Thought Catalog

Stable Bridge Troll Reality Woman

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Are you a 20-to-30-something white, creative male? Are you left perusing the glitter-and-Pocky sprinkled remains of your life? Was your last relationship with an ethereal, oddly attractive and charmingly unemployed girl wearing Victorian doll dresses—more succinctly, the Manic Pixie Dream Girl? Did she ease you out of your shy, nebbishy persona into a life filled with running through traffic, drinking microwbrews on rooftops, and talking about Nietzche during sex?

Did it end badly?

Well, turn off the Morrisey and get down to your local strip mall. We have exactly what you need.

The Stable Bridge Troll Reality Woman

That nondescript gray building, right between the H&R Block and the Jimmy John’s, that’s us. Here you’ll find everything you need to get your life back in order and realize in a sudden, cold water-on-the-face moment that you’re 35 and should probably not be renting anymore. Here, one of our certified Stable Bridge Troll Reality Women (SBTRW) will take you firmly in her clammy, well-manicured hand and lead you through the tedious, long-term, pleasure-delaying procedures of becoming an adult.

Beginning with our crash-course in How To Maintain A Home, the SBTRW will drag you on a well-planned trip to an Ikea spent having minor disputes over light fixtures punctuated by slight sighs of resignation. Together, you will figure out the most efficient way to organize your studio while she makes needling, motherly remarks about how if you just moved out to the suburbs, this space thing wouldn’t be a problem. After she fills your cart with things you do not find aesthetically pleasing, you will resign to the food court where you will fixate on her crow’s feet as you graze on Swedish meatballs.

With our Standard package comes 20 dinners out to restaurants of her choosing where she casually mentions her desire to have children and eats 60% of your dessert. Our Deluxe package includes constant complaints on the ride home that she shouldn’t have eaten so much as she rhetorically asks you if she is getting fat.

As you progress in the program, the SBTRW will introduce you to her emotionally distant yet incredibly over-involved parents. Her father will slowly show you the ropes of his property development business as he drops subtle hints that your writing career may not be enough to support a family. Her mother will offer you under-salted foods as you help fix her computer and begrudgingly pet her cats. Beginning in mid-February, our Deluxe package holders will be tricked into doing their taxes at the SBTRW family’s dinner table under the assertion that her father was an accounting major. Her father will look disapprovingly at your adjusted gross income as he shows you your mistake on line 5b.

Graduates of our program will enter into a relatively unromantic engagement after several months of vague hint-dropping about you not getting any younger and her grandmother wanting to see a grandchild married. As the SBTRW will remind you, just as much as her grandmother is mortal, so are you. Your delaying of the concept of adulthood will not keep you physically young forever. You can die with a diversified stock portfolio, or you can die with an oddball collection of Soviet propaganda and an expansive knowledge of 70s Italian cinema.

So, if you are ready to dust yourself off and get onto the pathway of your actual life, come on down. Remember, there exist only two kinds of women: fun, adorably unattainable fantasies, and somberly dressed career women with a 10-year plan–and only one of them has full medical and dental. TC mark

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    • `ariel

      Ha! Loved this!

    • Asdf

      I’m eating Pocky right now! I feel like that guy who was just caught red-handed and called out for the dick he is. Shifty-eyes, mouth full of food, unable to respond, the whole “What I do?!” look on the face. Yeah.

      I loved this piece.

    • Asdf

      I’m eating Pocky right now! I feel like that guy who was just caught red-handed and called out for the dick he is. Shifty-eyes, mouth full of food, unable to respond, the whole “What I do?!” look on the face. Yeah.

      I loved this piece.

      • guesty

        I want some Pocky so much right now

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      Wait, you just referenced Jimmy John’s? #hilarious

    • http://twitter.com/godworm Nicholas Cox

      Dear Chelsea,

      Next time, instead of writing something like this, just stab me in the heart with a knife and then laugh at me for bleeding so much, and then step on my face when I fall over because I’m dying. It would be less work on your part and the effect would be more or less the same.

    • Mendelsohn

      This is legitimately hilarious.

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      I can only imagine who us girls will have to hold our hands on our stroll down reality lane…

      • Anonymous

        I think sometimes it’s not that women have to choose unappealing men, it’s that the sensitive, edgy guy they loved in their twenties becomes in his thirties either (a) an under-employed layabout (artist) who hates himself for never achieving anything and takes out his frustration and male insecurities by abusing substances and being arbitrarily cruel to his girl, or (b) a sold out corporate dude who over-corrects for his former free spirit ways by renouncing all forms of sentimentality, idealism, wonder, dreams, nonsense etc. and being contemptuous of anyone that hasn’t adopted his dull, responsible approach to life.

        • m bell

          aaron, i liked your analysis here alot. pls write an article about this.

        • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

          I agree with that dude, for once.

        • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

          This is one of those “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” scenarios, huh?

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      I can only imagine who us girls will have to hold our hands on our stroll down reality lane…

    • Anonymous

      Awesome piece. You have been killing it lately.

    • http://brianmcelmurry.blogspot.com/ Brian McElmurry

      Awesomely written, and… depressing. The 2 options for a man that’s still of adolescent mind: Be man-child forever and end up alone at 50. Or marry, have the ups and downs of ltr/family/kids then possibly be divorced at 50, where you regret the past 20 yrs, or you don’t regret it, but are still alone at 50. Or stay alone have fun periods of dating, but ultimately be an asshole when leaving a women who loves you, and then end up alone, and regretting you never settled down. Or settle down and be married at 60 with grand kids, and kind of be bitter, or kind of be happy, or kind of be both, most likely. But you’d have kids and grand kids at your death bed, also have a life long companion you love and is yr bestfriend.

    • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

      Terrifyingly accurate.

    • http://staugustinian.wordpress.com/ STaugustine

      Terrifyingly accurate.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=704016484 Joe Ott

      You can die with a diversified stock portfolio, or you can die with an oddball collection of Soviet propaganda and an expansive knowledge of 70s Italian cinema.–that line made me lol hardcore.

    • guesst

      Wow, the first CF piece I liked!

    • xra

      no way i’ll chase the manic pixie dream girls till im dead

      or better yet, have them chase me

    • http://www.facebook.com/nattusmith Natt Smith

      I quote Bukowski during sex.  

    • Jane

      “You can die with a diversified stock portfolio, or you can die with an oddball collection of Soviet propaganda and an expansive knowledge of 70s Italian cinema.”
      Remind me again what is wrong with that ? oh, right. YOU CAN DO BOTH. You can pursue your oddball tendencies and still be financially secure. SOMEONE BACK ME UP AND TELL ME ITS TRUE! Life is not so black and white.

      • Guesty

        It’s true, don’t worry!

    • Guest

      lol

    • Loljame

      i liked this article before i even read it. SBTRs ftw.

    • http://xtentation.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/may-be-featured-as-the-second-love-in-order-to-break-the-character-out-of-the-mourning-after/ May be featured as the Second Love, in order to break the character out of The Mourning After. | a blog about it all

      […] via Stable Bridge Troll Reality Woman | Thought Catalog. […]

    • http://xtentation.wordpress.com/2013/05/05/may-be-featured-as-the-second-love/ May be featured as the Second Love, in order to break the character out of The Mourning After. | a blog about it all

      […] via Stable Bridge Troll Reality Woman | Thought Catalog. […]

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