How To Justify Your Drug Use: A Comprehensive Guide

So you’ve decided to use drugs. Okay, not “use.” “Using” drugs sounds like something a lesion-covered hobo does in a dumpster. You “do” drugs. Sometimes. Hey, it’s cool, no judgment here. I’m not your dad or anything, I can hang. And don’t worry, no matter what your drug of choice, there is a simple, foolproof justification at the ready–provided you know it. Even the most damaging and life-threatening of vices can be waved away with a shaky hand and a firm conviction. Here, what you need to know for any occasion.

Alcohol: Look, if you’re not trying to have a good time, don’t even come to my party. We’re doing jell-O shots and jagerbombs all night, and that’s just kind of the way it is. Drinking is fine–it’s LEGAL, for God’s sake. If our fascist government is okay with it, that means it’s medicinal. Don’t be that guy that comes to the bar and orders a Coke–that guy is awful. You can’t honestly look at a bottle of Smirnoff Ice and tell me that’s a drug. What do you mean, it has effects? Effects like tweeting in all caps and making you tolerable for five minutes, maybe… I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Okay, that was mean… I’m a little drunk right now. Everyone drinks, though, it’s perfectly normal to drink. The founding fathers drank, Jesus drank, Nelson Mandela was wasted every day of his life and he still managed to free the slaves with Abraham Lincoln. I don’t feel so good.

Marijuana: Man, weed’s not even a drug, though. It’s, like, your dad probably smoked weed when he was in college or whatever… unless he was super fucking lame, which wouldn’t surprise me either. But there’s nothing wrong with it. It just enhances your appreciation for things, like art and music and Hot Pockets. Weed is not a drug–drugs are scary. Drugs make you beat your wife and go on Maury and shit. Growing weed is fine, too. I’m becoming, like, really good at horticulture. I could grow a pumpkin patch in a bathtub. When I get old and boring, I’ll be growing the best fucking tomatoes of all time. My tomatoes are going to win me state fair ribbons and get me all the prime widow snatch. People are going to come from, like, three cities away to come and eat my ripe-ass tomatoes and they’re gonna be like, “Mister Brad, why are your tomatoes so good, though?” And I’m just gonna take a hit off my eye surgery weed and be like, “Because I give 110 percent, little Billy, and so should you.” And then I’m gonna go inside and make some bangin-ass marinara sauce. OH MY GOD, let’s make some pasta! I’m so hungry.

Cocaine: Look, I work 12-hour days 6 days a week and I am a grown-ass man, I can do whatever I god damn well please with my salary. If you don’t like it, you can get out of my loft. You know where the private elevator is. Fine, go, whatever. Good luck trying to get on the guest list for my birthday. Oh, you’re soooooo above what I’m doing, I get it. Why don’t you go do some more yoga and eat some tree bark and judge me some more. Enjoy squatting in your co-op with the raccoons or southeast Asians or whatever you live with. By the way, all that financial advice I gave you was bullshit–good luck with those investments. I knew there was a reason I didn’t like you. GET BACK HERE I’M TALKING TO YOU.

Mushrooms: Shhh, calm down. I’m just going to need you to calm down for a second. Mmmm, body high… it feels like butterflies are licking me everywhere with their curly little tongues. Curly little butterfly tongues. This song is good, why don’t you turn it up a little bit. Eh, eh, too much. Little lower. There. What do you mean, mushrooms are a drug? They’re a fungus that grows in the ground and lives with the animals and is just hanging out waiting to be picked. Why are you talking about that right now? This isn’t doing drugs. Wait, am I doing drugs? Am I a drug user? Is that what this is? Is this my life? Should I be worried about these things? Oh my god, my carpet is so dirty. I need to go outside. I just need to go for a walk. I’m going for a walk. I’m going to walk around. You’re such a good friend, and your hair is so curly. It’s spreading all over the walls–you should probably get it cut. Do you want me to cut it? Let me cut it. Where are the scissors? Hey, come back…

Meth: Have you ever noticed how beautiful Kansas is!? You can’t really see it all until you’ve seen it for four straight days at a time, and I don’t want to give up the only thing that lets me do that. And I still have all of my kids and most of my teeth; I’m sorry I’m proud of my life but some of us like to enjoy our accomplishments and I’m sorry you can’t. I’m sorry I’m such a failure, Mom, why don’t you look at me with more evil in your face? It’s not like I’m doing anything bad, like stealing or dating a black guy. Look, fuck this noise, I’m going to Wal-Mart. Do you want anything?

Keyboard Duster: I’M WALKING ON SUNSHINE, ALRIGHT?!

Ecstasy: Who is coming to the Borgore concert with me, because it’s now or never. I’m going to be out there for six days, so if you don’t get your ass into this Toyota Previa right now, you’re going to be stuck here all week. Your choice. Okay, get in. Wait–what do you mean you’re not going to be rolling? Well then why the fuck are you going? Don’t even tell me it’s to listen to that god awful music or bang those smelly rave chicks, because we both know you cannot do either of those things sober. Why did I buy all this shit, then? Oh, don’t even start with that drug bullshit, I’m not going to talk about x like it’s in the same league as crack or whatever, it just makes you happy and thirsty–those are not drug effects. So what if it burns holes in your brain? By the time it matters I’ll be way too old to listen to dubstep, and then why would I want to live any–you know what? I’m not having this conversation with you. Oh, and guess what? I heard Deadmau5 is making an appearance at this concert and guess who’s not invited anymore? PEACE.

Prescription Drugs: If you want to raise three children and sell the shit out of this Avon, you are more than free to do so, but until you do–you are not allowed to judge me. I work hard and my job is thankless, I’m allowed the errant Dilaudid. If you want to come home and cook a Michelin-starred meal for a bunch of ungrateful brats and a cheating husband, well, you are more than welcome to do so. And enjoy having to go to the PTA meetings–you try one of those sober, just ONCE, and I’ll will put the bejeweled crown upon your head because I will have found the queen.

Heroin: Ohhhhhhhh Godddddddddddd. TC mark

image – e-magineart.com

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    what about ‘eels’

  • Alison

    I would have actually liked to hear the justifications the author believes people  make when they’re doing these drugs, instead of just reading the same impression of a person on drugs nine times, with slight variations.

    • Customconcern
      • Customconcern

        whoa, holy shit, the site turned my examples of justifications into html. i’m an idiot. 

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        probably better than a real answer, honestly

      • Customconcern

        *zing*

      • Customconcern

        *zing*

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Wasn’t meant as a zinger at all, actually.

        Kinda funny it sounded that way though, now that I’m looking at it again.

      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Wasn’t meant as a zinger at all, actually.

        Kinda funny it sounded that way though, now that I’m looking at it again.

      • Customconcern

        whoa, holy shit, the site turned my examples of justifications into html. i’m an idiot. 

    • AmustB

      HATERS GONE HATE

    • idoitfortheluz

      Then you’ve come to the wrong blog  my friend.

  • Bobby Barrett

    “i’m just gonna take a hit off my eye surgery weed” lololol

  • H.

    i read the paragraph about coke twice as fast as i read the others

  • Gentle_red

    Um. Acid, anyone????? HElllllllllOOOOh….Go trip. You’ll bitch a lot less.

    • GUESTY

      truth

  • Jeremiah Stevens

    Alison, at first you think it’ll be fun — often you’re friends are doing them, and you don’t want to be the odd one out. Or you want to try something new and what you perceive as exciting. Plus, the fact they are mostly illicit adds a dangerous edge to it. And then depending on the drug of choice, it spirals from something that was fun and amazing and OH MY GOD I HAD THE BEST SEX OF MY LIFE EVER (in for example, the case of meth), to something that you need to function — something that runs your entire life, dictates your friendship circle and destroys your financial, health and social situations. And from there, it’s eventually either death, rehab or incarceration — but it’s hard to summon the willpower to put a stop to it. It’s like, you’re on a train that’s about to be blown to smithereens, but by the time you realise the impact and danger of the situation, it’s really difficult to do something about it. 

    • Guest

      shut up.

    • Customconcern

      THIS GUY. W/r/t my post about how you messed up the meth monologue, just copy-paste this post and add in a few umms and ahhs and [bites nails with mangy teeth] tags and your meth paragraph will be perfect. 

    • Marcus Halberstram

      Thanks, Dad.

      • Luis Carruthers

        Sick American Psycho Reference dude!

    • Nicole

      lol, smoke a bowl

    • GUESTY

      you are a loser

    • Guest

      #dark

  • Customconcern

    this was awesome until you got to meth, which was a failure. i think if you were to rewrite this, meth should be like the coke paragraph (which ruled) but way, way more trashy. 

  • Kennneth Gibson

    Nelson Mandela would kick your fuckin’ ass, man. 

  • Jordan

    Chelsea wrote this?

    • Jess

      People are going to come from, like, three cities away to come and eat
      my ripe-ass tomatoes and they’re gonna be like, “Mister Brad, why are
      your tomatoes so good, though?”

      I’m confused.

  • Ugh

    Whoa, Southeast Asians remark, not cool. Chelsea complains about being attacked but goes out of her way to offend someone in every article.

    • alright alright

      calm down bro it was clearly a joke

  • Sophia

    People who hate on people who don’t drink make me angry.
    Leave me alone for not wanting to poison myself, thanks.

    • Guestropod

      drama

    • Guest..o

      leave me alone i am 2 good for you and your fermented grapes

  • Anonymous

    Signs that your child may be experimenting with drugs
    ——————————————————————————–

    You are a concerned parent, or perhaps you are a friend. You might be part of the family or you may even just have the same job, but you are concerned. You are concerned that this someone you know might be involved with drug use.

    Be it Marijuana, Mushrooms, Acid, Ecstasy, or even Catnip, there are a few simple signs you can be conscious of that would easily rule out all doubt and allow you to proceed with some form of corrective action.

    Creativity – Your child doesn’t quite seem as dull as he was before. You may notice this through sketches on paper or even through the mass reorganization of his or her bedroom, resulting in an aesthetically pleasing layout that contains both symbolism and references to spiritual contemplation. Drugs cause the mind to expand beyond its preconceived notions of normality and things tend to become a bit colorful, if you will.

    Music – Your Beyonce diva daughter or Linkin Park lovin’ son has discovered techno, reggae, and some of the music you listened to when you were cool, too. If there is a tribal beat thumping on the other side of that door, your child is on drugs.

    Attitude – Your spoiled brat has taken on a more mellow outlook on life, what happened? Marijuana may be the culprit, but with all the soul searching offered by various recreational and spiritual drugs there really is no telling exactly why your kid just doesn’t argue with you anymore.

    Love – Johnny never gave a rat’s ass about the world around him when he followed your example, but his discovery of the grass taught him to appreciate nature and the beauty of simplicity. A mental outlook such as Johnny’s could theoretically lead to a more natural interaction between humans and the environment as well as less dependence on things that should stay under the ground. His optimistic view should be extinguished as quickly as possible.

    If you think you have noticed any of the following signs, it is recommended that you search through your child’s belongings to confirm your suspicions before following through with an exaggerated form of punishment.

    lol

  • Anonymous

    Signs that your child may be experimenting with drugs
    ——————————————————————————–

    You are a concerned parent, or perhaps you are a friend. You might be part of the family or you may even just have the same job, but you are concerned. You are concerned that this someone you know might be involved with drug use.

    Be it Marijuana, Mushrooms, Acid, Ecstasy, or even Catnip, there are a few simple signs you can be conscious of that would easily rule out all doubt and allow you to proceed with some form of corrective action.

    Creativity – Your child doesn’t quite seem as dull as he was before. You may notice this through sketches on paper or even through the mass reorganization of his or her bedroom, resulting in an aesthetically pleasing layout that contains both symbolism and references to spiritual contemplation. Drugs cause the mind to expand beyond its preconceived notions of normality and things tend to become a bit colorful, if you will.

    Music – Your Beyonce diva daughter or Linkin Park lovin’ son has discovered techno, reggae, and some of the music you listened to when you were cool, too. If there is a tribal beat thumping on the other side of that door, your child is on drugs.

    Attitude – Your spoiled brat has taken on a more mellow outlook on life, what happened? Marijuana may be the culprit, but with all the soul searching offered by various recreational and spiritual drugs there really is no telling exactly why your kid just doesn’t argue with you anymore.

    Love – Johnny never gave a rat’s ass about the world around him when he followed your example, but his discovery of the grass taught him to appreciate nature and the beauty of simplicity. A mental outlook such as Johnny’s could theoretically lead to a more natural interaction between humans and the environment as well as less dependence on things that should stay under the ground. His optimistic view should be extinguished as quickly as possible.

    If you think you have noticed any of the following signs, it is recommended that you search through your child’s belongings to confirm your suspicions before following through with an exaggerated form of punishment.

    lol

  • some guy

    MDMA doesn’t burn holes in your brain. The results of the experiment that arrived at that conclusion couldn’t be replicated. Google it.

    Also if you’ve ever seen the split photograph of the brain they use with dead patches in it. That only shows levels of seratonin in the brain, not brain activity. And Seratonin levels return to normal after one to two weeks without use.

    But that is MDMA, not X with what-the-fuck-ever mixed in.

    But please, at least be accurate.

    • Alex

      Totally right. Also it was later found out that the drug used in that experiment wasn’t MDMA at all.

  • Anonymous

    I pictured Patrick Bateman reading the “cocaine” one. I don’t think any of the remarks were Chelsea talking or necessarily what she believes. I read it like all the different drugs were characters.

  • Anonymous

    I pictured Patrick Bateman reading the “cocaine” one. I don’t think any of the remarks were Chelsea talking or necessarily what she believes. I read it like all the different drugs were characters.

    • coffeeandinternets

      Agreed, definite Bret Easton Ellis vibes from that one.

  • spinflux

    I can’t believe people would go listen to yet another night of dubstep and be able to do so without taking ecstasy. I couldn’t do it. Gimme that fucking baggie.

  • GEM

    would it have been, like, *so* hard to step outside of, like, stereotypes to write this article

    • idoitfortheluz

      for thought catalog…yes.

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    This made me want to do some drugs. All of the drugs. =/

    But yeah, as accurate as these impressions were (not that I know anything about Meth or Keyboard duster) I was hoping for something else. 

  • this is terrible

    someone didnt research their drugs before writing this article.

  • http://twitter.com/#!/w_i_l_l_a -w-
  • Maggie

    when people who don’t do drugs write about doing drugs

  • Abby

    whoa whoa whoa whoa.  this is the funniest damn thing I’ve ever read!

  • Guest..o

    alls i know is a form of ecstasy can cure blood cancers 

  • LmoneyHoho

    This was dumb.

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