Perhaps one of the hardest pills to swallow is breaking up when you don’t want to. Another hard, if even bigger pill to swallow is when you don’t know why, or can’t figure out how the person you were closest with, could so easily turn their back and forget you and what you shared with them.
That’s where I was at. Recently I got out of a relationship and for a while I was stuck in the phase of “ Why?” or better yet, “How?” There were many times I wanted to message my previous significant other in my stage of bargaining, and ask, “Are we sure we are doing the right thing?” See, part of me felt that we had a connection that may not come again, or at the most, wouldn’t come easily. Another part of me wondered if perhaps he didn’t realize what he had or how rare what he had in me was.
But at the end of the day, I realized it simply didn’t matter if he realized what he had lost, what he had, or if he truly thought losing me for good was the right thing to do. It didn’t matter, because what was done was done. Regardless, even if I had my answers to any of these questions, I knew there was a part of me that could never look at him again with the adoration I once did. Regardless of any of these questions, even if answered, it was over. Instead of being stuck in the phase of wondering how this all happened and bargaining in sadness, I stopped and looked at the big picture.
I went from thinking in terms of “If we had just changed this, it could have worked” to “What can I make sure not repeat and what can I take away from this?”. Looking back at this previous relationship, I feel as though I was blind for a period of time. Things that so clearly spelt the end, that are lucid now, were so over my head while I was emerged in that relationship. Let me make it clear that I have no ill will towards this person. When I say, “I see things that spelt the end”, I’m blessed to be able to say that none of these included cheating, lying or any betrayal (which in hind sight may have made stepping out of the relationship for good, that much harder.)
However, once I stepped out of zeroing in on the relationship, and looked at the big picture, I realized that things I now see that led up to our demise, I can take with me in my everyday relationships. For instance, we stopped getting to know each other. Once we decided to be with each other, that was it. We thought we had each other figured out. We stopped going out on dates just to simply talk and ask each other questions- something that first made us want to be with each other, ironically enough.
Instead of continuing to have meaningful talks and ask meaningful questions, we got complacent. We didn’t feel we needed to do this anymore, for whatever reason. In stopping talking to each other and asking questions just because, I believe we forgot why we were with each other in the first place and we left room to find things that annoyed us about one another instead of excited us. Another thing I realize now is that we didn’t cherish each other enough.
Instead of being grateful for what we had, we were always looking for ways to change it. If he was too far away, instead of being blessed for even having had each other, we looked for ways to bring him closer and change it. If I went out of my way for him, instead of feeling grateful, he took it for granted or perhaps felt suffocated.
In all this, the biggest thing that I hope to never repeat is forgetting to be a team. Instead of going through things together, many times we went against one another. We let our friends and family get in our heads too often and dictate how we felt, instead of listening to our hearts and our team member. Instead of standing up for one another and being behind each other when friends had negative things to say, we agreed with our friends and let them sway our feelings.
This is something I hope to never do again, nor ever be with somebody who does this again. Of course, there are several other reasons that led to our demise, but these three big ones I’m glad to see now, because I can take them into my life to better it. Continuing to get to know people, even my mother and father, grandfather and grandmother- continuing to talk to them and ask questions and not quitting that is a virtue I can take away from this failed relationship.
Cherishing people and feeling grateful for them instead of focusing on what would be nice to have change is another great thing I can take away into my life. Gratitude is attitude and somewhere along the way, my significant other and I forgot to practice this. I hope to never forget to practice this again as it is so important and likely was a massive reason for us separating from one another.
However, being a team is the biggest one I hope to bring in to my friendships and relationships first and foremost. Instead of listening to back talk from others, firstly, listening to how I feel. Instead of being swayed by others opinions, remembering why I have somebody in my life in the first place and being on their team until the end, regardless of others opinions. Every time a relationship ends, its hard. It hurts, its unfortunate and its always hard to move on.
However, instead of boxing in on your failed relationship and wondering why, or how you could have stopped it, I found that taking away the reasons why we ended and applying them into my life and other relationships helped me feel as though this relationship ending was a good thing. I think its important to find the silver lining after ending a relationship, otherwise it’s easy to get stuck in the quick sand and let all the “what if’s,” or “if only’s” swallow us.
I’m glad that I am able to find ways to better myself from losing this relationship and I strongly recommend trying to do the same for anybody enduring a break up as it really does help the mentality switch from a negative to a positive, which is what anybody going through a break up, strives for.