HOLLYWOOD – In a shocking announcement today, the Oscar committee decided to replace Billy Crystal as host with a Redbox Machine. “Don’t get me wrong, Billy’s a great host,” said a representative speaking under condition of anonymity, “but it occurred to us that he might do his stupid blues character, and no one wants to see that.”
Many are wondering whether the DVD vending machine will be up to the task, but CEO Paul Davis has no such worries. “The Redbox kiosk has bright graphics, a touch screen display, and a broad selection of titles. That’s a lot of talent.”
Because the Oscars will be hosted by a Redbox machine, many changes are expected for the broadcast. Instead of celebrities handing out the awards, they will be dispensed through a widened slot in the Redbox kiosk, but only after the winner swipes their credit card and punches in their email address. For the “In Memoriam” tribute, audiences will have the option to scroll to the dead celebrities they’d prefer to remember. Finally, all stops will be pulled out for the big musical number, which will feature the Redbox machine turning slowly from side to side, backed up by Coke machines and jukeboxes.
Academy officials have admitted that because a Redbox machine is hosting, the nominees must reflect the kind of titles familiar to Redbox customers. “Well yes,” said one spokesman, “nominees will include Judy Moody, 35 & Ticking, and Dragon Crusaders, but that should in no way undermine the sterling reputation the Oscars have built up over the years.
Not everyone however was happy with the choice. “It’s all politics,” beeped a condom machine.