Thought Catalog

5 Things Girls Say On The Internet That Bug Me

  • 0

Let’s get one thing straight, everyone has some stuff they say on the internet that makes us look like neanderthals with a 56k connection. That said, there are certain terms for which women are the sole offenders. Let’s just get it together at once, ladies, and get rid of these for good.

1. Hubby. Possibly the most egregious of all love-related offenders, this word is used nearly exclusively by young female halves of married/ engaged couples who are just so god damned in love that they want to yell at the very top of their lungs to the internet at large about the Lost marathon they are watching with their significant other.

Hubby is not a person, he doesn’t have feelings or thoughts or a life of his own. He is Hubby. Hubby rubs wifey’s feet, he brings her flowers, he is the best Hubby ever. Things you will often learn about Hubby:

  • “Hubby just showed up with my favorite burrito at work!!! Love him!”
  • “Who has the best Hubby in the world? Umm, me!”
  • “Hubby looks so cute mowing the lawn in his wifebeater!”
  • “Can’t wait til Hubby gets home! So much Amazing Race to watch!!”

Don’t say Hubby. Use something more palatable, like Walking Sperm Bank, or Complaint Receptacle.

2. <3. I think we’re all allowed a nice little emoticon/ ASCII drawing every now and again, and <3s are pretty okay, as far as things go. I prefer 8==D 'o', but we can't all be as mature/ artistic as I am. That being said, there should be a staunch limit to how many times girls are allowed to use the <3 in their online expression, and once one exceeds them, I feel like execution is the most humane, efficient punishment. Especially when combined with other decorative flourishes, they render even the most well-constructed thought unbearable to read. Sentences in which you're likely to encounter <3:

  • “Going to get my nails done with the girlies <3"
  • “<33 Two tix to the Bruno Mars concert, third row <33"
  • “<3~~*~~<3 Mmmmm... Chunky Monkey <3~~*~~<3"
  • “GIRLS NIGHT <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3"

Fine, continue to use these if you so insist, but just know that it’s making people read whatever you write in Brittany from Daria‘s voice.

3. Wordsssss. Do you have any ideaaaaaa how stupidddd it makes you lookkkkkk when you writeeee like thisssss? It reads like some feminine combination of Drunk Jeff Goldblum and Parseltongue. I mean, how are you even supposed to pronounce the word likeeeeeeee? I could only imagine like you started the word and then were pushed off a building mid-syllable, but perhaps it was just never meant to be vocalized.

And regardless of what you’re trying to convey, extending the last letter of your words only puts that 80s Valley Girl-spin on whatever it is that you’re saying, and immediately drains from it any trace of intelligence/ articulation. For example:

  • “I miss youuuuuuuuu.”
  • “Omg I loveeeeeee Chelsea Handler, she is hilariousssssss.”
  • “It is unnatural for a majority to rule, for a majority can seldom be organized and united for specific action, and a minority cannnnnnnnn.”

Maybe we should limit ourselves to three extra letters at the ends of our words, if we could. Okay, four max. Four.

4. Die. Why do women constantly describe themselves as dying? Why is that the constant state in which they find themselves when they are happy, upset, confused, find something adorable, looking forward to a new episode of True Blood, unsure of how they did on a test, excited about the weekend, or bored in their room? Why is “I DIE” a sufficient response to anything, and what exactly does it signify? “This skirt-cardigan combination pleases me so greatly that I am going into cardiac arrest over my desire to wear it this Saturday”?

The only person who sounds even semi-legitimate when they say it, and only because she started it, is Rachel Zoe–although that woman is terrifying and looks like a corn husk fossilized in amber, why would we emulate anything she says? A few things that are killing women everywhere, apparently:

  • “Absolutely DYING over the new Lanvin sweaters.”
  • “Think I saw Joseph Gordon-Levitt at Au Bon Pain, what was he doing there? Anyway brb DYING.”
  • “This professor NEVER shuts up. Basically dyingggggg.”

I’m waiting for the hyperbole to come full circle, and for them to use those expressions to announce their diagnosis of stage-four pancreatic cancer.

5. Abbrevs. I just donno cuz abbrevs are so adorbs or whatev, but I feel like we’re just totes idiotic when we use them, though. I donno, I guess this falls under the same categ as prefacin everythin with a #, but I mean it’s just kind of ug. Freal, it makes us sound like a parody of a super awk teen girl.

I mean we could be bein ironic tho, but I donno. How else are we sposed to say:

  • “I am totes dying for some za rite now.”
  • “That dress is so so adorbsssss.”
  • “He was so ugface, I thought I was gonna vom all over my fixie.”

Spelling takes forevs, and I’m only tryna do a lot of it if it’s the same letter over and overrrrrrrrrrr. TC mark

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More From Thought Catalog

5 Things Girls Say On The Internet That Bug Me is cataloged in , , , ,
  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    totes

  • guest

    vom all over my fixie

    • KayP

      Wow. I’m totally stealing this and using it in daily conversation. My friends are totes going to hate me. 

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Totes… McGoats?

    • Asdf

      We have a winner. Give this Guest a medal.

  • Amber

    How are these traits only applicable to females? I know men who are guilty of all of these (including the first one: calling their girlfriend “the gf” or “the girl” or “the wifey). Don’t even get me started on how many them overuse “the abbreviation.”

    Really over this girl-on-girl hate.

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      I thought of “the gf” et cetera also.

  • http://twitter.com/SuperNoodleRach Rachizzle Trandizzle

    OMG totts funnnnyyyy, dyyinnngg <3 <3 <3!!

  • Asdf

    <3 #hilarssssssssssssss

  • Anonymous

    #5 is some funky 1984-type stuff.

  • Marie

    I am so guilty of number threeeeeeeeee

  • http://twitter.com/courtleee courtleee

    guity of #2-5. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

  • Fdfs

    boys do this too you know. This is the Internet. 

    • Anonymous

      OMG, LIKE, NO WE DON’T.

    • coffeeandinternets

      Reminds me of the classic Rules of the Internet meme…

      There are NO GIRLS ON THE INTERNET

      (if you’re not familiar http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/there-are-no-girls-on-the-internet#.TnDfSuy1XxU)

      • meow

        “Guy In Real Life.”

    • best guest

      True, but women are far more likely to forgo their self-respect for the sake of cuteness…well, what they consider cute. 

      Women should stop doing that. 

      • Amber

        Ugh.

      • CC

        You understand that “forgoing self-respect for the sake of cuteness” is something women are trained to do from birth by our society which impresses on women that they’ll never be taken seriously as intelligent human beings so the only acceptable way to get attention is to act like a cutesy idiot, right? 

        Society should stop doing that. 

      • http://twitter.com/bethanie_m Bethanie Marshall

        It’s the 21st century, people have the free choice to be whomever they want now. It is not necessary to pretend to be dumb to get numbers now. If a woman is still choosing to “forgo self-respect for the sake of cuteness” than that is now her problem, not society’s. 

    • Sarah

      I have never seen a boy add extra letters and hearts to his face book status. Nor have I seen one use “dying” in that respect. Nor call anyone hubby. Not saying some might, but the VAST MAJORITY of people who do most of these things are girls.

      Sorry. Boys and girls act different sometimes. It throws a wrench in the whole “women are exactly the same as and equal to men” thing, I know, but we all don’t live in that fantasy land…

  • Julie

    Hahaha! Brilliant.

  • Julie

    Hahaha! Brilliant.

  • guest

    Women hating on other women, charming. 

    • Guest

      It’s the Chelsea Fagan way! No, seriously, I think she’s taking out a patent and everything.

  • OliverJazz

    I think this text tells more about your circle of “friends” than women in general.

  • Guest

    how can you let these little things bother you. this is the internet and you are taking it too seriously

  • http://twitter.com/#!/w_i_l_l_a -w-

    The internet is a vast, stupid place. We are all allowed to be stupid whilst on the computer, or especially, the place where you’ve apparently quelled most of these idiotic quotes, Facebook. Quit making generalizations about women. Maybe next time you can focus your anger on “5 things black people say on the internet that bug me” or “5 things people on tumblr say that are retarded” or “5 things people who do awful photography do that are like really stupid’ or “5 things gay people do that are generally annoying” and see how well it goes over. 

  • Kate

    you don’t hate internet-speak, you hate yourself.

  • Annoying Girl

    You’re not like all those other girls, Chelsea. Not you. YOU’RE a special snowflake in this vast internet snowstorm of annoying airheads. Shine on, you unique sparkling unicorn, you. Shine on.

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_6IFPDSFKEQJE2ZPP3ASE35MRL4 Laura

      Hahahaha

  • http://twitter.com/palespectre flipside of a memory

    I don’t think only girls say those words.  That being said,  No.2, which is the <3 emoticon, I've never been annoyed with it but because I don't think I know anyone who's matched it with the sentences/phrases  that were used as examples.    More like "The Field Mice is love <3"  which is in fact a perfect usage of the emoticon (in my opinion).

  • _____

    is there another word for za? cuz i totes don’t know it

  • Guest

    #darkventing and get overrrr yourselfffff. Because we know that you could NEVER do any wrong.

  • Molly

    Just when I begin to forget about your chauvinistic superiority complex… </3

    • http://twitter.com/jkymarsh J. Ky Marsh

      Shut the fuck up.

  • http://twitter.com/layzrr Matthew

    GOD DAMMIT

    I READ A FUNNY LITTLE ARTICLE AND THINK “WOW, I NOTICE THOSE THINGS TOO.” THEN, AS IT TURNS OUT, THE AUTHOR IS PERPETUATING GIRL-ON-GIRL HATE. ZOH MY GOSH. THANK GOODNESS THE FEM DEFENSE FORCE HAS CHIMED IN TO POINT OUT THESE EGREGIOUS TRANSGRESSIONS. SORRY THAT THESE THING ARE LARGELY PERPETUATED BY GIRLS ON FACEBOOK. THERE PROBABLY ISN’T A LOT ELSE WHEN THE OTHER GIRLS WHO DON’T TYPE LIKE THAT ARE REBLOGGING SHIT ON TUMBLR ABOUT ENERGY EFFICIENT LIGHTBULBS BEING A SCAM OR SOME SHIT. GET HER EMAIL AND SPAM IT WITH RIOT GRRRL ZINES OR SOMETHING IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER, FUCK.

    YOURS ALWAYS,
    an oppressive member of the patriarchyyyyy~ <33

    • Amber

      Oh, Mr. Straight White Dude, you’ve got it all figured out, don’t you?

      • Asdf

        He’s on the straight and narrow with his crooked hat, wife beater/cotton jersey and caps lock.

  • http://kylelamar.com/ Kyle LaMar

    I wish I was able to annoy Chelsea Fagan as much as girls can. Some day…

  • Sarah_grech21

    It is a rarity when thought catalog articles ‘hit the nail on the head’, so to speak. Most, such as this, are just superficial speculations of human habit and custom. Dig a little deeper, or at least obsess over something worth obsessing about.

  • CC

    I hate the girl-on-girl hate, but your example sentences are works of art. “Think I saw Joseph Gordon-Levitt at Au Bon Pain, what was he doing there? Anyway brb DYING.” <– Masterpiece. 

    I was so upset when I got the new OS X and it made it harder to do wordsssss-type key repeats (in certain programs, holding down a letter key now triggers a menu allowing you to add accented characters.) #coolstory 

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