Now Accepting Boyfriend Applications

It’s been a reasonable humiliating amount of time since I’ve had a long-term, serious relationship, and I finally feel emotionally ready to henpeck someone into oblivion again. I’ve taken my time, gone on many dates, resisted settling, broken a few hearts (but never had mine broken—insert robotic laugh here) and I feel I have a good handle on exactly what I want in my life. Here, a brief primer for the men who feel they are ready to run the gauntlet that is my absurd life, aiming for that tantalizing prize of mediocre, tedious, emotionally frustrating sex with a redhead.

You Must Be

  • Very tall. I am a solid 5’6 while barefoot, putting me about 5’9 in heels. I refuse to be taller than you in my favorite shoes, as that is socially humiliating and I am incredibly shallow. There are plenty of handsome shorter guys, and there are also plenty of lovely, stumpy girls with a fondness for kitten heels. Find each other, marry each other, have your children, paint them all blue and live in a mushroom.
  • Incredibly smart. I have a tendency to date engineers, mathematicians, pre-med students, and physicists. And while it doesn’t go unnoticed that their general nerdiness makes them loyal, patient, attentive boyfriends—there is also something outrageously attractive to me about a man who is brilliant in the areas in which I am legally retarded. I consider myself fairly handy in all of the areas that make no money, like literature, philosophy, art, debate, and history—and I either hold immense disdain or pity for most of the men I’ve dated who share these areas of expertise. I find their ideas flimsy, their argumentative style predictable, and their vocabulary paltry. And as two people dick-measuring over who’s more well-read in 17th century French literature (me) is about as productive or relevant as two junkies arguing over a spoon, I’d rather you be the attractive version of Carl Sagan.
  • Funny. This should just go without saying, and yet I find myself constantly in the presence of unfunny, tedious men. How men who lack the charm and finesse necessary to make a woman laugh have not yet been weeded out of the gene pool is beyond me, but I will certainly not be reproducing with one of them. My eggs are hilarious, your sperm must be the same.
  • Pretentious. I like a man who is self-assured to the point of obnoxiousness, and looks down his elegant roman nose at the perceived flaws of others. Now, he shouldn’t be like this about everything, nor should he derive a sense of superiority from looking at photos of starving African children, but in his specific area of expertise, he should be confident that he is the best.
  • Open to wearing argyle. Some people are into S&M, some into roleplaying, and some (as I recently found out with my foray back into the murky waters of OKCupid) into peeing themselves. I am into argyle. Now, that’s not to say that any overweight, sweaty security guard who puts on a Cosby sweater is going to be met with a coupon book of sexual favors, but I am a firm believer that there is no man that isn’t at least slightly improved by an argyle cardigan. If worn with a white oxford shirt, tie, and sensible glasses, said coupon book may be in order. However, I have a tendency to wear a lot of argyle myself, so we must coordinate our outfits over the phone each night, as I would rather fall on a sword than walk around town in matching argyle sweaters with my boyfriend.
  • Desirous of children. Now, I’m not one of those crazy women who is looking for a sperm bank with legs and will use as many turkey basters as it takes to get that baby. And they exist, I have met them. If my goal was simply to pump out kids like a slot machine that’s just hit the jackpot, I could have dozens by now. I don’t. I like being 22, having no responsibilities, making terrible decisions, and getting drunk at 1 in the afternoon when I feel like it. But I love children. And I will have them someday. And a man who is only ambivalent towards the idea of putting genetic copies of himself into this world does not make the grade. Children are either something you want or you don’t. We have plenty already, we don’t need to be throwing more on the pile just for shits and giggles. If you want children, it’s because you feel you will be the most qualified to raise them (see: pretentious) and you want to add one or two tallies to the “intelligent, rational” column of the future to counteract the ever-expanding “stupid, fat” one.
  • Willing to be henpecked. I am never satisfied about anything. I have an almost never-ending list of personal flaws and past mistakes, yet I sit atop a golden throne of judgment, from which I will point my jewel-encrusted scepter at you and tell you to iron your shirt. I will pick fights with you constantly because I mistake disagreements and fundamental differences for passion, and I consider a night in which we throw dinner plates at each other to be time well spent. I will find your most insecure points and needle at them until they are raw, bleeding stumps and you are weighing out the pros and cons of throwing me in a wood chipper. I will be infuriating, I will be insufferable, I will be incredibly frustrating—but I won’t be boring.
  • A thrilling conversationalist. This sort of comes with the territory of intelligent and funny, but as you can see, I am not short on words. I like to talk until people’s ears bleed, and fall immediately in love with any and everyone who can do the same while holding my attention. I want to have conversations with you that last until 9 the next morning when we pass out in a lump on my roof surrounded by cigarette butts and empty bottles of wine. I want to talk about everything with you until our jaws hurt. I want us to sometimes forget to have sex because our conversation is so unbelievably good. Sometimes. Occasionally.
  • Thin. I don’t like fat guys. I can’t take them. They upset me. Even a little heft is enough to put me off my dinner. And muscles are not my thing either. In all seriousness, I like my men to look like Victorian intellectuals. I like them to look too smart, too blue-blooded, and too riddled with hemophilia to have amassed any physical strength. They should be somewhat pale, have piano player’s fingers, and I want to feel like I could take them in a fair fight. Having a little definition is tolerable, but it should come more as a result of alarming lack of body fat than time spent at the gym.
  • Atheist. Religious people are often the rough combination of stupid and militant, don’t be one of them.

Well, there you have it. A brief list of the humble requirements for the future love of my life. It’s not much, trust me. I’m easygoing and open to change (no I’m not).

And even if I weren’t, I am worth it. I am incredibly interesting, always right, unbelievably beautiful, and exceptionally hilarious. These few requests are mere motes of dust in comparison to the god-like pleasure of spending your time with me.

I accept applications in Microsoft Word. Word Perfect, Works, Works Processor, and all of that nonsense is for homeless people. TC mark

Chelsea Fagan

Chelsea Fagan founded the blog The Financial Diet. She is on Twitter.

Trace the scars life has left you. It will remind you that at one point, you fought for something. You believed.

“You are the only person who gets to decide if you are happy or not—do not put your happiness into the hands of other people. Do not make it contingent on their acceptance of you or their feelings for you. At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if someone dislikes you or if someone doesn’t want to be with you. All that matters is that you are happy with the person you are becoming. All that matters is that you like yourself, that you are proud of what you are putting out into the world. You are in charge of your joy, of your worth. You get to be your own validation. Please don’t ever forget that.” — Bianca Sparacino

Excerpted from The Strength In Our Scars by Bianca Sparacino.

Read Here

More From Thought Catalog

  • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

    Better get a cat, girl.

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      I was just going to say that.

    • Yvonne

      HAHAHAHA!

    • Guest

      And a new vibrator

      • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

        Let's not go overboard. Clearly this was a humor-based article. I suspect Chelsea is perfectly capable of meeting men to engage in “mediocre, tedious, emotionally frustrating sex” with.

      • Guest

        Just one night stands. Any hope for prolonged, mediocre, tedious, emotionally frustrating sex is bound to end in failure. Who doesn't Google a prospective longterm lover these days?

      • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

        At no point did I say those men were going to stick around, just that they were willing to copulate.

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        I was under the impression that all women were issued vibrators after their first period. Guess I was wrong.

      • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

        From who, the Vagina Fairy?

        Aside from that, the average girl's getting her period somewhere between what… ages 12-17? Get real.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

    hey baby

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=707272007 Alex Thayer

      i was talking to michael

  • Sammymalone66

    You're a cunt.

    • Lauparm

      Hahahahaha!
      You stupid guy! they didn't teach you irony in class?
      You didn't truly understand this post, did you? ;-)

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        Knowing that you're French now makes everything you say pretty hilarious.

  • http://twitter.com/neyugn Jen Nguyen

    You read my mind

  • Dean Coons

    humorous satire.

  • snickelfritz

    haters gonna hate, bloggers gonna blog

  • http://twitter.com/kyleangeletti Kyle Angeletti

    best of luck to you.

    might as well give up whilst in France.

  • Guest

    On the one hand, I'm gravely concerned for your future happiness. You articulate what is underlying every unhappy, demanding, constantly dissatisfied, frigid, deriving-her-identity-from-a-contrived-image housewife I know. They don't know it and can't say it, though. So on the other hand, I'm hoping that the fact that you can articulate this bodes that you'll work through it and start to see men as people, rather than accessories to your vapid, doomed fairy tale.

    I know this is tongue-in-cheek, but there's enough honesty here to be terrifying. I'm glad you published under your real name so men can be warned.

    • dcmjs

      wow man, you took this post way too seriously

      • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

        Humor, you say? Being used on the internet? NEVAR.

    • http://profiles.google.com/dan.bfg Daniel Lombardo

      LOL “vapid, doomed fairy tale.”

  • earlobe

    this is fantastic

  • http://twitter.com/godworm Nicholas Cox

    I'm not tall enough for you—sorry.

  • JD

    hilarious! (um, this is satire, right? otherwise, this is very sad and i wish you and your five cats–which you will get around age 45 after you've realized you've wasted your adulthood searching for some prince charming that doesn't exist–a pleasant life!).

    • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

      I think this makes four of us that didn't take this posting super seriously.

      • Lauparm

        Why is it so hard for people to see sarcasm in this post?
        Is it cultural or what? (I'm a frog)

      • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

        Methinks intense feelings of self-loathing due to lack of play (from anyone, not just the ginger that wrote this) might have something to do with it.

  • Wontevergetit

    I find your boring description astonishingly pretentious, only superseded by your shallowness and arrogance; honestly, who do you believe you are?
    Funny thing it will be when you find yourself in love with someone outside your narrow minded barriers, I don't even know why I'm wasting my time writing this.

    • http://profiles.google.com/dan.bfg Daniel Lombardo

      That's daft. Everything you criticized; the author is aware of and expounds above. It's not that great, but I am interpreting the piece as somewhat sardonic in the most honest self-directed way.

  • Ybbil

    I think, as a fellow ginger, that this is true of any red-headed woman, but that's why all men love red-heads, plus we are the best in bed ;-P

    • Thomas Harding

      I must regretfully state that this statement is false.

    • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

      It's relative. You give terrible head, in my experience, and have a serious aversion to cuddling.

  • Brittany

    Honey, you aren't that tall, and you sound like an entitled bitch. I hope that you hold yourself to the same standards.

    • Lauparm

      LOL! Ridiculous…
      pfff poor thing that is wayyyyy to superficial!
      You're probably one of the few stupids who just noticed her size instead of looking at the bigger picture!

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        “One of the few stupids.”

        Woo.

      • Lauparm

        oh! a grammar nazi!
        love that!

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        Sorry — part of being a writer half-tard.

        Maybe if I push this a bit further I can be “self-assured to the point of obnoxiousness, and [look] down [my] elegant [mutt] nose at the perceived flaws of others” and get a piece of that redhead, yeah?

      • Lauparm

        LOL again so freaking hard!
        Well, first of all you're right I shouldn't have not written “stupids” but I thought neologism was Da thing in english! well at least it is the case in french.
        And secondly I just hope that you really got that this article is 100% ironic…
        anyway, good luck with her!

      • Konradz

        Being a writer, you should know better.
        Stupid is also a noun, and the plural of “Stupid” is “Stupids”.

        Don't forget your spell checker next time you write.

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        The person has admitted that English is not their native tongue, first of all, which lends itself to explain why they wouldn't understand how unusual such a usage of the term “stupid” would appear. Five year olds may speak that way, but in adult parlance you very rarely — if ever — hear the term used in that way, excepting cases of direct address.

        I'll use it as a noun here, just for you:

        Shut up, stupid.

      • Konradz

        The unfortunate fact remains that a writer — even half-tarded — should know better, especially before participating in online grammar nazism.

        Additionally, the excuse you bring up about English not being her native tongue does not make much sense : in French, we do not use “stupide” this way either. Unlike in English, though, the noun actually does not exist in HER language.

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        Know better than to what? You're well aware that initially all I did was

        repeat the phrase and sort of laugh at it, right? What is your motive,

        exactly?

        First things first, calling a group “stupids” only has the opposite effect

        on the caller. Second things second, I was only pointing it out for anyone

        who missed it — I thought it was hilarious.

        Here we go:

        Gallic people are a ridiculous bunch of stupids, with little or no sense of

        gallantry and a handicapped ability to be badass.

        What now?

        :P

        Chill the fuck out.

      • Konradz

        You corrected her apparently faulty grammar.
        My motive is about the same as your own, randomly replying to most comments here — I need to keep myself entertained, too.

        I'm just messing with you. You should relax, you sound tense. |:

      • Lauparm

        Muhahaha!
        So he's saying that I was actually right and you were wrong?

        Native Speaker 0/ Froggy 1

      • Brittany

        I was merely commenting on her statement that she needed someone taller than her because she is really tall herself, but she is not. I am 5'11″ and I know that if I insisted on dating men taller than me I would be ruling out a lot of great people on a superficial thing. Not to mention that she refuses any amount of fat on a man, however, she looks a little on the chubby side herself…

      • dcmjs

        So you're implying then that thin people can only find thin people attractive,and chubby people are only allowed to be attracted to chubby people? Idiot.

      • Brittany

        I am saying that if she insists on a fit thin guy, she should attempt to be thin and fit herself. It's only fair.

      • dcmjs

        Actually, Brittany, darling, that makes no sense. That's exactly the kind of shallow, feeble-minded, unexperienced, “thin-equals-more-attractive”, bullshit that you've been sold your entire young and apparently misinformed life. Stop typing drivel for two seconds, take some of that energy, and use it to think for tree second before you hit enter next time. If instead Chelsea is attracted to overweight men, should she herself strive to be overweight? If she likes anorexic men (I know you're knee-jerk reaction is to type something like “pssh, those don't exist”… fight the urge dear, or google it first) should she herself starve? If she like blondes, is it time to break out the bleach bottle? What about freckles, tattoo time? Dare I suggest she enjoy the company of another race. “Fair” you say? Fair is knowing exactly what turns you on, and finding someone who you turn on. As is. Not changing for them. Ever. Brittany, I'll assume you are sans penis. In which case, according to your logic, lesbianism it is! Because that's your only non-hypocritical option now. I wish you can your future wife all the best.

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        Anyway, she's not that bad, so Brittany needs to chill maybe?

        http://tumblr.com/xc51v7lwsc

      • Brittany

        Clearly you have some weight based insecurities, or else you wouldn't be focusing on this one aspect of the issue. There is a girl who is saying up there, right on top of the page, exactly what you seem to be rallying against: “the thin = more attractive” issue. The author is stating that she will not date a man unless he is seriously thin. That was the thing I had a problem with, her holding men to ridiculously high standards, while admitting that she herself was not perfect. I was mocking her by accusing that she would likely not hold up to her own standards. I think that if you paused to ask me what I thought of weight based issues instead of assuming I was a fat bashing ignorant asshole, you would have found that I do not think our thin based culture is ideal.

      • dcmjs

        Then why on earth would she need to be thin to want a thin man? The question still stands. Also, your allusion that being thin, as a man, is a ridiculously high standard reveals your thoughts on weight based issues, I don't even have to ask, see?

      • Brittany

        Clearly reason fails on you. I am out. I can't even wrap my head around the path of reason you must have took to twist my argument that way. It is not worth my time to try to have a discussion with someone who refuses to see that maybe there is a disconnect between what I said and what you perceived that I said. Enjoy your life of online commentary, this was actually the first time I have been irritated enough to comment on a post, and you have made me see the error of my belief that discourse was possible on the internet.

      • duh

        does anyone else think that DCMJS is obviously Chelsea Fagan? why else would DCMJS get so worked up and break out the condescending big guns, 'darling'?

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=583638748 John Frenaye

    Great read! Thanks for a laugh today!

  • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

    Also, I want to note that if your idea of “really tall” for men is 5'9″ then I am definitely screwed.

    Is “Now Seeking Attractive Men With Gigantism” too long for a CL personal ad subject line?

  • Erik

    I'm sorry my religious beliefs keep us from being together

  • http://profiles.google.com/margokw Margo Williams

    I'm loving the “henpecked” part. So true.

  • Sas Jam

    How is it humorous if it's just cliche? How is it satire if it has no hyperbole?
    She just actually sounds like many a women I know.
    The difference I think between her shallowness and the shallowness in the male equivalent is men often attain that unreasonably attractive “perfect girl” by getting rich.

    • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

      If she were loaded there'd be dudes around the block willing to swear off their religious figure of choice and adopt any number of eating disorders for a chance at her bed/pocketbook. Don't go thinking boys won't play the same games girls will for that ever-elusive Golden (nest)Egg.

      • Sas Jam

        No lie, I'd love to bag a rich lady- but that ain't happening unless I'm holding my own bag with a cartoonish dollar sign on the front. Unless I'm mistaken (aka open to personal examples) I've seen a lot more instances of rich guys marrying really hot but way less financed women than the vice versa.

      • http://tattoosnob.com Julene

        I only know a handful of exceptionally loaded older women. They all rock 3-5 boyfriends at any given time–marriage serves no purpose except meaning there's a boy that could fly the coop with their cash if their pre-nup doesn't hold up in court. Then again, they like to drop top dollar on designer items & varying forms of physical augmentation. To each their own, I guess.

      • Zack

        My mom has money, and she has a boy toy freeloader. After he moved in I stipulated that she could not marry him, and he had to get a job. So far, neither of these things have occurred.

  • shoehorn

    seems like everytime something emotionally dead gets written on here
    the “satire” card gets trotted out in its defense

  • Zay

    All women have at least one of these traits and that is why I hate them.

    • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

      Damn bro.

  • LynCat

    A laugh-out-loud funny cry for help.

  • Bunny

    I don't really think this was a joke. It's honest. She's just honestly a bitch. That's ok, though. (I don't really believe she's unbelievably good looking either though, not that it matters, what with the internet and all)
    I think it's good
    Better for her future companions to know 100% up front what they're getting themselves into. Most people aren't so honest.
    So, it's good. Good girl.

  • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

    More and more I realize that the existence of a vagina often implies a ludicrous sense of entitlement.

    • alice

      wow.

      • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

        Please don't be mad at me.

  • Herpy Derpington

    I'm a talented Design Engineer, 6 foot tall on the button, slim and quite the raconteur, even if I do say so myself. I'd also love to have kids at some point.

    But there's no way on Dawkin's green earth that I'm wearing a fucking cardigan, so I'm out the window I suppose. Ah well.

    • http://phmadore.com P. H. Madore

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