Thought Catalog

Husband Material, Vol. 2: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

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Whether you were into it when he had that greasy center part on Third Rock From the Sun, or you only started loving him when you saw what a vast cardigan collection he owns in 500 Days of Summer, there is no denying that JGL is the soft-spoken, completely above-average actor that makes bespectacled girls everywhere go unffffff. He is the pinnacle of gentle, understated male beauty and charisma, he chooses his roles very wisely, and you didn’t hear this from me — but homeboy speaks French. Yeah, French.

So if you are tired of the pretentious, pretty boy artist types who will love you and leave you when they catch a good glimpse of themselves in the mirror — I’m looking at you James Franco — and you are looking to get that dowry and settle down with a nice hipster dreamboat, there could be no better choice than one Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Name: Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Age: 30

Occupation: Actor, musician, traveler, giver of interviews that make you just want to pinch his cheeks and go “eeeeeeee”

Description: Joseph is that rare but beautiful combination of all of the essential ingredients to be a Hollywood playboy and the “aw, shucks” demeanor of a band geek getting complimented by a pretty girl. His sheepish smiles and dimples you could eat cereal out of bring to mind a sweet, humble boy-next-door who shoots people upside-down inside your dreams sometimes. Joseph has chosen roles that at once show his strong acting chops and make us fall in love with his sweaters. So, so many sweaters. He brings to mind the kind of guy that would look for the perfect pumpkin on a crisp fall day, and lend you his scarf when it got a little nippy. He would also bring you cider.

Benefits To Marriage: Joseph would love you dearly and be extremely respectful to your parents, possibly bringing them bundt cakes on Sunday family dinners together. He would also share with you his love for New Wave French cinema, and bring you into a world of critical acclaim, commercial success, and what I imagine are occasional brunches with John Lithgow.

Drawbacks: You will be kissing the lips that once kissed Zooey Deschanel. All the Clorox in the world won’t be able to scrub the twee off you.

You Must Be: Interested in thoughtful movies, willing to listen to his music projects, and occasionally open to helping with his French.

The Dowry Joseph Brings: 40 hectares of fertile soil near the riverbed, 25 of his family’s fuzziest alpacas, 2 roosters, and about three days worth of boyish chin stubble. TC mark

image – 500 Days Of Summer
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Severe(d): A Creepy Poetry Collection

I used to get butterflies when I looked at you, but now they feel more like maggots feasting away on the heart you slaughtered.

More From Thought Catalog

Husband Material, Vol. 2: Joseph Gordon-Levitt is cataloged in , , , , , ,
  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    I FOLLOW HIM ON EVERY SOCIAL NETWORK <3

    • Joycenancyy

      SAME

    • Joycenancyy

      SAME

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    I FOLLOW HIM ON EVERY SOCIAL NETWORK <3

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    I FOLLOW HIM ON EVERY SOCIAL NETWORK <3

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    I FOLLOW HIM ON EVERY SOCIAL NETWORK <3

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    I FOLLOW HIM ON EVERY SOCIAL NETWORK <3

  • http://www.facebook.com/acgrange Amanda Panda Granger

    He’s precious! This just makes me want to meet and wed him all the more! xD

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    I really liked this. But, “He brings to mind the kind of guy that would look for the perfect pumpkin on a crisp fall day, and lend you his scarf when it got a little nippy. He would also bring you cider.” Kind of made me puke in my mouth a bit b/c I would offer a jacket when cold, treat for apple cider, go get pumpkins–BUT this is the kind of IDEAL (though I know you’re working w/ ideal here) that makes GIRLFRIENDS get mad when you THE BOYFRIEND didn’t reach this ideal and gets mad at you and doesn’t talk b/c you said some comment that seemed innocent enough that made the GIRLFRIEND mad b/c you have fallen from the ideal she had of you in her head, and think “is this my life w/ him. I thought he was much nicer better bf than this.” Though guys have these thoughts too. Yeah, I went there.
    Good piece though.

    • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

      wow. take that angry chick some cider, obvies.

  • Amanda M

    I also follow him on all the networks. He is so amazing!!!

  • http://twitter.com/cleverwpanache Hannah Rose Keyser

    I interned at a bridal magazine and in order to see certain aspects of the site I had to make a fake account. One that included details of a hypothetical upcoming wedding. So, sorry ladies, but according to theknot.com, JGL and I will married May 31 2013. You’re invited.

  • Danielle Nathan

    I love, love, love him!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    JGL in Manic makes me cry every time. I love him.

  • Vicky Shazam

    he’s been my one true love since angels in the outfield .<3

    • Assirammmmmm

      yessssss<333 that and 3rd rock obvi. 

    • http://www.guidetomenhattan.com Rachel

      So so good.

  • Molly

    “Drawbacks: You will be kissing the lips that once kissed Zooey Deschanel.” What?! Hasn’t she ever thought of having a threesome with JGL and Zooey Deschanel? HELLO.

  • http://fazed-girl.blogspot.com Samantha

    AUGH, I am so conflicted about him. I love JGL as an actor (swag of the century in Inception and such a cute woobie in 500 Days, but BRICK and MYSTERIOUS SKIN!!! OMG. MYSTERIOUS SKIN), but his online presence irks me so much that I try to avoid keeping up with him so I can still enjoy his characters.

    IDK, maybe it’s just me.

  • amelia johnson

    I’ll be more than happy to help him french.

    Ohwhat did you say with his French? My bad.

  • amelia johnson

    I’ll be more than happy to help him french.

    Ohwhat did you say with his French? My bad.

  • Anonymous Hippo

    gotta love Alpacas. 

  • Anonymous Hippo

    gotta love Alpacas. 

  • MM

    I love this man. I wish there were more like these in college…well at my college.

  • http://karyninny.com/ karyn

    when he was gliding through the air weightlessly in inception he seemed as graceful as a ballet dancer which made him seem um, not straight, to me. also, is he itty bitty? do we have his physical stats? i feel like he might be a 120 pounder. could be wrong. lastly, his look in 3rd rock always reminded me of the dude in dazed and confused. these are all of my JGL thoughts. thanks for stirring them within me, chelsea.

  • Anonymous

    Sexually apt.  Check.

    Ladies just listen to his Love Line interview for KROQ.

  • Anonymous

    Sexually apt.  Check.

    Ladies just listen to his Love Line interview for KROQ.

  • Anonymous

    Sexually apt.  Check.

    Ladies just listen to his Love Line interview for KROQ.

  • Anonymous

    Sexually apt.  Check.

    Ladies just listen to his Love Line interview for KROQ.

  • Anonymous

    Sexually apt.  Check.

    Ladies just listen to his Love Line interview for KROQ.

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