Let’s get one thing straight, everyone has some stuff they say on the internet that makes us look like neanderthals with a 56k connection. That said, there are certain terms for which women are the sole offenders. Let’s just get it together at once, ladies, and get rid of these for good.
1. Hubby. Possibly the most egregious of all love-related offenders, this word is used nearly exclusively by young female halves of married/ engaged couples who are just so god damned in love that they want to yell at the very top of their lungs to the internet at large about the Lost marathon they are watching with their significant other.
Hubby is not a person, he doesn’t have feelings or thoughts or a life of his own. He is Hubby. Hubby rubs wifey’s feet, he brings her flowers, he is the best Hubby ever. Things you will often learn about Hubby:
- “Hubby just showed up with my favorite burrito at work!!! Love him!”
- “Who has the best Hubby in the world? Umm, me!”
- “Hubby looks so cute mowing the lawn in his wifebeater!”
- “Can’t wait til Hubby gets home! So much Amazing Race to watch!!”
Don’t say Hubby. Use something more palatable, like Walking Sperm Bank, or Complaint Receptacle.
2. <3. I think we’re all allowed a nice little emoticon/ ASCII drawing every now and again, and <3s are pretty okay, as far as things go. I prefer 8==D 'o', but we can't all be as mature/ artistic as I am. That being said, there should be a staunch limit to how many times girls are allowed to use the <3 in their online expression, and once one exceeds them, I feel like execution is the most humane, efficient punishment. Especially when combined with other decorative flourishes, they render even the most well-constructed thought unbearable to read. Sentences in which you're likely to encounter <3:
- “Going to get my nails done with the girlies <3"
- “<33 Two tix to the Bruno Mars concert, third row <33"
- “<3~~*~~<3 Mmmmm... Chunky Monkey <3~~*~~<3"
- “GIRLS NIGHT <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3"
Fine, continue to use these if you so insist, but just know that it’s making people read whatever you write in Brittany from Daria‘s voice.
3. Wordsssss. Do you have any ideaaaaaa how stupidddd it makes you lookkkkkk when you writeeee like thisssss? It reads like some feminine combination of Drunk Jeff Goldblum and Parseltongue. I mean, how are you even supposed to pronounce the word likeeeeeeee? I could only imagine like you started the word and then were pushed off a building mid-syllable, but perhaps it was just never meant to be vocalized.
And regardless of what you’re trying to convey, extending the last letter of your words only puts that 80s Valley Girl-spin on whatever it is that you’re saying, and immediately drains from it any trace of intelligence/ articulation. For example:
- “I miss youuuuuuuuu.”
- “Omg I loveeeeeee Chelsea Handler, she is hilariousssssss.”
- “It is unnatural for a majority to rule, for a majority can seldom be organized and united for specific action, and a minority cannnnnnnnn.”
Maybe we should limit ourselves to three extra letters at the ends of our words, if we could. Okay, four max. Four.
4. Die. Why do women constantly describe themselves as dying? Why is that the constant state in which they find themselves when they are happy, upset, confused, find something adorable, looking forward to a new episode of True Blood, unsure of how they did on a test, excited about the weekend, or bored in their room? Why is “I DIE” a sufficient response to anything, and what exactly does it signify? “This skirt-cardigan combination pleases me so greatly that I am going into cardiac arrest over my desire to wear it this Saturday”?
The only person who sounds even semi-legitimate when they say it, and only because she started it, is Rachel Zoe–although that woman is terrifying and looks like a corn husk fossilized in amber, why would we emulate anything she says? A few things that are killing women everywhere, apparently:
- “Absolutely DYING over the new Lanvin sweaters.”
- “Think I saw Joseph Gordon-Levitt at Au Bon Pain, what was he doing there? Anyway brb DYING.”
- “This professor NEVER shuts up. Basically dyingggggg.”
I’m waiting for the hyperbole to come full circle, and for them to use those expressions to announce their diagnosis of stage-four pancreatic cancer.
5. Abbrevs. I just donno cuz abbrevs are so adorbs or whatev, but I feel like we’re just totes idiotic when we use them, though. I donno, I guess this falls under the same categ as prefacin everythin with a #, but I mean it’s just kind of ug. Freal, it makes us sound like a parody of a super awk teen girl.
I mean we could be bein ironic tho, but I donno. How else are we sposed to say:
- “I am totes dying for some za rite now.”
- “That dress is so so adorbsssss.”
- “He was so ugface, I thought I was gonna vom all over my fixie.”
Spelling takes forevs, and I’m only tryna do a lot of it if it’s the same letter over and overrrrrrrrrrr.