgers.
How early do you people have to go to sleep? In order for me to jump out of bed at 7 and dance around my room as my clothes magically appear on my body, as I imagine happens with morning people, I would realistically have to be in bed by 6 p.m. the night before. The amount of good, solid sleep I would need to justify/ power being such a chipper douchebag at such an ungodly hour is something not physically possible with my current evening schedule. If you bastards are going to sleep at midnight, I refuse to accept you are human.
Who actually eats legitimate breakfasts in the early morning? I have friends who talk openly about their ritual of eating granola, greek yogurt, soft-boiled eggs (in the little egg cups, no less) a glass of OJ, and a coffee in the morning. WHAT. That is straight brunch material, and we’re talking on a Sunday in which getting out of bed at 11:30 is a great success. Even if I could theoretically be up early enough to prepare this on weekdays, who has that kind of appetite when the sun is not even up yet? I am lucky if I can stomach a half-piece of toast as I struggle to pull my boots up. That is a good day for me.
Who gets up early on weekends? Who? WHO?! Who are those people that go out on a bender Friday night and pop up, like a jack-in-the-box, at 9 a.m. on Saturday, ready to run a marathon and compose a symphony? THE WEEKENDS ARE YOUR TIME. God didn’t even get out of bed on Sunday, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even sleep. That’s it, morning people are just trying to prove they need less rest than THE GOOD LORD. Blasphemers.
I hate you, morning people, because society loves you more… and I’ve never seen a sunrise, but I hear they’re pretty cool. I’m jealous, okay? Just stop rubbing it in my face, please, mornings are hard enough as it is.