Fu*k Cats

Like some malicious form of clockwork, I find myself once again in yet ANOTHER situation where I have to deal with someone else’s shitty cat.

And I must emphasize the someone else’s part, because the shittiest cats are always the ones that are malicious, crapping-in-your-shoes, scratching-your-calves and hissing-at-you-from-afar little monsters, yet turn into gentle, long suffering and adorable extras from an SPCA ad every time their owner comes in the room. They know what they’re doing. They’re like the kid on the playground that would push you in the sandbox and take your lunch money, yet put on an “aw, shucks, me?” face and folded hands when the teacher was looking. They are insufferable.

I think there is a certain type of personality that loves cats, and deeply appreciates their unique devotion that drives them to the point of being an asshole to everyone else in the world. See, dogs can be more loyal to one person than all the rest without compromising his ability to be A DECENT HUMAN BEING. Or dog. Whatever.

And the owners are always so quick to say, “oh, don’t pick him up. He can be a little skittish,” which they very well know is code for “if you reach out to touch him, you’re going to pull back a bloody stump.” Can you appreciate for a moment the concept of having a living thing in your house whose only interaction with guests is to maul them? And expecting people to grin and bear this? Well, we do. Our inoffensive politesse knows no bounds.

And I don’t begrudge depressed spinsters their right to one or seventy of these monstrosities, everyone needs some company. What I dislike is the distinct emotional need that cats fill for this specific type of woman. She hates the world, and the world isn’t so fond of her. She feels jilted, alone, antisocial and unwanted. If she could, she would urinate on strangers and scratch furniture she dislikes to tatters. She cannot do this in our society, so she gets an insufferable animal whom she can live vicariously through. “Yes, Winkers, you tear that man’s calf open. You tear it open for all the men who never called me back for a second date.”

I’m tired of getting scratched at and bitten, or even just looked at judgmentally by those stupid walking kitchen mops. They smell bad, they shed everywhere, they contribute NOTHING to the overall ambiance of the house except maybe the feeling that someone is watching you with an air of detached superiority. They are shitty, shitty animals.

Not to mention the obvious, they shit IN BOXES IN YOUR HOUSE that linger for as long as you let them until you have to personally scoop them out and throw them away, a job that I thought would be the first we’d want to get rid of in a developed country. No, some people are content to reserve a special moment of their day to sift out another animal’s feces and carry it down to a trash can. Or, like some cat owners, they could see that task for the abomination that it is and let the waste linger in a corner in their bathroom for about two weeks too long until the whole house has that delightful “cat smell” which is a nicer way of saying “your entire house smells like a port-a-potty on a construction site in a Mexican desert.”

They are terrible animals, and I hate them. TC mark

image – K bogusz1

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.


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  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1415031788 Sharif Youssef

    Go to hell.

    • T.O.

      As long as no cats are up in that piece

      • punishmentglutton

        double like

  • phoryze

    People scoop dog shit, and it smells a fuck of a lot worse.

    • http://thedailydoodles.tumblr.com/ David Michael Chandler

      Their shit always smelled the same to me, and shit PLUS the horrible smell of kitty litter is worse than just the simple classic smell of shit.

  • A Kfsk

    Usually hate your writing but this one made sense.

  • Josshhhh

    cats are all right, I like how furry and cuddly they are. most of the cats I have met seem indifferent to their owners. I think this is why I prefer dogs.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1415031788 Sharif Youssef

    Let's have a Thought Catalog article now about having to take out the bathroom trash and finding it full of bloody tampons.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      That's hilarious.

    • cazador

      do you also live with two women?

      I've experienced this, also experienced fucking FLIES swarming the bloody tampons that i of course did not know were in the trash.

      • Derpina

        You live with nasty bitches. Make them take out the trash.

      • cazador


      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1415031788 Sharif Youssef

        I don't live with ANY women. I have a male roommate who has a girlfriend or weird habits.

    • http://thedailydoodles.tumblr.com/ David Michael Chandler

      Make tea out of the tampons, Mr. Wasteful.

  • Anne Frank

    Nobody cares.

  • Nathalie

    hahaha I want to become an old crazy cat lady later on, but still love your article!
    WIN for cats!! way smarter than dogs :)
    (but dogs are okay too ^^)

  • punishmentglutton

    Cats have class. Dogs are whores. I'd rather scoop a thousand litter boxes than spend a minute with the miserable wretched c*nt that penned this. What a shitty shitty piece of writing.


      Calling women cunts is worse than any feline behavior described above. You are beneath cat.

      • Ght

        Woman, singular. Though there was no gender specification. I'll think you'll find it was an insult against an individual, not a baseless claim attacking women with little provocation or the misinterpretation of an opinion.

  • diva

    nobody said lyfe was easy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

    “They are terrible animals, and I hate them.”

    They hate you too.

  • apathy

    everyone hates you chelsea. except me. i think you're wry, audacious, and rather amusing. three cheers for irreverence. and fuck cats.

  • J(Z)

    At least they make Chinese Food taste good

  • Fargo

    I sat and read this article with my cat comfortably sprawled across my lap, purring like a madman and occasionally tossing an arm lick with a sideways 'did you see that? yeah i love you' look because he is so happy.

    Your interactions with cats lead me to believe you have never owned one. There are as many wonderful cats in the world as there are shit-all-over-the-new-rug and chew-expensive-furniture dogs in the world.

    • Dan

      Did you notice the part of the article stating that cats only like their owners. And are assholes to everyone else?

  • sticks

    you ever think that cat's are biting and scratching and being shitty to you because you, yourself are a shitty person and they hate you?

  • http://twitter.com/bsdf BEN ENGLISCH


  • Eskeller

    YES. I gasp at how accurately this essay describes my feelings towards cats!


    I live with a cat that often tries to come into my room. Yet as soon as I find him there he tries to leave, before I even have a chance to talk to him about the Wire. Cats cannot make up their mind and don't like HBO television.

  • pulp

    i knew i didn't like you

  • http://kilakilakila.blogspot.com brittany wallace

    cats smell bad?
    my cat smells great

  • Angie

    WOW, it's as if you came and took the words right out of my head…EVERY word I relate to, every sentiment, all of it! seriously, WHY would you want a cat???

  • Guest

    Not all cats are the mean type–I live with cats who adore me and try to cuddle me every time I sit in the living room (but of course their owner loathes me and tries to maul me with her words every time I pass.

    the box of shit, though, is the sticking point. BOX OF POOP.

  • ilovecats

    fuck you

  • petmonster

    I'm not particularly fond of writing that excessively uses CAPS LOCK to make up for the lack of eloquent argument, or the repetition of “shitty” as an adjective. Personal preference I guess, just like way some prefer cats over dogs.

  • http://twitter.com/CowboySandtoes Cowboy Santos

    thank you. yes f#ck cats. stray ones too.. i am tired of rescuing them, i am tired of having them birth new litters every week in my backyard, its a goddamn epidemic. their feces smells like hell, and i hate cleaning it up..

  • Catt

    The more I read from you the less I like you.

    • Danny

      Sounds like we have a depressed spinster that doesn't want to admit where her life has gone.

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