How To Be A Real-Life Carrie Bradshaw

Do you like having sex with near-strangers? Do you like casually dating people until something better comes along, regardless of their feelings for you? Most importantly, do you have no concept of personal privacy, or respect for the privacy of people who pass through your lives?

Well, it’s time you stop just putting yourself at heightened risk for STDs and start making some money off of this untapped well of fame and fortune! Become a sex columnist and let the world know just how fabulous your life really is! If Carrie Bradshaw taught us anything, aside from the fact that men will still flock to you even if you’re a self-centered harpy stuck in a bridge troll’s scraggly body, it’s that writing about all the boning you’re doing is the fast track to the life you’ve always dreamed of.

I mean, let’s be honest, this is why you moved to the City. Why else would you suffer the filth, the overcrowding, and the near-dadaist rent levels if you weren’t looking to take an entire Princeton MBA class worth of dick — and then describe it to tens of thousands of strangers?! How else does one empower and distinguish themselves in a big City, if not by telling the City at large just how unimpressive Mr. Last Night’s penis was, and how you’re gonna settle for nothing less than 10 inches next time? Trick question — that’s the only way! The true mark of self-fulfillment and independence as a lady is being able to describe, with impunity, the exact duration and intensity of your last mediocre screw!

And to those who might protest, “But I respect my privacy and the intimacy I share with another person, no matter how fleeting their time in my life, and wouldn’t want to put that kind of a spotlight on something that my partner or I might be so self-conscious about. Just talking to my friends is fine for me.” I say — LOL ok Pope Benedict, why don’t you go get a chastity belt down at the Renaissance Festival and call me when you touch a boobie in 30 years. AMIRITE?!

In all seriousness though, what other profession would allow you to glorify your budding alcoholism, objectify the people that pass through your bedroom and your social group, and afford you walk-in closets full of the latest fashions? None! Why, throw in a promotional deal with a sex-toy shop and you’ve got what I imagine waits just behind St. Peter at the pearly gates.

And for those of you who are getting a little long in the tooth to be running around the City with your underwear around your ankles, those of you who have hit the snooze button on your biological clock so many times you broke your wrist, I say — no big deal! Carrie was doing this into her mid-thirties, and you, too, can wrap yourself in the sex column like a warm, fluid-covered blanket. You, too, can coquettishly mock the assembly line of dates you farmed off of Match.com — the ones who fall into the “Okay, yeah, I guess” category — as you suppress the knowledge that you would marry a tree stump if it had a 401k and a decent head of hair. You are a lady — there’s no reason you shouldn’t be viciously gossiping about your sexual conquests as you near 40.

Being a sex columnist is sexy, it is enthralling, it is empowering. It is everything you dreamed of as a little girl, having your tea parties with your stuffed animals as you criticized them on their outfits and told them the gory details of the boy you kissed at summer camp last year. It will provide you with limitless income, endless invitations to parties, and most importantly — a snarky justification for why you are still so very single. Sign up now at The New York Star, we’re waiting.

Note: Men need not apply, there’s already one Tucker Max and he is misogynistic and repulsive enough. TC mark

image – Sex and the City

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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More From Thought Catalog

  • http://twitter.com/i9M Michael B

    Gay men need not apply as well: there’s Ryan O’Connell. 

  • Guest

    carrie bradshaw is the worst fictional human being ever.

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

    We’d all be better off if we pretended this abomination of a TV Show, and every dumb bitch who invaded NYC trying to live like they were on it, never existed.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      see also: http://www.umbrella-d.com/dating-and-relationships/904-sex-and-the-city-

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      see also: http://www.umbrella-d.com/dating-and-relationships/904-sex-and-the-city-

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      see also: http://www.umbrella-d.com/dating-and-relationships/904-sex-and-the-city-

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        … and this, for the number crunching: http://the-frenemy.com/post/5366472538/carrie-bradshaw-math

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        … and this, for the number crunching: http://the-frenemy.com/post/5366472538/carrie-bradshaw-math

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        … and this, for the number crunching: http://the-frenemy.com/post/5366472538/carrie-bradshaw-math

  • http://mytwoweeksnotice.wordpress.com/ Dyan

    Ahem, Tucker Max is misogynistic?  Pot, meet kettle.

    • Herp Derp

      I kind of feel like that was the point.

    • Herp Derp

      I kind of feel like that was the point.

  • http://mytwoweeksnotice.wordpress.com/ Dyan

    Ahem, Tucker Max is misogynistic?  Pot, meet kettle.

  • http://www.facebook.com/antoniowatson Antonio Watson

    So… a woman who does this is empowered, yet a man who does this is immediately “misogynistic and repulsive”? Tucker Max notwithstanding, I take issue with this.

    • Annie_Chan5

      Because the author was definitely serious about how this makes you empowered.

    • Annie_Chan5

      Because the author was definitely serious about how this makes you empowered.

  • http://www.facebook.com/antoniowatson Antonio Watson

    So… a woman who does this is empowered, yet a man who does this is immediately “misogynistic and repulsive”? Tucker Max notwithstanding, I take issue with this.

  • Mila Jaroniec

    Chelsea Fagan and the quintessential biological clock.

  • J Faith

    It’s just a TV show, and I think Carrie’s ridiculous and unrealistic life is what makes so many women enjoy her character and the show. A lot of twenty- and thirty-something women in NY sleep around, but the fact that Carrie Bradshaw does so while wearing a wardrobe and living in an apartment that no columnist can afford makes the show a fun little fantasy. No big deal, really.

  • J Faith

    It’s just a TV show, and I think Carrie’s ridiculous and unrealistic life is what makes so many women enjoy her character and the show. A lot of twenty- and thirty-something women in NY sleep around, but the fact that Carrie Bradshaw does so while wearing a wardrobe and living in an apartment that no columnist can afford makes the show a fun little fantasy. No big deal, really.

  • Max

    Very nicely done. Just out of curiosity – you know there’s no such thing as a Princeton MBA, right? Just checking if that’s a very clever reference, or just a miss.

  • Max

    Very nicely done. Just out of curiosity – you know there’s no such thing as a Princeton MBA, right? Just checking if that’s a very clever reference, or just a miss.

  • http://www.facebook.com/OlgaBoyko Olga Boyko

    Slut shame much? BTW, welcome to 2001, Chelsea Fagan!

    • Comme on

      Omg shut the fuck up that show that show was humiliating for women, this is dead on. Carrie’s not a slut, she’s a terrible human being.

      • guesst

        Yeah, it was a terrible show, and Carrie was a terrible human being, but that doesn’t excuse comments like this one: ” Well, it’s time you stop just putting yourself at heightened risk for
        STDs and start making some money off of this untapped well of fame and
        fortune!”  That is not judging her for being a terrible person, it is judging her decision to have sex with men.  That is called slut-shaming.

      • guesst

        Yeah, it was a terrible show, and Carrie was a terrible human being, but that doesn’t excuse comments like this one: ” Well, it’s time you stop just putting yourself at heightened risk for
        STDs and start making some money off of this untapped well of fame and
        fortune!”  That is not judging her for being a terrible person, it is judging her decision to have sex with men.  That is called slut-shaming.

      • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

        Um I think it’s judging her for putting herself at heightened risk for STDs and not being smart enough to make some money for it. Duh.

      • A woman

        No, it was judging her for objectifying the men she slept with and invading their privacy by telling the whole world about them. There are plenty of women who have casual sex without doing what Carrie did. Carrie was bad because she disrespected her conquests, not because she slept with them.

      • devin

        carrie was….not a real….person. just wanted to clarify.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=796930187 Arushi Khosla

        You do realize that she didn’t use their real names in the paper? I…what is wrong with you? They said the real names on the show so we knew wtf she was talking about.

        I mean…

      • guesst

        Yeah, it was a terrible show, and Carrie was a terrible human being, but that doesn’t excuse comments like this one: ” Well, it’s time you stop just putting yourself at heightened risk for
        STDs and start making some money off of this untapped well of fame and
        fortune!”  That is not judging her for being a terrible person, it is judging her decision to have sex with men.  That is called slut-shaming.

      • guesst

        Yeah, it was a terrible show, and Carrie was a terrible human being, but that doesn’t excuse comments like this one: ” Well, it’s time you stop just putting yourself at heightened risk for
        STDs and start making some money off of this untapped well of fame and
        fortune!”  That is not judging her for being a terrible person, it is judging her decision to have sex with men.  That is called slut-shaming.

      • Clare

        she’s also a fictional character…relax. 

    • Publius

      sluts deserved to be shamed. if you disagree, you’re probably a slut

      • guesst

        You deserve to be shamed, for being such a misogynist asshole.

  • Guest

    “What other profession would allow you to glorify your budding alcoholism” and “objectify the people who pass through your bedroom and your social group?” Carrie Bradshaw is a newspaper columnist and freelance writer. So basically the 2001 equivalent of a Thought Catalog writer, no?

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

  • sparksalt

    this is fucking stupid and you are a feminist loser

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