This Is How We Say Goodbye

I’ve replayed the conversation in my head. I’ve whispered aloud to myself what I would say if I ever got you to listen for more than your thirty second attention span. I have so many thoughts in my head and so many unspoken feelings. I suppose I’ll never know if I would speak them aloud if given the opportunity, but I know what I would say.

That’s not how we will say goodbye. That’s not how it will go.

You’ll never know how much it hurt when you changed your mind; how much it hurt every time you changed your mind.

You’ll never know how many times I mentally kicked myself for going to sleep with the idea that you were going to be different this time. You kissed me and whispered words and empty promises and made me believe I could trust you again.

You’ll never know how jealous I get when I see another girl has changed your mind. I’ve never been the jealous type. I’ve prided myself on my understanding nature but those other girls bring out the worst in me. I start questioning myself and wondering what makes them special?

You’ll never know how often I wonder what it would be like if you matured like you said you had. Would we be together? Would we be happy? I adore your family. I think it could have worked out. I guess we will both never know the answer to that.

You’ll never know that I loved you. I loved you when I was 17 and you were breaking my heart and I had to walk away from you and cut you out of my life for years. I was over you until I ran into you. 

Four years later. 

The same feelings came back. 

And, unfortunately for me, the same games.

So this is how I’ll say goodbye to you. I’ll write for myself, knowing you’ll never read it. 

When I see you, I’ll talk to you like an old friend. I’ll spend time with you like we always have. 

You’ll never know how much you broke me because I won’t show you. 

Inevitably, we move toward the day you kiss me again and tell me you’ve missed me.

But when that day comes again, I’ll be prepared. Instead of wasting my words on you I’ll walk away. I’ll say one word; goodbye. And I will leave it at that.

Goodbye. Thank you for the memories and for the times where I was truly happy. 

I never thought I would say it, but thank you for breaking my heart at 17 and again at 22 and teaching me the kind of love I do deserve.

Goodbye. I’ll try my best not to miss you.