If you grew up looking forward to running home from school, eating three packs of Dunkaroos, and watching as many cartoons as your parents would physically allow you — you have truly tasted the sweetest fruits that life has to offer. In your mind, you may have been anyone from Angelica Pickles all the way down to Stoop Kid, but no matter who you were, I bet I know a thing or two about you.
Let’s be honest, you probably really looked forward to the book fairs at school. You liked learning, brushing your teeth, going to bed at 8 p.m., and being nice to your younger siblings. You probably also watched a fair amount of Reading Rainbow/ Between the Lions, and may have been aware enough at nine years old to know what the hell kind of animal Arthur was. (Edit: Wikipedia is informing me that he was an Aardvark. LOL right, that’s totally what those animals look like.)
You were cool, you were hip, and you fully accepted that Arnold just wore a skirt over his jeans for some reason. You were riding public transportation by yourself at 7, and were totally down to play pickup basketball with the neighborhood hobos. The idea of growing up in a boarding house with manic-depressive Eastern European immigrants and your senile grandparents seems appealing to you. There is a strong chance you are now living in Brooklyn.
Rocko’s Modern Life
I’m actually not sure, looking back, what level most children (including myself) enjoyed Rocko on, because about 83 percent of the jokes seem to be geared towards adults. That being said, you probably had the vague but reassuring sense that you “got” things, even at the tender age of ten. If your favorite episode is the one where they try to run Wacky Deli off the air so Ralph Bighead could pursue his art, but they keep making it more and more popular with art critics — you are, today, an incredibly pretentious hipster.
You are a toolbro of the highest order. Woogity woogity.
Ren and Stimpy
There was a firm, palpable divide amongst 90s kids, one that separated us into two distinct camps that would forever shape who we are as human beings: Kids whose parents lets them watch Ren and Stimpy, and kids whose parents didn’t. I fell into the former category (my parents usually watched it with me — they liked it much more than I did), but most of my friends fell into the latter. And, honestly, I can see where their parents were going with that. If at seven years old, the kinds of themes and images going on on that program were your favorite thing on television… well, I don’t want to say too much about you. I’d rather not shake that wasp’s nest. I’m sure you’re cool, and you pay your taxes on time and everything.
You didn’t know it at the time, but you were in for a lifetime of being friendzoned and wearing Dockers. If you identified with Doug, you probably got relatively good grades and weren’t a first-round draft pick for kickball. Also, you thought black people were turquoise until college.
You do your fair share of drugs, and I wouldn’t be surprised if you still watched this show. In fact, if KaBlam! was your favorite show, I’m not sure how you could fully enjoy any other program on television before or since.
Ahh! Real Monsters
Following your love for this program, you went through a heavy Invader Zim phase where you spent more time than any human ever should in and around Hot Topic. People didn’t “get” you, and they likely still don’t. You have an appreciation for the macabre, for the grotesque, and for the fact that when you watched Pan’s Labyrinth for the first time you were like “Oh, right, creepy pale guy holding his eyeballs in his hands NEVER SEEN THAT ONE BEFORE.”
Ed, Edd N Eddy
There are more bongs in your apartment than kitchen appliances.
You didn’t have friends, but, man, did you have a lot of Pokemon cards. This show became like a religion to you, taking over your entire life. There was no such thing as a “casual Pokemon fan.” You either were or you weren’t, and you accepted the general ostracizing from mainstream middle-school society that came with it. Your classmates didn’t understand you, and they probably still don’t, but one day Dragonite is going to fly down from that lighthouse thing and take you away to where everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.
Yeah, no one watched that tripe.