This is not where I pictured my life at 22, living in my dad’s house and chugging cheap wine out of the bottle while I pour my feelings out hoping that soon random strangers on Thought Catalog will be reading and relating to them, certainly not where I pictured my life.
Being a single insurance agent was not apart of my plan either. But I’m dealing with it.
I have only been 22 for a very short period of time but the lessons this year has taught me have been priceless.
Please follow my guide to being a bad bitch or more realistically how to survive your quarter life crisis.
1. Do not believe everything you hear in a Taylor Swift song.
Being 22 is not all about dressing up like hipsters and making fun of my ex’s. Living in the real world as so many of us do I unfortunately have been taught that being 22 is more commonly experienced as being way to poor to dress up like hipsters and quiet frankly I’ve spent way more time crying over my ex’s than making fun of them.
2. Tove Lo really isn’t someone you should be taking advice from either…
Spending your days high waiting around for some man who didn’t realize what he had might be the worse thing you can do at 22.
3. Just do NOT take any advice from pop radio.
No matter how much you relate. It is NOT your anthem.
4. Do NOT and I will repeat do NOT sleep with everyone and anyone.
Nobody likes that girl. No body respects that girl. And no matter how many times you reassure yourself that you are young and should be living your life NOBODY recovers from being that girl. And please remember ladies babies and STD’s are forever that attention he is paying you is not
5. With that being said please do not be that girl that is afraid of sex.
Sex is great and as long and you’re not out there whoring it up then you do you boo-boo..
6. Nobody likes the bitch who is above everyone else.
I don’t care if you’re not being rude. You are not being nice either so remember that we all were there when you were fat and obsessed with your ex-boyfriend please check your attitude at the door.
7. Please read more books, or basically do anything to broaden your horizons.
You have a brain and that pretty little body you like to show off isn’t going to mean shit when your 42 and have a mom bod so keep that in mind when all you focus on is the hottest Facebook gossip.
8. For the love of God please stop being crazy.
Do not read into every little thing. You sound like a psychopath and your friends do not want to support your crazy ways anymore, they do it because they love you, also they are filled with pity because no man will ever stay with your crazy ass. Lord help you.
9. Tattoos are forever.
So I’m glad that “they really express your soul and capture your heart” but I hope you feel the same way when you’re ready for a real job and being broke as fuck and living life isn’t as appealing to you anymore.
10. Do things for you.
This moment wont last forever where you will be able to focus on you and be the best person you can be. Take advantage of it. You deserve it.
11. F*CK other bitches.
Anyone who judges you or doesn’t support you does not and I repeat DOES NOT deserve your time. Please cut off all of your frenimies. Nobody is benefiting from this. You are stressing yourself out and being a fake bitch.
12. WATCH YOUR CREDIT SCORE.
Its called creditkarma.com. It’s free don’t be an ignorant bitch, take care of your shit girlfren.
13. Appreciate your parents and your siblings.
Remember that they still love you even though you thought D.A.R.E. was cool and they still look at you even though you peed your pants on family vacation that one time. They’re annoying as fuck but they have your back.
14. Buy a flask.
You are 22, you are poor, and you cannot afford shots at the bar. Pre- gaming is your saving grace. Appreciate it more and take advantage. Theres only so many years of you life where it will be acceptable to chug a pint of Fire Ball before you hit the local bar. ENJOY every second of it. Once you hit 30 its all craft beers and sipping martinis. Craft beers and martinis are expensive incase you missed the point of this tip.
15. You are awesome.
You are unique. You deserve the world. You’re 22 you have your whole life ahead of you plus you’re a hot piece of ass. DO NOT let anybody bring you down. Anyone who judges you is a self-conscious bitch so fuck them.