What Kinds Of Girlfriends Musicians Would Be, Judging By Their Songs

So, now that we’ve established what the men who croon to us over the radio would be like at dinner every night, it’s time to address some of the ladies who have permeated our lives with their sweet, delicate voices and affinity for comparing your love to various inanimate objects.

Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift would love you so, so very much, but she would never, ever tell you about it. She would, however, have the world’s most emotionally draining Tumblr, all secretly dedicated to you. Seriously, that thing would be covered top to bottom with blurry pictures of trees and sayings like “When you find the one worth your tears, he won’t make you cry.” Her Facebook statuses would be a veritable museum of cheesy, passive-agressive song lyrics that she hopes, in the depths of her Robert Pattinson poster-plastered bedroom, you will notice and recognize are about you. Ideally, you’d reveal your undying love for her (in the rain, on a horse, wearing a white tuxedo if you could) and sweep her off to endless nights of no premarital sex.

Avril Lavigne

Avril would stay up all night with you on the phone, twirling the chord around her fingers and kicking her Invader Zim-slippered feet back and forth as she lay on her stomach. When she got off the phone, you would pick her up and she would crawl down from her window and you guys would run around your town, spraying graffiti on various federal buildings in the shapes of skulls, Hello Kitty, and hearts with arrows through them. You guys would swig vodka out of a Deer Park bottle and throw eggs at your principal’s house. Her adorably punky little demeanor would just intoxicate you and make you forget every adult concern. But then you’d remember that she’s like, thirty, and it wouldn’t seem so cute or mercurial anymore.

Beyonce

Beyonce would be that high-maintenance girl that is just so incredibly beautiful that you continue to indulge her increasingly ridiculous whims because you cannot believe you scored someone so many light years away from your league. Just seeing her every morning would destroy your self-esteem and remind you that, no matter how far you get in life, you will never be good enough for her. You’d find yourself one day at 4 in the morning, having driven two states away, not having slept for almost three nights, staring at a row of lip glosses in the only pharmacy you could find open, trying to remember which flavor she preferred and deeply fearing bringing her Sparkle Peach when she clearly stated Diamond Raspberry. You would break out into heaving sobs and decide you need to break it off for your own mental health.

Kreayshawn

Kreayshawn would be the girl that secretly turns you on in ways you’ve never before experienced, but whom you know you’ll never be able to introduce to your family/ friends. You would have to constantly come up with reasons why she can’t be exposed to the outside world, and always be gently encouraging her to maybe not be so… whatever she is. Eventually, you’d cave and agree to take her to an outing at a baseball game with some of your friends, and she would bring fifty of her closest, most humiliating friends who can’t stop yelling racial slurs and urinating on the floor, and you’d end it on the basis that you just “don’t see it going anywhere serious.”

Ke$ha

Your money would start disappearing in small increments from your wallet. She would be the girl you dread going out with on weekends, as you know the night will invariably end with her in tears, vomiting as you drag her, shoeless, into the passenger seat of your car. She would be constantly accusing other people of being “Just fucking jealous of how hot [she] is” as she stumbles, hungover and unshowered, in front of a group of seniors at a church pancake breakfast. Also, she would give you chlamydia.

Nicki Minaj

No one has ever had sex with Nicki Minaj more than one time, as she eats her mates post-coitus.

Adele

You would have a relatively uneventful, entirely decent six-month relationship with Adele which ends in a rather unspectacular way, when you both decide that the long-distance thing probably won’t work when you decide to take that consulting job in Aspen. Then, Adele would proceed to enter a period of righteous mourning that is three times as long as the relationship itself, in which she unites with her friends for repeated nights of “I Will Survive” on karaoke, entire bottles of red wine, and free-form poetry on her blog that seems like it must be talking about you. She will constantly refer to herself as having “emerged stronger” and “not been broken.” You will ask for your Strokes t-shirt and favorite coffee mug back, she will inform you that she “burned them, like you burned the last traces of [her] human dignity.” You’ll manage to eke out a slight, defeated “Aww, come on, man.”TC mark

image – Avril Lavigne

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Tara Roy

    “No one has ever had sex Nicki Minaj” should be “No one has ever had sex WITH Nicki Minaj”

    • Robert L.

      I’m guessing she ate the “with” too.

    • hannah

      yeah yeah yeah big deal grammar freak

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      BFD

  • Tara Roy

    “No one has ever had sex Nicki Minaj” should be “No one has ever had sex WITH Nicki Minaj”

  • Tara Roy

    “No one has ever had sex Nicki Minaj” should be “No one has ever had sex WITH Nicki Minaj”

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    Thoroughly enjoyed this. Where’s Lana Del Rey!

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    hahahaha LOVED this! The Nikki Minaj part alone was fantastic.

  • Afrotitanium

    Hahaaaaa, the Beyonce and Avril lavigne parts are way true… O_o

  • hannah

    this was enjoyable.

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    The Kreayshawn and Ke$ha bits are so spot on. 

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    “she would bring fifty of her closest, most humiliating friends who can’t stop yelling racial slurs and urinating on the floor”i’ve always wondered how i felt about kreayshawn, and you’ve just worded her existence perfectly. nudes!!! http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lqoaxkAAeA1qjo7rfo2_500.jpg

  • Ghandi

    this is LITERALLY fucking PERFECT.

  • http://mrianmbelcurry.tumblr.com/ Mr. Ian M. Belcurry

    this is funny

  • Guest

    NICKI MINAJ

  • http://www.facebook.com/ivanavi Ivan Dutton

    You’ll manage to eke out a slight, defeated “Aww, come on, man.” HAHAHAHAHA soooo true

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    Chelsea Fagan, I’m your #1 fan
    Don’t ever stop writing your hilarious yet true articles!

  • Link

    What about Gaga and Rihanna?

  • http://twitter.com/MerDiann Meredith H

    I think you’re my favorite TC writer; but then again I also just really like your name.

  • Elaine Huang

    I love this!!!

  • Annie

    I love this! Taylor Swift seems like she would be the most emotionally-draining, stage 5 clinger type girlfriend. The Avril Lavigne one “then you would remember that she’s like…30” hahahaha

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