Where The Good Guys Are: A Guided Tour

The true puzzle of our time, the question that leaves so many otherwise intelligent women and gay men scratching their heads with all of the earnest obliviousness of a cheerleader, that riddle of riddles: Where are all the good guys? Let me tell you, they exist. Those elusive little unicorns of the healthy savings account and calling you back in a reasonable amount of time can, indeed, be found. One just needs to know where to look. Allow me to take you on a mystical journey through their natural habitats. Allow me to be your Bear Grylls of finding guys who are happy to meet your parents. Follow me.

1. He will be at school/ work: It kind of sucks to think about, but if you are looking for someone who takes even the slightest interest in his future/ the mark he will one day leave on the world, and is not content to just write four opening pages of a new novel every year, he’s probably going to be busy sometimes. He will be in libraries, staying late at work, going home relatively early on the weekdays, and generally getting shit done. Wouldn’t it be so much sexier to ride off into the sunset on a motorcycle, arms wrapped around a spindly guitarist who is secretly boning your best friend? Oh, yes, it would. But good guys will be putting all of that extra sleep energy into taking out the trash, waiting for you at the doctor, and listening to you talk about your feelings. Your feelings.

2. He will not be at gross clubs: No truly good guy frequents any place with a 20 dollar cover for men and 15 dollar cocktails. He doesn’t hang out where the only playlist is David Guetta, David Guetta, and MORE DAVID GUETTA. He doesn’t feel comfortable in a place called “Platinum” or “Red Russian” or “Bungalow 9 and 3/4” or wherever you’re going to make a fool of yourself on the weekends. And I’m the first to admit, I love going out with the girls occasionally and dancing in a small solar system around the prettiest one and retiring to the bathrooms every 30 minutes. But I am under no illusions that my future husband lurks amongst the bros, frat boys, and egregiously under-buttoned men lingering around the perimeter of the dance floor. The best you can hope for with a guy you meet at a club is that he won’t vomit on you on the taxi ride over to his place for the horrifying one-night-stand.

3. He will be clawing fruitlessly at the walls of the friend zone: If we’re going to get real about things, we should just all collectively admit that the truly good guys who have passed through/ awkwardly remain a part of our lives have been quickly, neatly, and firmly placed into the friendzone. Mike just loves you so much, and you love him, too — he is like the brother you never had. You can fall asleep on the same bed after hours of conversation about the guys you’re interested in and not ever touch, not even once! In all seriousness, though, eventually we’re going to have to accept that the men we’re happy to reject when we’re 22 and surrounded by hot, emotionally deceptive chain smokers is going to be the man we would kill for when our biological clocks are ticking so loud we can’t hear ourselves think anymore. At least put the poor guy on a five-year plan.

4. He will not be looking at your blog: In case you actually did manage to fall for a nice guy, find him and decide, despite how dreadfully responsible and loving he is, to want him back — simply calling out over the plains of the internet won’t do. In no alternate universe will the guy you want see that Death Cab quote on your Tumblr and say to himself, “Oh my god! ‘They thought it less like a lake, and more like a moat’? I LOVE HER, TOO!!!!” No. The world does not work like that, and you can’t blame the good guy for not reaching out to you and risking the venomous, fatal sting of a young female rejection if the only information you’re giving for him to go on is, “He’s got a love like woe </3.”

5. He will not be attending super-cool events: I don’t want to make generalizations here, but let’s just say that a rough 97 percent of all men who care if they were photographed at the right party, are wearing the coolest kind of sneaker, or lose sleep over their Twitter follower count are going to hit it and quit it after two weeks maximum. I know that we all like to imagine that the sexy, interesting, incredibly well-dressed men who woo us at bars with their thrilling career in social media and friendship with Tyler the Creator will do anything but make us feel like gerbil droppings, but they won’t. They do not love us, they love themselves. And rightfully so, someone has to obsess over whether or not they’re getting red carpet access at that bullshit premiere. Occasionally men who have attained this kind of fame can hold onto their intelligence, their cunning, and their compassion — but I contest that it is so rare as to be impossible. One could argue James Franco stands as a shining example, but let’s be real, that man is not a human being. TC mark

image – Jes

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    Excellent. 

  • http://kharlamovaa.wordpress.com Arina Kharlamova

    So perfect, so hilarious. WHY YU NO WIN AWARDS?

    My fave is, “David Guetta, David Guetta, and MORE DAVID GUETTA.”

  • http://twitter.com/sexytypewriter Sofi P.

    This is all kinds of truthiness.

  • macgyver51

    She speaks truth.

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    A friend of my employers dated James Franco. He allegedly beat the crap out of her. 

  • Thegirlwhofellasleep

    What

  • Mashka

    the good guys are often completely unavailable and that’s what sucks the most 

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    James Franco is probably not a good choice for a “nice guy” comparison but hey… they can’t all be Ryan Gosling.

  • Guest

    If Chelsea Fagan could overcome her crippling smugness and hectoring tone,  her pieces would almost be readable. Well, not that SlutWalk one.

    • Kelly collins

      Lol you’re a dick bro, Chelsea is the funniest writer on this site. Quit hatin.

      • EP

        In what world? Ryan O’Conn wins every time. But I love this article still!

      • Guestropod

        Chelsea is smarter and funnier than Ryan O’C, but also more of a douche.  She just has more of whatever quality.  

      • Guesticus

        Agreed. Chelsea is the better writer objectively, but Ryan has more mass appeal.

        MEANWHILE KAT GEORGE TALKS ABOUT EATING USED TAMPONS

      • iamabear

        that is why she will always be my favorite. Kat George is the Norah from Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist of ThoughtCatalog! That makes Ryan the Dev and Chelsea the Tris. Sorry Chelsea.

      • notholdencaulfield

        chelsea wins. lyfe hatin’ > weeping about life.

    • Guest

      I was pissed the SlutWalk one got pulled and actually enjoyed it.

  • Enah Cruz

    This is. RIGHT ON.

  • Anonymous

    http://www.lovetoshopping.org  Cheapest Vans Shoes,Tiffany Jewelry Company,Wholesale Hollister Clothing 

  • Sneha

    Okay, now thats reassuring that there are really good guys somewhere :) I had lost all hope of finding one! Thanks Chelsa!

  • Sirene

    But what about women who do all of #5?

  • Guestropod

    IDK, man, people who get put in the friendzone permanently with no takesies-backsies tend to be ugmos.  At least as far as I’m concerned.  

  • Em

    wait wait wait. are you saying the guy i’m grinding up on DOESN’T want a relationship with me?
    sigh

  • http://twitter.com/kaimcn Kai

    This is a good’er Ryan. Please consider sending it to school of various levels so that people get the damn point early on.

  • Anonymous

    I don’t buy it. You just gave four points on where we won’t find guys.

    • Ali

      Yes!  Please give places where they might also be.. such as, they’re at work, but if not at my work, might I find them in the grocery store? Walmart vs. Target? Aisles 14-18, but not 6-10 perhaps? I need specifics.

    • Ali

      Yes!  Please give places where they might also be.. such as, they’re at work, but if not at my work, might I find them in the grocery store? Walmart vs. Target? Aisles 14-18, but not 6-10 perhaps? I need specifics.

  • Lawbstar

    This article is a bunch of pretentious crap. If a guy I was dating said he was friends with Tyler the Creator (aka mr. I raped her and her and her) I would RUN. 

  • Lawbstar

    ps. RYAN GOSLING>JAMES FRANCO. If you go after the James Franco type then I don’t feel bad for you. It means you are just attracted to pretentious hipstery bleary-eyed self important pricks.

    • Anonymous

      pretentious hipstery bleary-eyed self important pricks = ♥

  • Anna

    Look! Chelsea Fagan heard about Odd Future somewhere and now drops them in her articles in places that don’t make any sense.

  • Deirdre

    really so true.. loving the death cab quotes!

  • Kirsten McEvoy

    I met my awesome, wonderful nice guy boyfriend at a rock club, for what it’s worth.

  • SomeDude

    I personally know a girl who dated James Franco, and he is not all that he seems.  Str8 dope.

  • perrysalyer

    Seriously, this is so me. I’m that guy that this is about except I would love reason Death Cab quotes.

    • PerryDsalyer

      *would love reading* wow, I’m sleepy.

  • annie

    i really appreciate this, thanks.

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