What Kinds Of Boyfriends Musicians Would Be, Judging By Their Songs

I guess we can never fully know anyone, really. But if a man is going so far as to give us a little peek into his soul every time someone plays the right chords, I think we may have a pretty good idea of what he’s like behind closed doors. There’s only so many times a guy can tell you exactly how deep he’s going to love you (is that a metaphor, you Saucy McSaucertons!?) before you start to figure it’s probably pretty deep.

Drake

Drake is going to love you really hard, but he’s going to be extremely conflicted about it. Probably a lot of self-hate, maybe a lot of pints of Haagen Dazs watching Craig Ferguson in his “leave me alone” bathrobe. He’s going to want to give you everything that’s in his soul, but then he’s going to turn around and ask you if you’re really here for him, or just trying to catch a little of that Jimmy from Degrassi fame. Drizzy just wants you to be straight with him, he’s man enough to take it (but only kind of, don’t be too hard on him). Also, as he’s Canadian, he’ll probably be pretty polite when ordering at restaurants.

Bruno Mars

Bruno Mars would get friendzoned into oblivion by every girl he even looked at too long. He just thinks you so beautiful, damnit, and he wants to take care of you and make you feel like the princess you are. He wants to make you ravioli and compliment your mother’s Ann Taylor dresses. He wants to rub your feet and tell you not to worry about what the other girls are doing. You would refer to Bruno as “nice” and “so sweet” and “the kind of guy you’re totally going to marry someday,” and then leave him for the guy with the coke addiction and four dollars in checking.

Conor Oberst

Conor Oberst would never stop crying.

Trey Songz

Trey Songz would love you down in so many ways you would become clinically insane. His lovemaking will, in chronological order, start the New World Order, reunite Pangaea, and rid the world of disease. Trey Songz would be the guy with whom you spend an amazing week and a half who proceeds to act as though he’s never met or even heard of you. He would also sleep with your better-looking younger sister, and possibly your mother.

Jason Mraz

Jason would smoke a lot of pot, forget to pay his half of the electric bill, and not show up to your art show you’ve been bugging him about for weeks. He would have a lot of really lofty ideas about your love, and he’d have this impish, child-like demeanor that makes you almost forget all of your material problems. He would spend all afternoon one day making baklava for you because he knows you like it, but then you’d come home and the cat would be dead because he hadn’t fed it for the two weeks you were away. It wouldn’t end very well.

Ray LaMontagne

Ray would be a tender-yet-gritty soul that makes endless love to you on camping trips, could skin and prepare any matter of wild game, and had been hurt before so deeply that all you want to do is hold him to your chest and let his wild man-beard tickle your cleavage. Ray would know how to treat you, but he would constantly be just a step out of reach. In fact, his raspy, lived-in voice would prevent you from understanding about 30 percent of what he actually said.

Eminem

Eminem wouldn’t ever actually abuse you physically, because that would be wrong, but he would talk about it so much that you’d find yourself calling a help line anyway. When you guys got into your nightly screaming matches in which you hurl another full set of Ikea flatware at each other from across the dining room, he would end them by coming over to you and telling you, through stifled man-tears, how no one will ever love you the way he does. Also, if you got too pushy, he would take you out into the woods and kill you.

Ben Gibbard

Ben would be the wordsmith who opened your eyes to so much nuance about the world around you, yet would take up four of your five week nights asking you to read the poetry he wrote on the bus. Things with him would start out wonderfully, and you’d talk to all your girlfriends about this amazing new guy who just “gets it,” but by week five or six you’d be begging for a guy with a fourth-grade vocabulary, so long as he could take out the trash or mow the lawn once in a while.

Tyler the Creator

N/a*

*To be updated when Tyler loses his virginity. TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    This is my favorite thing you’ve written. Hands down. 

    • Anonymous

      Thanks! Why do you get a fancy blue star? I want a fancy blue star.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=508371039 Rayan Khayat

        I like writer on writer comments

      • Maxwell Smart

        Oh yeah. Writer-on-writer makes me HAWT.

      • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

        I get it cuz I’m single and need to attract bros. Not actual bros, just men in general. 

      • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

        I get it cuz I’m single and need to attract bros. Not actual bros, just men in general. 

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    This is my favorite thing you’ve written. Hands down. 

  • http://omgstephlol.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    This is my favorite thing you’ve written. Hands down. 

  • RicePaperPlant

    Oh, now I really, really like this. How very, very unusual.

  • RicePaperPlant

    Oh, now I really, really like this. How very, very unusual.

  • RicePaperPlant

    Oh, now I really, really like this. How very, very unusual.

  • Anon

    You should’ve said something about John Mayer. Not that enough hasn’t already been said, but y’know.

    • anon

      omg a thousand times yes

  • Anon

    You should’ve said something about John Mayer. Not that enough hasn’t already been said, but y’know.

  • Anonymous

    chelsea fagan, you might be one of the funniest gals I’ve ever read

    no homo

    • http://twitter.com/queenofcatnaps Allison Hauser

      yes homo

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=612928768 Samie Rose

    Poor Conor. :c

  • http://twitter.com/fuckpicnics Zoe Young

    all musicians are bad boyfriends

  • saritapatrice

    Aww, my poor Conor, lol.
    LOL @ Ray LaMontagne, though.

  • Mashka

    haha love this! Also love the shout out to Drake’s previous life as Jimmy from Degrassi. I seriously cannot unsee his Degrassi character everytime he raps. Like, why is he not in a wheelchair? Why isn’t he rapping about how he can’t get it up for his girlfriend Ashley? 

  • mashka

    also i’m not sure i could get past Conor’s quivering voice. Like how is that sexy.

    • danielle

      uh how is it NOT!

  • bravo

    I loved this! Please write more stuff that’s not about you/related to you. 

  • http://twitter.com/tannnyaya Tanya Salyers

    Love the Tyler the Creator part! 

    and Conor Oberst would most DEFINITELY cry.

  • http://twitter.com/queenofcatnaps Allison Hauser

    SO. ACCURATE.
    Five gold stars for you, Glen Coco, you go, Glen Coco.

    • Jaijd

      Unexpected Mean Girls reference for the big Friday Win!

      • http://twitter.com/queenofcatnaps Allison Hauser

        all day err’day

  • Josh Gondelman

    Chelsea, seriously, why did you move in with Jason Mraz? You’ve seen his collection of black light posters! RED FLAG!

    Super funny piece!

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    eminem <3

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    eminem <3

  • https://twitter.com/iamthepuddles Jordana Bevan

    eminem <3

  • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

    Cannot stop laughing about the Tyler comment. Or the ending for poor Bruno.

  • Kelcie Moseley

    I have totally thought those same things about Bruno Mars! This is great.

  • Your Friend

    I love the idea of Ray LaMontagne

  • http://twitter.com/YocastaArias Yocasta Arias

    Oh my god, this was so funny, and I have a feeling, surprisingly accurate.

blog comments powered by Disqus