The 10 Least Sexy R&B Lyrics

R&B is such a truly wonderful genre of music. The sheer, blinding earnestness of so many people trying not only to market sex itself, but how sexy they are as individuals, is something to be admired. It’s strange, almost surreal, watching so many grown men declare, insist, that they are incredible at the act of lovemaking. And frankly, it’s really awesome music. Sure, it’s absolutely ridiculous to even consider having sex to something so overtly “sexy,” (who could ever live up to the pressure that Ginuine is putting on the situation?) but it’s great to listen to. Sometimes, however, in an effort to tell us just how sexy they are, the artists come across a bit… awkward. It’s like when the unattractive girl wears a shirt that says “HOTT” in rhinestones across her chest. You just… want to look away.

1. R. Kelly, “Sweet Tooth”

I’m all up in your middle
Ooh it taste like Skittles
I’m just keepin’ it real with you
Girl I got a sweet tooth

Gotta open things up with R. Kelly, whose hobbies include writing 96-volume hip hoperas and peeing on schoolchildren. And he does not disappoint with one of his more vividly metaphorical songs, in which every single lyric is a reference to oral sex cloaked in desserts. Imagine if Willy Wonka was posting in the “Casual Encounters” section of Craigslist. When will men stop comparing a woman’s distinct flavor to candy/ sweets? We do not taste like Skittles, Swiss Cake Rolls, Hershey’s Kisses, Twizzlers, Milk Duds, Nerds Ropes, Rice Krispie Treats, or Three Musketeers. Just say “vaguely umami and sometimes more pleasant than others” and get it over with.

2. Janet Jackson, “Feedback”

Flyer than a pelican find another chick better than, I don’t see her
‘Cause my swag is serious
Something heavy like a first-day period

This song may lean the most towards pop of the list, but I contest that the lyrics are up there with the big boys. I may be in the minority amongst my colleagues here in not so vividly enjoying everything menstrual, but I refuse to concede that, under any circumstance, bleeding out of your vagina is an acceptable representation of how cool/ attractive/ appealing you are. These lyrics are gross, Janet Jackson, and I want you to apologize for them.

3. Trey Songz, “Love Faces”

Making love faces, making love faces
Shadows on the wall while the candles burnin’
Messin’ up the bed while you sweatin’ out your perm and
Making love faces, making love faces

Trey Songz has made a career out of telling women, in no uncertain terms, just how God-like his sexual prowess is, and occasionally sculpting his facial hair. His hands are made entirely out of orgasms, and he ejaculates unicorns, according to his first two albums. This song, however, puts a spotlight on the more unfortunate aspects of lovemaking. Sweating out your perm? Making love faces? I don’t know what image “love faces” conjures up in your mind, but it makes me think of the most unfortunate, contorted movements of coitus that we all pretend we don’t actually see each other make. Trey, however, treasures them. And will pay for a replacement perm.

4. Young Money, “Bedrock”

Okay, I get it, let me think — I guess it’s my turn
Maybe it’s time to put this pussy on your sideburns
He say I’m bad, he probably right
He pressing me like button downs on a Friday night

Nicki Minaj definitely graduated from the Khia school of “Look At How Sexy I Am. LOOK AT IT.” Her come-ons are more threats than anything else, usually. “You WILL please Queen Minaj, little man, and you will not enjoy it. You will fulfill your duties, you will obey.” I just picture her conquests being thrown into some kind of giant volcano, one after the other. Here, she’s going to put her genitals on the side of your face/ ear, and it will be the most glorious day of your life.

5. Pretty Ricky, “Playhouse”

I’ll be your Jamaican lover, strokin’ in ya patois
I’ll be your Mexican lover, bangin’ up your pinata
I’ll be your French lover, got oui oui for your C-double-O chi

Pretty Ricky is refreshing proof that for every Pussycat Dolls we have, there are some men out there willing to degrade themselves just as hard. The shame may be deep, but at least it is mutual between the sexes. And this song, with its ominous beat and intensely unsexy hook, may be their masterpiece. And these lyrics — what are these lyrics? A patois is a language, so I’m going to leave that one alone. He’s going to hit my vagina with a baseball bat until it breaks open and candy goes flying everywhere? Sounds chill. He’s got oui oui for my… he’s got… wee wee? He’s got wee wee for my coochie? Is he five?

6. Silk, “Freak Me”

Baby don’t you understand
I wanna be your nasty man
I wanna make your body scream
And you will know just what I
(You know what I mean)
24-carat gold
To warm the nights when you get cold
I wanna lick you up and down
And then I wanna lay you down

Perhaps one just has to see these people in order to fully appreciate this song. It came at the period when R&B groups made videos all singing in matching silk pajamas and gold chains, and made no bones about how very sexy they thought it all was. These lyrics get points for how explicit and straightforward they are — there is no room for error here. They will, in chronological order, make your body scream, warm you when you get cold, lick you up and down, and lay you down. And, hey, they promise some gold. I hope, can only hope, it comes in chain form.

7. H-Town, “Knockin the Boots”

Aww yea… right about now, we’re in the intermission tip
So all you ladies, go get your towels, you know what I’m saying…
Hah… cause it’s laid out like that, you know?
But wait a minute, we ain’t through. Kick the amp.

I’m gonna start by saying I have absolutely no idea what is going on in this verse. The intermission “tip”? Uh, gross. Go get my towel? Why? Why would I get my towel? What am I cleaning off during this intermission? It’s laid out like what? What is laid out? And oh, okay, forget the towel, and plug in the amp? I’m guessing at H-Town’s Creative Writing MFA program, he missed the section on keeping one’s metaphors consistent. Or sexy.

8. Next, “Too Close”

Step back you’re dancing kinda close
I feel a little poke coming through
On you
Now girl I know you felt it
But boo, you know I can’t help it
You know what I wanna do

I just need to know that everyone had an equal moment of horror when they realized that their beloved middle school dance song was talking about a man poking a woman in the back with his erection. Like, I can’t be the only one on that.

9. Robin Thicke, “Sex Therapy”

I’ll lick you down and make you feel like you ’bout it ’bout it
Ha ha ha ha ha ha, the doctor’s here for you
Take you like Twilight, I’ll bite your neck
You don’t have to stay in the rain, I’ll get you wet, yeah”

Robin Thicke, token white guy of R&B, not wanting to be left out, makes it in the running with a Twilight reference. And the thing is, Robin usually stays relatively classy, and even somewhat endearing. (The man put his wife in the video for his most romantic song as his love interest as he said he “Couldn’t imagine singing it for anyone else.” I’ll give you a moment to swoon.) But I feel like, here, he just turned to the guy next to him on the bus and was like, “What are the ladies into these days? Twilight? That vampire bullshit? Yeah, okay, whatever moves albums.” I can just hear the record scratch as he tells some unsuspecting woman (okay, his wife) that he’s going to “go Twilight on her” during sex. No.

10. R. Kelly, “Feelin’ On Your Booty”

Now your body’s got me feeling like spending
With a back room I could come to live in
And your hair weave’s lookin kinda purty
The way you back it up on me, Gawd have mercy

And where could we end this illustrious list other than back on the glowing shoulders of one R. Kelly? I just want to appreciate the song for its title, the crescendo of falsetto “Bo-Oo-OO-Oo-ty”s he sings at the end, and these lyrics. He at once tells her he is going to live in her ass, that her weave (not her actual hair) is lookin “kinda” purty, and he enjoys the way she walks backwards into his crotch. If that isn’t romance, well, I don’t know what is. TC mark

image – R Kelly

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • macgyver51

    A thousand times yes.

  • Mpiotro2

    Okay, I’m glad someone finally confirmed that “the little poke” coming through was a small erection… I’ve been in denial for years.

  • mashka

    haha love this. My most recent personal favorite ridiculous R&B lyric comes from Lil Wayne & Drake’s hit “With You” — ” Shawty badder than a 3 year old keep playing and imma eat her like a pita roll”. How romantic. I do love pita rolls though. Everytime this song comes on though I just crave hummus and falafel.

    Why can’t all R&B be as simple and romantic as a Boyz II Men song.

    • Kay

      “I’ll make love to you  like you want me to and I’ll hold you tight, baby, all through the night.”

      Boyz II Men= Soft as puppies and kittens.

  • mashka

    I should also mention/admit that I have a playlist on my ipod titled “middle school dance nostalgia” and it does in fact include Next’s “Too Close” along with other hits like K-Ci & Jojo’s “All my Life”, Joe’s “I Wanna Know”, Ginuwine’s “Differences” etc. Brings me right back to the land of awkward slow dances and glow sticks.

  • http://twitter.com/crapface Hannah Foster.

    I was going to say that you missed the incredible ‘It’s going down on aisle three, I’ll bag you like some groceries’. But then I realised, actually, anybody audacious enough to use that probably has at least a small chance of bedding me. 

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=579655125 Burns Exevea

      Ushers lyrics are in no way more worse than R.Kellys. R.Kelly is like the king of crude lyrics. LOL

      • kaylee

        more worse? cool

  • Pepperk86

    hahahaha this is awesome!

  • mashka

    also thanks for referring to R. Kelly’s hiphopera I totally forgot about the cinematic masterpiece that was Trapped in the Closet

  • mashka

    also thanks for referring to R. Kelly’s hiphopera I totally forgot about the cinematic masterpiece that was Trapped in the Closet

  • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

    “I’ll be your Mexican lover, bangin’ up your pinata”

    omg

    • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

      I keep thinking about this and I think it actually is the least sexy thing I’ve ever heard

      • Anonymous

        I need to believe that your name is a reference to Creed from The Office.

      • http://twitter.com/mung_beans Mung Beans

        I won’t spoil it for you!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=9383035 Scott Muska

    Awesome. I can’t even imagine what the research for this must have entailed.

    • Anonymous

      One of the better nights in recent memory, actually. Some of these are old favorites, some are new discoveries. Also, the comments sections on the YouTube videos of some of these warrant their own follow-up article.

    • kaylee

      Sorry for this reference but..
      “This is pretty much the worst video ever made.”
      “Napoleon, like anyone could even know that.”

    • kaylee

      Sorry for this reference but..
      “This is pretty much the worst video ever made.”
      “Napoleon, like anyone could even know that.”

  • Anonymous

    Pssh! Robin Thicke would never take the bus!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=578121488 Matt Patton

    What?! No Marvin Sease aka “The Original Candy Licker”. He made R. Kelly look like Art Garfunkel!

  • guest

    I definitely didn’t pay attention to (or understand) the lyrics to “Too Close” in middle school…or until now. I was always confused as to why some parents were so opposed to us 11-year-olds dancing to that music. Now I know. Thanks.

  • Smd177

    RKelly has about as many unsexy lyrics as he has sexy lyrics, which is why I’m happy he is on this list not once, but twice.

    A third contender is: “Sex in the Kitchen” 

    Cutting up tomatoes, fruits and vegetables and potatoes

    Girl, you look so sexy while you’re doing the damn thang

    I want

    Sex in the kitchen over by the stove

    Put you on the counter by the buttered rolls

    Hands on the table, on your tippy toes

    We’ll be making love like the restaurant was closed

    The mixture of food imagery and sex leaves me conflicted to whether or not I should be hungry or aroused, or both?

  • Kat

    THANK YOU FOR THIS! actually loling. so, so true.

  • Stefanif

    R & B is such a wonderful genre of music, it had to be said twice!! (in the first sentence, no less)

  • http://twitter.com/sophiezhao Sophie Zhao

    You missed this one:

    11. B.O.B., “Nothing On You”

    Baby, you the whole package, plus you pay your taxes
    And you keep it real while them other stay plastic

    Mmmm… fiscal responsibility…. so hot right now.

  • Anonymous
  • Anonymous
  • Audrey

    chelsea. i larfed heartily while reading this (especially the last one) and i just had the fucking worst day ever and basically thought my smile muscles had atrophied from disuse and turned to stone.
     thanks girl.

  • http://www.facebook.com/jess.hurst1 Jess Hurst

    From R. Kelly’s “Sex Planet”:

    Girl, I promise this will be painless, painless
    We’ll take a trip to planet Uranus, Anus

    From R. Kelly’s “The Zoo”:

    It’s like a jungle atmosphere

    And we’re two monkeys baby

    It’s like we’re on a vine

    The way we’re swinging it baby

    See, you’re a tiger girl

    The way you’re scratching me

    I’m a lion

    In this jungle I’m a king

    Girl, I got you so wet

    It’s like a rain forest

    Like Jurassic Park

    Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby

    You and me hopping

    Like two kangaroos

    Rattling and moaning

    Out here in these woods

    ___________________
    But wait! It’s not all about Robert Kelly. Ladies and gentlemen, the most disgusting fucking R&B Slow Jam EVER awaits you. Read on, if you can handle what I’m about to put on ya, boo:

    ‘Get You Wet’ Pretty Ricky & Plies

    Hook:
    Bet if i suck on dat pussy dat’ll get you wet
    An rub my hand on dat clit dat’ll get you wet
    And rub my tounge down ya neck dat’ll get you wet
    bet if i suck on dem tities bet dat’ll get you wet

    Chorus:
    I wanna lick you up (baby)
    I wanna lick you down (baby)
    I wanna make you scream (baby)
    I wanna make you shout (baby)
    I wanna put it in yo guts (baby)
    I wanna make you nut (baby)
    cuz all i wanna do is, cuz all i wanna do is

    [Verse 1: Plies]
    Don’t wanna fuck up ya panties, you better take ’em off
    I’m finna play with ya pussy until I get ya moist
    I can’t fuck ya when ya dry cause that’ll turn m’off
    If I can smell it, baby, then I won’t put it in my mouth
    I wanna suck on ya titties because they look soft
    Do me a favor and keep your legs uncrossed
    So I can lay on ya, dick out, boxers off
    Got ya bitin’ on your lip, cause you can’t talk
    And after I give you this dick, I bet it’ll change your walk
    And Imma play with your clit, want you to pull it out
    Get ya wet first, then Imma fuck ya into a coma
    Long as your pussy stays wet, I can fuck ya how I wanna

    Hook x2

    Chorus

    [Verse 2: Plies]
    If I can’t hear that pussy smackin’ it ain’t wet enough
    Need to be able to hear it when I get you in a buck
    Need to see that peach shinin’ when I open up
    Pussy full of juices, nigga be hittin’ nothin but guts
    Gotta get you leekin’ before we fuck
    Gotta get you off first before I even nut
    I love to run down on a broad that got a soaker
    Super wet pussy, you can hear it when you stroke her
    Nigga’s whole stomach be wet when it’s over
    Gotta throw away my sheets because she left a puddle
    Wet pussy with no smell, a muthafucka
    PUSSY SO WET FEELS LIKE SHE PISSED HERSELF (emphasis mine)
    Pussy already drippin’ she don’t even need my help
    Gotta fuck her on the floor, she leak everywhere
    You can nut and go to sleep, I don’t even care
    A street nigga, wet pussy good for his health

    Hook x2

    Chorus

  • i just can't

    “R&B is such a truly wonderful genre of music. The sheer, blinding earnestness of so many people trying not only to market sex itself, but how sexy they are as individuals, is something to be admired. It’s strange, almost surreal, watching so many grown men declare, insist, that they are incredible at the act of lovemaking.”
    So, this is what R&B boils down to? ::side eye:: do some research

  • kd888

    “And oh, okay, forget the towel, and plug in the amp?” hahahahha

    I laughed at this piece all the way through lol loved it

  • http://goldenday.tumblr.com Kia Etienne

    LMFAO YES! I can never listen to R&B, that shit is just too hilarious!

  • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

    This article should of just been dedicated to R. Kelly. How can we forget ‘Sex Weed’? 

    Girl you got that sex weed
    I just want to hit it all the time
    Sex so good that it gets me high
    Bring that home grown to me

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