You Can’t Change People

Flickr / Valentina Costi
Flickr / Valentina Costi

You can’t change people. It took me a long time, probably too long, to realize that. I always thought if I was a little better I could change someone into the person I thought I knew that they could be. I thought if I loved harder, they would learn to accept my love and reciprocate.

People don’t change. They find new ways to cover up the person they’ve always been so you will keep them around. As time goes on those flaws they’ve kept hidden are going to come out and where will you be? Stuck? I hope not.

When I was younger, someone told me that the person you’re meant to be with is going to push your buttons, make you feel every type of emotion whether it be sad, happy, angry, or everything all at once. I don’t know where I got this twisted notion in my head that this meant that the person I was meant to be with was going to rip me to shreds just to build me back up again. It’s kind of like the movie, He’s Just Not that Into You, you’re told your entire life that the boy who picks on you likes you. That’s a lie. It’s also a lie that the one you’re supposed to be with is going to be the one who makes life difficult. Life isn’t supposed to be more difficult with your person; it’s supposed to be easier. Being with someone in a healthy relationship is all about clarity. It’s about loving someone for all that they are, and not wishing or hoping that someday they will change that part about them that’s making life with them foggy.

Now I’m not advocating for you to fall for someone who will drop everything in their life to please you. I don’t want a doormat, and I’m almost certain most people wouldn’t either. You should be with someone who challenges you, and when they push you, they are pushing you to be a better person. The only buttons they should be pushing are the ones that will help you achieve all the goals you have in life because it’s important to be just as successful apart as well as together.

In every relationship it’s normal to feel all kinds of emotions. However, the only sadness you should be feeling is when you’re missing them if they’re away. The only tears you should be crying should be out of happiness and joy and you should feel overcome with emotion that someone in the world loves you the way they do.

I’m not saying relationships are going to always be happy. They are a lot of hard work. But they are hard work together. Everyone fights, that’s a part of life. What is important is how you fight. Don’t tear each other down, don’t say words you don’t mean and ignore each other, awaiting for each other to apologize first. That’s never going to solve the issues that are at hand because the issues clearly stem deeper.

Like I said, I don’t know where I got this notion in my head that my person would break my heart a few times but always come back with love. Is that why I keep falling for boys (not men) who are never going to be the kind of person that I know (deep down) that I deserve?

While some people may fall apart just to fall back together, most people don’t. If someone breaks your heart, they’re not going to change. If someone is fighting with you and making everything seem as though it’s your fault, they’re not going to change. If someone is making you feel more sadness and confusion that happiness and clarity, that’s not going to change.

The kind of love you deserve is one that makes sense. It’s with someone you don’t have to change. I’m glad that my failed relationships have taught me this.

Thank you boys, for making my reality a whole lot clearer now that you aren’t in the picture. TC mark

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