What Is Wrong With Morning People?

We all have to get up and do stuff we don’t want to do — go to work, go to that math class we put off until the last possible semester, go to the post office, etc. — and we have all come to dread the heinous sounds of our various alarm clocks. However, there are some people who seem to rise with the birds, singing a beautiful song and praising the Sun Goddess or whatever the hell they do. But how is this physically possible? And why, why must we reward them for how bright and early their internal clocks seem to wake them up? A few points I have true intellectual difficulty grasping:

Who actually likes going for a six a.m. run? Who hears that alarm clock go off and think, “Screw getting an extra hour of sleep! I’m gonna go outside in the freezing rain and wear my poor, poor knees down repeatedly against the unforgiving pavement! YES!” I refuse to accept that this an actual human impulse for some. It’s just too absurd, too cruel, too masochistic. Maybe that’s it. Maybe morning people are just the most civilized of masochists, and it was either this or hiring a dominatrix, and this was the less expensive option.

What is the desire, the need, to make others aware of their Morning Person status? There is no doubt in my mind that the inspiration for all the various statuses and tweets along the lines of: “What a beautiful morning, a nice hour of yoga and I’m so ready to attack today! #GettinThatWormBro” is simply to make the rest of us feel bad as we stand, comatose, in front of our coffee machines. I hate you, social networking-capable morning person. You are the worst part of waking up. You are the Anti-Folgers.

How early do you people have to go to sleep? In order for me to jump out of bed at 7 and dance around my room as my clothes magically appear on my body, as I imagine happens with morning people, I would realistically have to be in bed by 6 p.m. the night before. The amount of good, solid sleep I would need to justify/ power being such a chipper douchebag at such an ungodly hour is something not physically possible with my current evening schedule. If you bastards are going to sleep at midnight, I refuse to accept you are human.

Who actually eats legitimate breakfasts in the early morning? I have friends who talk openly about their ritual of eating granola, greek yogurt, soft-boiled eggs (in the little egg cups, no less) a glass of OJ, and a coffee in the morning. WHAT. That is straight brunch material, and we’re talking on a Sunday in which getting out of bed at 11:30 is a great success. Even if I could theoretically be up early enough to prepare this on weekdays, who has that kind of appetite when the sun is not even up yet? I am lucky if I can stomach a half-piece of toast as I struggle to pull my boots up. That is a good day for me.

Who gets up early on weekends? Who? WHO?! Who are those people that go out on a bender Friday night and pop up, like a jack-in-the-box, at 9 a.m. on Saturday, ready to run a marathon and compose a symphony? THE WEEKENDS ARE YOUR TIME. God didn’t even get out of bed on Sunday, and I’m pretty sure he doesn’t even sleep. That’s it, morning people are just trying to prove they need less rest than THE GOOD LORD. Blasphemers.

I hate you, morning people, because society loves you more… and I’ve never seen a sunrise, but I hear they’re pretty cool. I’m jealous, okay? Just stop rubbing it in my face, please, mornings are hard enough as it is. TC mark

image – stephen bowler

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

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The cover and theme for my newest book was inspired by the concept of kintsugi. All that is dark or cracked within us has the capacity to be fixed, to be filled with light. We are never broken. We are always becoming. 

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What Is Wrong With Morning People? is cataloged in , , , ,
  • Caitsherly

    this is the best thing EVER written.

  • Caitsherly

    this is the best thing EVER written.

  • Guest

    “#GettinThatWormBro” …love it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Megan-Shafer/1169280047 Megan Shafer

     loling so hard. be my best friend?

  • tha dish

    Awesome. Just.. Awesome. I hate morning people.  I use my snooze button more than my toothbrush.

  • indi

    “I hate you, social networking-capable morning person. You are the worst part of waking up. You are the Anti-Folgers.”

    YES.  A THOUSAND TIMES YES.

  • melis

    hahaha you just totally described my crazy mom lol

  • melis

    hahaha you just totally described my crazy mom lol

  • http://www.facebook.com/people/Sanyukta-Banerjie/1127023186 Sanyukta Banerjie

    haha!! this is so cute!! and yeah great, expressive and al that but mostlycute!!  :)

  • Miriam

    I guess it’s called self-discipline. 
    You happen to like it at some point.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

      • Realistic

        Not understanding is one thing. Declaring all people who get up early as:
        – too absurd, too cruel, too masochistic
        -it was either this or hiring a dominatrix
        -I hate you
        -You are the worst part of waking up
        -You are the Anti-Folgers
        -chipper douchebag
        -you bastards
        -I refuse to accept you are human

        This isn’t just “not understanding”. As the OP wrote, they’re jealous. It’s dripping with self-loathing and self-judgement. I hate you because you all are happily doing something I can’t.

        Hate is mentioned quite a bit. 

        You’re right, it’s not an issue of self-discipline. You don’t need to self-discipline to stop short of hating people for  uhhhh waking up?

      • Wayfarers99

        She’s just kidding. Gosh. It’s more like [morning person’s] life is so perfect and I kinda wish I was like that but then again mine, bad as it is, is still more me. Satire against herself, not hatred and judgment. Lighten up!

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Watch out, everyone here is RLY SRS.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Watch out, everyone here is RLY SRS.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Watch out, everyone here is RLY SRS.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Watch out, everyone here is RLY SRS.

      • Guest

        Come on, we are just taking the piss 

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Watch out, everyone here is RLY SRS.

      • Realistic

        Not understanding is one thing. Declaring all people who get up early as:
        – too absurd, too cruel, too masochistic
        -it was either this or hiring a dominatrix
        -I hate you
        -You are the worst part of waking up
        -You are the Anti-Folgers
        -chipper douchebag
        -you bastards
        -I refuse to accept you are human

        This isn’t just “not understanding”. As the OP wrote, they’re jealous. It’s dripping with self-loathing and self-judgement. I hate you because you all are happily doing something I can’t.

        Hate is mentioned quite a bit. 

        You’re right, it’s not an issue of self-discipline. You don’t need to self-discipline to stop short of hating people for  uhhhh waking up?

      • Realistic

        Not understanding is one thing. Declaring all people who get up early as:
        – too absurd, too cruel, too masochistic
        -it was either this or hiring a dominatrix
        -I hate you
        -You are the worst part of waking up
        -You are the Anti-Folgers
        -chipper douchebag
        -you bastards
        -I refuse to accept you are human

        This isn’t just “not understanding”. As the OP wrote, they’re jealous. It’s dripping with self-loathing and self-judgement. I hate you because you all are happily doing something I can’t.

        Hate is mentioned quite a bit. 

        You’re right, it’s not an issue of self-discipline. You don’t need to self-discipline to stop short of hating people for  uhhhh waking up?

      • Realistic

        Not understanding is one thing. Declaring all people who get up early as:
        – too absurd, too cruel, too masochistic
        -it was either this or hiring a dominatrix
        -I hate you
        -You are the worst part of waking up
        -You are the Anti-Folgers
        -chipper douchebag
        -you bastards
        -I refuse to accept you are human

        This isn’t just “not understanding”. As the OP wrote, they’re jealous. It’s dripping with self-loathing and self-judgement. I hate you because you all are happily doing something I can’t.

        Hate is mentioned quite a bit. 

        You’re right, it’s not an issue of self-discipline. You don’t need to self-discipline to stop short of hating people for  uhhhh waking up?

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

    • Guest

      Lame.
      Waking up early to go to work, or do something important, yeah.
      But not being interested in or being able to understand the concept of wanting to wake up early to go for a jog before work has nothing to do with self-discipline.

  • Miriam

    I guess it’s called self-discipline. 
    You happen to like it at some point.

  • Miriam

    I guess it’s called self-discipline. 
    You happen to like it at some point.

  • Miriam

    I guess it’s called self-discipline. 
    You happen to like it at some point.

  • Miriam

    I guess it’s called self-discipline. 
    You happen to like it at some point.

  • Miriam

    I guess it’s called self-discipline. 
    You happen to like it at some point.

  • Carneira

    I always fall asleep at midnight and wake up at 6 A.M., feeling quite fresh.
    Feel free to hate me.  

  • Anonymous

    I’m a morning person, and it actually does feel unnatural.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Former morning person – I felt like a freak for every day I was up before the sun.

      • Guies

        what happened? how’d you change?

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        I had to be on the job at 6am. I was up every day at 3:45 so I had time to work out, shower, pack a lunch and then drive in.

        … I got a new job and partied for three nights in a row. Knocked all those months of morning person-dom right outta me.

  • Quinn

    As someone who used to wake up early in the morning to work out and THEN eat Greek Yogurt, I can assure you that the only satisfaction in this ascetic routine was the off-chance that I might be able to slip something like this into conversation: 

    “Oh man…I’m so tired right now, and it’s only – what? –  5:00!? Man, I guess that’s what happens when you wake up at 6:00!” “What’s that? Why did I wake up at 6:00? Oh…because I worked out BEFORE work. I know! it’s crazy! I had some Greek yogurt afterwords. It’s really good, you should try it!” Smugly walk away, fall asleep at desk…

  • http://www.tinacris.ca Cristina

    Why does everyone think that being a morning person is better?

    • Sophia

      Because Ben Franklin said so.

  • David Moon

    Everyone’s status on Facebook is annoying. There are plenty of people who like to brag about how little sleep they got, and how tired and miserable they are all the time. It’s just one big masochistic contest. How refreshing! The negative assholes are worse than the positive assholes. But in general, it’s just a good idea not to brag about anything you do— be it getting up early or getting a certain grade, or getting so drunk you don’t remember anything— because no one cares, and you’re just trying to prove something to yourself.

  • David Moon

    Everyone’s status on Facebook is annoying. There are plenty of people who like to brag about how little sleep they got, and how tired and miserable they are all the time. It’s just one big masochistic contest. How refreshing! The negative assholes are worse than the positive assholes. But in general, it’s just a good idea not to brag about anything you do— be it getting up early or getting a certain grade, or getting so drunk you don’t remember anything— because no one cares, and you’re just trying to prove something to yourself.

  • David Moon

    Everyone’s status on Facebook is annoying. There are plenty of people who like to brag about how little sleep they got, and how tired and miserable they are all the time. It’s just one big masochistic contest. How refreshing! The negative assholes are worse than the positive assholes. But in general, it’s just a good idea not to brag about anything you do— be it getting up early or getting a certain grade, or getting so drunk you don’t remember anything— because no one cares, and you’re just trying to prove something to yourself.

  • http://thefirstchurchofmutterhals.blogspot.com/ mutterhals

    I only eat proper breakfasts in the morning when I’m still drunk from the night before.

  • steph

    yeah, I am officially a chelsea fagan fan. you never fail to crack me up

  • http://twitter.com/Flarfer Dave P

    This is some serious type A cock-a-doodle-doo shit.

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