The 5 People I Can’t Stop Facecreeping

Facecreeping. Creeping people’s Facebooks. We all do it, despite my spell check’s refusal to acknowledge its existence. We’ve all found ourselves, at some point or another, listlessly scrolling through someone’s photos as we foster some vague emotion. It’s 2011, come on, we’re all just looking at what everyone else is doing as it pops up on our news feeds. Unless, of course, you don’t have a Facebook and are soooo mature and above the temptation of peeking into others’ lives and sneaking around digital corners–in which case you are probably too busy adopting African children and smelling your own farts to know what I’m talking about. Go away. This is for those of us who creep.

1. Pretty Girl: Pretty girl is so pretty. I’m not even jealous at this point, really. It’s just a benign, bewildered fascination–she’s like a zoo animal. She’s just so beautiful; she must walk around with her own lighting crew and retoucher. There is seriously not one unflattering photo tagged of her. If we hung out (which we don’t, really, because pretty girl is always an acquaintance), it would be my life’s work to take a photo where she looks like she has a double chin. Why can’t pretty girl be a raging bitch so I could hate her? Why must she be so nice and inoffensive? Shouldn’t there be a limit to how many “OMG YOU LOOK SO PRETTY!!!” “GORG” and “Will u stop being so beautiful for like two seconds plz thanks” comments one person can accrue? Ugh, I’m gonna go eat a box of Swiss Cake Rolls and cry.

2. Super Successful Friend: Ooooh, look at you. You’re going to Harvard Law School and you work out all the time and you interned at your uncle’s super fancy office. Look at how early you get up and how many interesting things you do in your spare time. Look at how many cures you’re running for. That’s cool, I’m doing lots of interesting things, too. I’m totally going to be on the cover of Forbes by the time I’m 30, too. Oh, you just mastered the saxophone in your spare time and teach English to orphans in Ethiopia? That’s not even a big deal, though, because I just got a futon in my apartment. You know what that is? It’s a couch that turns into a bed, bro. I know, I know, humblebrag.

3. My ex: Facebook’s sole mission, its “Purpose” in the abstract sense of the word, its contribution to human advancement, is looking pictures of people you banged after you stop banging them. We must look like cavemen, sitting at our computers with this slightly indignant, confused expression on our faces as we look at photos and the animal part of our brain goes, “You mate with this person. This person mate with new person. Must spray with urine. Must mark territory.” Even people you don’t care about in the least anymore, even people you’re totally over, still have this bizarre draw on your attention. “What are they doing…? Oh, that. I mildly disapprove. Mehhhhh. Meh.”

4. That Couple: I personally don’t like the idea of even putting a relationship status on Facebook, if only to avoid the outpouring of people you don’t really talk to you asking you what happened the day you break up. “HEY OMG I SAW U GUYS TOTES DIDN’T WORK OUT LEMME RUB SALT IN THE WOUND WUT HAPPENEDDDD” is a phrase I feel confident that I could live without. But for those that take pleasure in the little “In A Relationship With” thing and the easy access to the other person’s profile, more power to you. That being said, if you are the kind of couple that expresses your love regularly over Facebook, you serve as nothing more than a cautionary tale for What Not To Be When You Fall In Love. I have this morbid curiosity about the young, attractive, formerly interesting friends I have who have given both their digital and real-life entities over to being one half of Shmoopsy Boogles or whatever they publicly call each other. No, no, no, no. It’s like an accident I can’t look away from. And the same rule applies when you people spawn–awkward pregnancy photos are only fodder for people ogling in a “Yikes, they couldn’t have sprung for a decent Sears portrait?” kinda way. Avoid.

5. Train Wreck Guy: I feel like a decent 25 percent of my Facebook friends are just one long “What the hell happened to that guy?” question in human form. I have Facebook friends who are twice-married at 22, openly using heavy amounts of cocaine, moving to central Florida (shudder), in and out of jail, and clearly slipping quickly into alcoholism. It’s so weird being able to see these people into their descent into madness. Usually we wouldn’t catch up with these people until we saw a blurry naked man jumping a fence on COPS and muttered to ourselves about how familiar he looks. Now we get to watch their absurdity from start to (rehab or jail) finish.

But I guess that’s the whole point of social media–it asks us if we want to keep in touch with people, we shrug and say, “Yeah, okay, that sounds cool.” Social media laughs derisively, cracks its knuckles, and fills our lives with obsessive minutia about people we should have never stayed in contact with until we can’t tell who we’re actually friends with anymore. Sounds about right. TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

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  • Anonymous

    Facebook = AOL circa 1998.

  • Brandon

    this is why i don’t have a facebook.

  • Brandon

    this is why i don’t have a facebook.

  • http://eccentricerrant.wordpress.com/ Alexandrea

    you forgot #6 — The Object of Your Carnal [Usually Unrequited] Desire

    • http://www.facebook.com/hannaraddness Hanna Nichole Mullins

      I was about to say about the same thing. 

      • http://eccentricerrant.wordpress.com/ Alexandrea

        I’m only on Facebook for that reason, to be honest. The “Who Viewed Your Profile” apps before almost gave me a heart attack when I still wasn’t sure they were scams.

      • BB

        Me too, I creep on my friends page way too much, gone and fallen in love with her, oops. I actually freaked out a bit when those apps appeared. Though I guess it’d save me having to tell her I liked her… though it’d still mainly just show me up as a creepy obsessive. 

    • http://twitter.com/LUXXORVINTAGE Sarah F.

      Yeah hello!?

      That should be number two. Pretty girl is always number one.

  • Anonymous

    totes sending you a facebook friend request

  • http://lesanneesfolles.tumblr.com/ Diana

    Unless you’re me, and numbers 3 and 5 are the same category.

  • Adam

    “Social media laughs derisively, cracks its knuckles, and fills our lives
    with obsessive minutia about people we should have never stayed in
    contact with until we can’t tell who we’re actually friends with
    anymore. Sounds about right.”

    Absolutely brilliant

  • Nicole

    LOL’d through this entire thing. Props.

  • Pearl

    I LOVED this one- your writing and humour is excellent! write more!

  • Andrew Edminister

    this is gold. I like the idea of social media being a bruiser dude cracking his knuckles and laughing at us. it’s perfect.

  • Andrew Edminister

    this is gold. I like the idea of social media being a bruiser dude cracking his knuckles and laughing at us. it’s perfect.

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    I have a unique category called “potential gayboys”. Just gotta check every few days just in case it becomes FB official. Because you know it will happen eventually.

    BY THE WAY let me tell you that the “Interested In” field is the most useless feature yet the emotionally stressful for any closeted gay person…Do I lie? Do I come out on facebook? Do I just leave it blank? But omg if I leave it blank people will think I’m /gay/! Omg~!

    • http://eccentricerrant.wordpress.com/ Alexandrea

      Now that you’ve mentioned it, I creep on a few potentials too, waiting for any telltale signs. d=

  • http://www.facebook.com/t.jason.ham Jason Ham

    I have a unique category called “potential gayboys”. Just gotta check every few days just in case it becomes FB official. Because you know it will happen eventually.

    BY THE WAY let me tell you that the “Interested In” field is the most useless feature yet the emotionally stressful for any closeted gay person…Do I lie? Do I come out on facebook? Do I just leave it blank? But omg if I leave it blank people will think I’m /gay/! Omg~!

  • douchegirl

    #3 is exactly why I deleted and blocked my most recent (and hated) ex. DO. NOT. WANT. 

  • http://twitter.com/galette_rois Julian Galette

    I only recently realized that as I wrap up college facebook will become a way for me to see who’s become a trainwreck. There are some good potentials at the moment. 

  • Grace Stuart

    My 6th category is “People You Went To School With Who Got/Are Pregnant And Are/Will Be Shit Parents”.

    • http://eccentricerrant.wordpress.com/ Alexandrea

      Don’t they fall into category #5?

  • Kim Windyka

    HEY! i’m moving to orlando next week, and i’m not trainwreck girl (or AM I?!)…but otherwise, hilarious and dead-on.

    • http://pickyourfuture.wordpress.com/ RebekahMeinecke

      Ditto but I know where the comment about central FL comes from lol. I agree that this is completely hilarious! Dead on with the “pretty girl” thing. I just stare in awe at their pictures. By the way, I’m taking down my relationship status and all pic of me and my significant other now lol.

      • Kim Windyka

        Haha, oh absolutely, it just gave me pause! :) 

        I feel like another classic characteristic of the “pretty girl” is that you exchange her page with your friends and go “seriously, she doesn’t even look real”.

  • vee

    TRUTH. 

  • Anonymous

    also, the person of the opposite sex you have a secret crush on

  • http://twitter.com/nuclearcabbage Nive

    True Story

  • Anonymous

    Likes this.

  • http://stephgeorge.tumblr.com Stephanie Georgopulos

    “What are they doing…? Oh, that. I mildly disapprove. Mehhhhh. Meh.”

    Um, yes. Yes to this, everyday, for the rest of my life.

  • Guesty

    I like the former trainwrecks who are now SUPERPARENTS

  • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

    6.  People I used to go to church with.

    I love the status updates:
    No one is stronger then our Lord.
    Need Prayer.
    or my personal favorite:  I have a boyfriend.  His name is Jesus.
    Really?  Cuz if Jesus is your boyfriend then Michael Jackson is my orthodontist.  

    • Anonymous

      LOL

  • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

    I get excited when I see there’s a new article by you.
    So true on all levels.

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